The Fuck Fucks

An excellent novelty band from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. They have broken up now, but in their day they were one of the funniest bands in the local scene.

Band Members:
Fred Negro - Vocals, Horsey
Paddy Chong - Guitar
Kaos - Drums
Tristan Miller - Bass
with occasional contributions from Dave Moll and Steve Prictor.

Strip 626

First up, thanks to everyone for all your birthday pressies from the "I can't believe it's not butter" box filled with condoms and a can of tuna to Slim Whittle's impromptu concert at the George Public Bar last Thursday. But my fave present was from The Twits: an old 1991 'Picture' magazine featuring an article about me titled "St. Kilda's King of Filfh".

And to think I'm in the very same issue as Gert Bucket, the fattest nude model in the world...
Gert - "I hate to spoil your fun Fred, but that's not my clit you're munching on, it's a haemorrhoid!"
Fred - "SLURP!"

And speakin' of Fuckin' Satdee night at the Fuckin' Espy my old band The Fuck Fucks are playing our last ever Fuckin' Fuck Fucks Gig! Fuck!

Why? I hear you ask...The official reason is that we can't fuckin' stand each other anymore
Err...I mean MUSICIAL DIFFERENCES
Err...I mean Umm...I've got a bloody HANGNAIL!

EIGHT BIG YEARS with a band most industry EXPERTS said would only last a couple of weeks!
The name came from Craig McEvan the old Tote Publican one day when he was discussing the new pole poster law that Jeff Kennett bought in...

Craig - "The cops told me they'd fine the pub NOT the band so ya could be called "THE FUCK FUCKS" or anything but WE'D get fined!"
Fred (thinking) - "'The Fuck Fucks' What a TOP name for a band!"

I was determined to form a band called The Fuck Fucks purely so I could get HUGE street posters printed up that would get the pub fined.
I imagined this down Punt Rd.
poster:
THE FUCK FUCKS
Playing Soon At a pub!
Look it up in the gig guide Copper Cunts!

I ran into The Espy and asked the first four musicians I knew if they would be in a band called The Fuck Fucks such was my enthusiasm for the project...
Fred - "Wake up Jeff! The bloody Wiggles will never crack it with the kids today...best you join me in a band called The Fuck Fucks...We'll be bigger than sliced Beatles!"

Eventually I got Tristan Miller, Paddy Chong, Tony Biggs and The Butcher of Brighton and to get things going quickly I decided we'd do a 'Best of Fred Negro' set to kick things off. (Which caused a heap of controversy amongst die-hard 'Gravy' fans.)
Fan - "Ya can't do those songs they're GRAVY* songs!"
Fred - "I wrote them, so suck my Grandfather's pissflaps!"
* - note the pretentious 'AWE' in the word 'GRAVY'

I don't believe that old band's songs are sacred. I believe good songs shouldn't die with the break up of a band. (Which explains why The Twits are already rehearsing a couple of the best Fuck Fuck Songs...)
Lush - "This Is The Show I get it - It stands for T.I.T.S. - FNAR FNAR"
Steely - "I don't get it..."
Chris "BAM BAM"
Les - "It's gotta be LOUDER and HARDER and FASTER!"

After a heart attack The Butcher was replaced by Dave Moll and the band did a Legendary Saturday day night residency in the Prince of Wales Piano Bar (One night the whole band went nude while I wore many clothes.)
Fred - "How about this heat?"

We recorded a couple of albums (one with a choir) did some 'Big Day Outs', toured Australia, got arrested in Werribee, did a film clip playing on the roof of the Espy, etc, etc.
Fred - "I'll have a beer sandwich..hold the bread"
Kinky - "Hey Fred! What about me? Kinky!"

Oh yes, Kinky Friedman joined The Fuck Fucks about the same time as Kaos. He was responsible for the bands more 'mature' sound which resulted in their first Aria Award...
Presenter - "The winner for the best band NEVER to be played on JJJ is - The Fuck Fucks! Here to accept the award is the Singing Detective Jewboy Kinky Friedman!!"
Kinky - "Thank Yew Verrry Much!"

Fred - "Anyway, I'll see ya's at The Espy Satdee nite and also at the Kinkster gigs...It should be one HELL of a week!"
Voice - "Hold on you're not gettin' away that easy!"

Shonkytonk - "What about Shonkytonk?!! We're playing with Kinky! Where's US in the strip?!"
Lush - "And more on The Twits!"
Steve - "What about me wearing a Batman cossie at the karaoke? Me! Me! Me!"
Fred - "Oop - I'm for it now...Slater bugs!"

I want a beer sandwich
I want a beer sandwich
I want beer pissing out of my head!
Hold the bread!

Arguably one of Fred Negro's most popular bands has decided to call it a day after eight years together, so it's off to the Espy to watch them play one last gig.

Fred was having a drink in the beer garden with his bass player Paddy Chong so I went out to say hello after afterwards bought 'The Twits' CD off him (another band he is in) as well as having a drink with Fred.

As there were three different bands playing in different parts of the pub, I decided to go check them out. (The Fuck Fucks weren't starting until nearly midnight.) The best band I reckon where Blind Lemon Chicken who were playing downstairs in the public bar. I also made use of the little known 'Espy Shortcut' (through the men's dunnies) which saved me having to go through the crowd in the lounge bar.

The Fuck Fucks are famous for dressing up on stage and they didn't disappoint: Fred was wearing a cape, his cowboy hat, a "Kate Shaw's Tits" T-shirt and nothing else. Paddy and Tristan were wearing too-short women's dresses, KAOS had the KAOS logo from Get Smart on his chest and Dave Moll was wearing his usual country music clothes.

Further amusement was provided by Fred's dick-tricks on stage as he had tied a red ribbon around his penis so he could yank on it throughout the show, which prompted some woman to yell at him to 'get it up'.

One of the highlights of the night was when they played 'Beer Sandwich' (which should have been one of the last songs they played I reckon), Steve Prictor joined them on stage to do backing vocals - this man is Rock and Roll, which he demonstrated by showing how he can smoke, scull a bottle of vodka and still be able to sing at the same time.

Another highlight was when they sung a song about clowns and Fred threw a toy stuffed clown named 'Orlando Biscuit' into the crowd hoping that it would be torn up, they happily obliged.

I have no idea why Fred had a box of Fruit Loops on stage, but someone in the crowd got them and they ended up being thrown over the crowd and the band at regular intervals, adding to the atmosphere.

Overall, an excellent gig, it's a shame the Fuck Fucks won't be playing live again. (Although some of the band members can be seen doing backup for Fred & Steve's Karaoke at the Greyhound.)

Other Highlights:

• (song) This is the Show
• Fred's fellation the guitar of Tristan and the guitarist playing the guitar like he was about to come.
• (song) Save Rock & Roll
• KAOS' drumming
• Paddy & Tristan's guitar playing.
• (song) Hey Hey we're the Fuck Fucks.

Lowlights:

• Fred wanking. I know he does it at every gig, but it is something I'd rather not see! The women thought it was funny though.
• Some CUNT throwing a beer glass at a nude Fred on stage which smashed all over him.

Millennium Buggery

This album does NOT have Beer Sandwich on it before you ask.

Tracks:
1. The Sanity Claus (The Fuck Fucks are Coming to Town)
2. Man with Thumbs
3. Lets Fist and Makeup
4. One Dick
5. Rat
6. Cumstains
7. Down in the Fuck Fucks Bar
8. Single Parent
9. Underpants
10. Man with no club
11. Porn Again Christian
12. Here

Explanation of songs:

1. The Sanity Claus (The Fuck Fucks are Coming to Town)
A song in the tradition of Rodney Rude's song about Santa Claus. Has a strange opening played on zither.

2. Man with Thumbs
About getting sick of your current relationship and hitchhiking to some other town.

3. Lets Fist and Makeup
A slow song with a country feel to it.

4. One Dick
A common complaint from men having sex with overdemanding partners:
"Jeez, I've only got one dick baby!"

5. Rat
A song about having a small penis (a "rat's dick").

6. Cumstains
A version of a great country tune called "Cumstains on the pillow".

7. Down in the Fuck Fucks Bar
About the Fuck Fucks' local pub.

8. Single Parent
About a man looking after his kid who gets to go out once a month to see a live band at the pub (seems like it could be based on personal experience.)

9. Underpants
A slow song with some excellent lyrics. Also includes a forty voice choir. My favourite line is "Penis, scrotum, buy some shares and float em'".

10. Man with no club
About a man whose football team, Fitzroy Football Club, was forced to merge with the Brisbane Bears.

11. Porn Again Christian
Christian porno filmmakers.

12. Here
A really good song about living in St Kilda, has the classic line:
"Smack from Nick Cave"
(this song was obviously written when he was still doing Heroin in St Kilda.)