The Everything Open Mic

Noding while I'm at work
Now and then ducking a rubber band
From my job I always shirk
Wishing I could go get a tan

So here I am at half past five
I should be going home
On that endless friday drive
My roomate calls me on my phone

Why aren't you home yet?
He asks so simply, I reply
Noding on E2 - got a bet
Soon I'll finish, then I'll fly

Just one more node, I then shout
Hanging up, I type even faster
Just one more node, I must get out
I can't admit - E2's my master..

And now for something completely different

Is this thing on?

Check, one, two.
Two, two, two...
Ahem. Excuse me.
Hi, my name is Tim, and I play the ukulele. Don't worry, I'm not gonna play Tiptoe Through the Tulips. It's actually kinda difficult. So let me start off something a little easier, a tribute to the 1980s.

Medley: 867-5309/Jenny, Hungry Like the Wolf

Thanks. Thanks a lot. You guys have been great. One more? oh, okay, sure. Here's a Cab Calloway number...

Everybody Eats When They Come to My House

Thank you very much. Good night, everybody!

Ahem

(line breaks are pauses for breath, in in alternating lisping, whining, booming style)

I'm eating tapas in Chiapas with el sup
With my brand new recipe for stone soup
I got the rest of you internet MCs neck deep in the warm green baby poop.
I'd rawtha kiss you than diss you... but
Lord Vishnu
help you if you ak a fool.
Cause I won't miss you, when I huck slugs (verbal-wise)
de me máquina
That is de mi blunderbuss
The rumbles from my jungle are thunderous
The semi-precious stones of my ineffable logic are wonderous
I am a lyrical snuffleupagus
I wear a mesh back.
I walkedabout the outback
with a keg of whiskey in my rucksack
I lost my punk rock belt in Tazzie so sometimes you see my asscrack
I encountered a spider, he mouthed off, I got pissed
I severely disrupted his chi with the Brooklyn galaxy fist
Do you liiikkkke american muuussssic?(sung)
Well tough shit.
A dit dot dit dot dit
Dat's right I also rap in morse code
I got the sniffles in Sweden, thus a Norse cold.

I'd like to say peace and love on the playground to Love's Army and mi primo
Hilarious Bookbinder

(throws mic to the ground, points to it and says "that's hot, don't touch it")

This node is definitely the bomb. What a great idea for a node! It even inspired me to write this short rhyme.

Top Of My Game

Human beatbox starts up with a phat beat to keep the rhythm going

This one goes out to all my noders worldwide, keepin it real on E2.
Bringin' the mad skillz to the Everything Open Mic.
Oh yeah, you think you're ready for this?
Check it out now...

I bring mad
skillz to this game with the force of a tornado
Spittin' phat rhyme styles like it was just what what I was made for
You hear it thumpin' when we're coming down your quiet streets
Bottomless bass bringin' party people to their feet
What's this you hear about a brand new sound comin' your way?
You know it's gonna be the best thing that you heard today
Or this week or this year, even this century
It's very clear that Number 1 is where we're gonna be
Channeling my thoughts onto this pad in front of me
Taking ingredients and making a rap recipie
You sucker noders know that you cannot compete with this
I'm in a class of my own, at the top of the list
So now I'm top of my game, you think I'm gonna sleep?
Hell no, I'm on Red Alert for wack MCs that wanna creep
Solidly defending my position of supremacy
You wanna battle me? I'll bring the smackdown, G!
So in closing, I hope you hear this warning, T
So in the future you learn that you can't mess with me

And I'm out...

Fade out human beatbox

'Sup with this Everything Open Mic shit?
Sit down, I'll tell ya while I take a hit
From the words on this node, like lyrical honey
Done for yo' pleasure, ain't done for yo' money
Bitches be crying like they was retarded
Chill out, friends, I'm just getting started

Respect to my nigga, Razor in Joey
Where nothin's too flashy, too rich or too showy
Kobolds attackin', roll a d20
This critical shit will be comin' up plenty
When I'm bustin' my clerical skillz to the max
You betta not stand when this nigga attacks
A beat so unique you could die from the heat
Or sweat from the top of your head to your feet
Or burst out in flame like the sun supernova
Bustin' your ass when you think it's over
I'm scoring like Owen, defenders are freezin'
Like All Blacks so ill I just don't need a reason
To pound yo' ass broken like Rodman in season
And move on so swift you be thinking I'm breezin'

Word to my fellow Everything2 noders
Editors, Gods and my homies the coders
Like gunslingers hopped up on whiskey and rye
Ready to do, or ready to die
Workin' by day and nodin' by night
Shootin' out writeups like Rapper's Delight
Raisin' the bar, node for the ages
Makin' a book that don't need no pages
Dannye and Dem Bones and Sensei's disciples
This is my church and the church is my bible

Quick on the draw
Quick on the deal
Welcome to E2
And that shit is real.