Talking about sex isn't easy to start, but it gets easier with time. Here are some tips:
- You don't have to talk about sex in bed. Talk about it in the car, while walking, while sitting on the couch. If you seperate sex from sex talk, it removes a lot of the pressure.
- Talk about history. We learn most of what we know about sex from our previous experiences. In order to understand your partner, you must understand their background.
- Be openminded. If your partner says something that is frightening or disturbing, take a deep breath before reacting. It's only sex, after all.
- Use humor carefully. Humor can reduce tension and relax people, but it can also cause unintended fears or vulnerabilities to come to the surface. While it is good to talk about these things, making fun of it is not a good way to start.
- Have a flexible vocabulary. Avoid "porn" terms until you know what your partner is comfortable with. Start vague ("down there"), and get more specific. Using medical terms can seem cold, but at least it is specifc. Ask your partner what terms they are used to using.
- Be constructive and positive. "I liked it when you...", "I'd like to do that more often...", etc.
- It's OK not to answer. "I'm not comfortable talking about that just yet...". You have your whole lives to discuss everything; take delicate topics slowly. On the other hand, the more open you are, the more open your partner will be.
- Neither of you can read minds (presumably). If you don't talk about something that is bothering you, it might never be brought up.
- Be honest. If you tell your partner that you enjoyed something, they will probably do it much more often. While this is usually a good thing, if you are less than honest ("Oh, um, yeah, that felt good, I guess") it will haunt you.
- Try things out. After having a conversation about sex, most couples find out that they have a lot things that they want to try. Keep it simple, and be ready to stop if it isn't going well.
After the initial conversation about sex, the next one will be easier. As time progresses, you can bring up more delicate, uncomfortable topics, because you will already be comfortable talking about sex.