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Anyone who has had a normal beating pulse and uses an electrical outlet is aware of a large barrage of New Kids On The Block-ish boy bands in the past two years. Most of them are fueled by the successes of the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync, which were both created with the help of the same record producer at Jive Records.

Why is it, I ask you, that these "bands" have not destroyed themselves by being arrested or setting hotel fires like the New Kids? Coincidence? I think not. I theorize that this certain record producer, whom I will remain anonymous for his own safety, has hatched an evil scheme to disease the minds of millions with harmonious whining. I believe he is cryogenically creating in his basement beings known as "Superstuds" or "CutiePatooties" or "Hotties", (take your pick). Giving his creations a set of decent vocal chords and a pretty smile, he sends them out to conquer.

The feeble minds of teenagers are easily affected, and within the boys' songs are subliminal instructions descriptively telling them to BUY BUY BUY.

With every purchsed recording, the economy gradually depends more and more upon the "Boy Wonders" and at the same time begins to be more and more tolerant. If any of the "bands" were to suddenly be taken from Earth by way of death or kidknapping, (which are both very good possiblilities since their privately owned jets and busses plainly state their group's name in large print on the side and because they are undoubtedly targets of terrorist activity, or at least should be), the world would be swept into a large economic crash reminiscent of the 1930's. What is my point you ask? Simple. Boy Bands rule the U.S. without our knowing it. They control our economy, and the minds of most of our teenagers... our future. Do your part: resistance is our only weapon. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

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