The Chap

Fashion

Take one look at the models gracing the pages of The Chap and you will see that 2000 is the year of the handlebar moustache, (but it's worth noting that the 'pencil' is predicted to take the upper-lip towards Christmas). You will also see that any man worth his Brylcreem is clad in classics that have either been sheared, spun or plucked, you'll never see polyester on the pages of this magazine. However bright the lights from Mr Byrite, never forget that Terylene and Crimplene are to silk and cotton as back-washed cider is to a magnum of 1979 Bollinger... for more style tips consult The Chap.

Common Courtesy

The Chap is contrived to overthrow the status quo of self-interest, vulgarity and greed. In particular, public transport often acts as a catalyst to man's uncourtliness to man: don't let body odour and shell suits get to you, a few well thought out strategies can make moving in public circles a tolerable experience...read these in The Chap or forever hold your breath.

Health

It is commonly believed that vitamins and a high-fibre diet lead to a spiritually enriched life. This is a delusion, all too often men overdose on products peddled by 'nutritionists' and thus become slaves to their own bowel movements. Don't let this happen to you, on no account supplement your diet with anything other than brandy, coffee and cigars.

Contentment

The outward signs of this chronic disease begin when a gent ceases to integrate with the real world, choosing instead to dedicate their life to MDF, gardening and child-rearing. Symptoms of the disease include; a rapidly expanding girth, staying in on a Friday night and wearing fleecy tracksuits in public... at time of going to press, The Chap is the only known antidote to this anti-social behaviour.

The fine gents over at The Chap, Gustav Temple and Vic Darkwood, have just released their latest work, The Chap Almanac – an Esoterick Yearbook for the Decadent Gentleman.

Again filled with witty anecdotes and priceless lifestyle guidance, the Almanac is the ideal compendium to the Quarterly magazine and their previous book publication The Chap Manifesto – Etiquette for Modern Men. True to form the Almanac is a revolutionary tome.

Each section of the Yearbook includes a charming dates from history section. Useful pieces of miscellany include the following:

• 18th January, 1904 – Birthday of Cary Grant in Bristol. As well as being a suave and dapper fellow he was a keen user of LSD.
• 16th March, 1872 – Two soccer teams played in the first FA Cup Final, beginning a tradition of Saturday afternoon fisticuffs.
• June 18th, 1178 – Five Canterbury monks reported seeing an explosion on the moon attributed as the origin of the lunar crater.
• 30th March 2003 – Mother’s Day, when all decent gentlemen send their houseboys to the maternal nest with a dry martini and a single red rose.

One of the highlights in this year’s publication are the small sub-sections, peppered throughout, describing the use and wearing of various hats, one of my favourite topics. Here are some more samples to whet your appetite:

The Fez

One of the hats acceptable for indoor usage, the Fez may be worn comfortable whilst reclining on a chaise lounge dreaming of foreign lands. Soaring away on a flight of fancy is far more appealing to a gentleman than actual physical travel. This chap’s jaunty headgear, coupled with a pungent hasheesh and the attentions of his Bedouin boy servant, provides him with a one-way ticket to Elysium.

The Bowler

Unapologetically old-fashioned, the Bowler has had a long and unfortunate association with the unsavoury practices of gainful employment and religious extremism. Happily, it is currently enjoying a rehabilitation in musty reading rooms across the land as the only piece of headwear sturdy enough to retain the contents of a brain brimming over with tempestuous romanticism and abstruse literary knowledge.

Deliciously tongue in cheek and brimming full of useful advice for the modern gent. Signed copies can be obtained for the extraordinarily cheap price of £10 from Old Hat, Fulham High Street, Fulham, London.