"You know, I think sometimes you never get over certain people
and the best you can do is to realize that you will always miss them" -- lillianvalencia
It's now just past midnight, the day before Valentine's Day. All my real-life friends have long gone to bed. Even the people I normally chat with have gone to bed. Just me in my room....with deadening silence all around.
I turned on the TV an hour ago in hopes of keeping myself company with semi-familiar reruns. But alas, the shows fail to capture my attention. In a sad ironic way, they represent my life. These shows used to be prime time shows, shown between 8 and 10. Then they were dropped down to an afternoon time slot....and now they dropped to the lowest of the low.
I too have been dropped. Once the prime time Hero of this girl, now I'm just forgotten about late-night wonderer.
As I go to the fridge to get some refreshment, I am reminded of days past, when I would do this for her. Tonight I am seeking something non-caffeine so it won't keep me awake. Instead I find Wild Cherry Pepsi...her favorite I believe. Ironic? Yes.
I haven't had a alcoholic drink in all my years, and yet I stumble up the stairs, to my room, like a drunken slob. I plop myself on my folding chair in front of my computer, and place the soda by my keyboard. I stare at the can with a sturdy eye, hoping somehow I have magically attained telekinesis, and using the power of my mind, open the can. It does not happen. I reach for the soda, pop the top, and chug. I reach to my right, and grab a saltine cracker from a bag I opened earlier. I hate saltines, but they'll do.
I can normally get by during the days. Occasionally I'll spew on and on to a friend about how I miss her, but I try not to do that, because it makes me feel whiny. It seems the thoughts of her usually invade my head just before I go to bed. So I pray to God that He takes care of her, and I then fall asleep. I should have fallen asleep 2 hours ago, but I haven't.
I go back downstairs to fetch another soda. Since it's almost two, I have to be more careful coming up the stairs. The last thing I need is my mom or brother telling me I'm making too much noise. As I reach into the fridge I notice there are cans of Sprite in there, they were just hiding on the bottom. Figures....
As I sat down again, I noticed my phone wasn't where I thought it should be. I peered around the floor, and on the piles of books in my room, to no avail. I almost thought I would have to turn on the light to find it. But before I had to do that, I found it. It was on the side of my monitor. I took it, and placed it by my keyboard were it would be illuminated my the light from the monitor.
I know what you're asking yourself. You're saying: "Who the devil will be calling you at this time of night?". Well truthfully, I'd talk to anyone who called. But these days I do this for her. In case she calls. I know she probably won't because her boyfriend is ultra-jealous, and she doesn't want to upset him. I also know, that if she does call, it is to ask for money, or to talk to me about issues she's having with him. But you know I would help her out if she asked.
I told this to a friend of mine and she called me crazy. I told her I was in love. And I am. People think I'm stupid for caring about her. They think just because we stopped dating I should stop caring for her. I tell them a status doesn't mean anything to me.
Forget Temptation Island! You want a challenge? Break up with someone, and the both of you act the same way you have prior to breaking up. If you are really close in the relationship it shouldn't be a problem. I told this to my girl when we were dating. Her response was "Oh, I know nothing would change, so we don't have to break up." That should have been a sign. About a month after she said that, she found someone else, and we broke up.
It's been six months since we broke up. She has moved on. A new boy, a new life, and a new future. She says her love for me has changed, and that I will always be special to her. And although, what she said is more then other girls have said, her actions don't support it. As for me, despite the status change, I still will do anything for her.
Second can of soda: Done. Feeling the caffeine rush slowly creeping in....pondering getting a third....shutting off the useless television.
I miss her.
Reflecting back, I know I've learned a lot from our relationship. Not so much things I should do next time, more of things not to do next time. I learned the most important thing about our relationship: I was truly, madly in love with her.
I know this not only because I still have deep feelings for her even though we broke up, but also because I miss her for the right reasons. When I think about being with her, I don't think of the sex. I don't think of tongue-tied kisses. I think of her presence around me, and the way it invaded my head, like the way it's doing tonight. I think of how well she knew me, and how well I think I still know her. I think of how she always calmed my fears. I never believed in Soul Mates before I met her, and I will never forget the day I called her my Soul Mate without even thinking about it.
Someone wiser then I once said:
"Only you could do this, and I would only ever want you to be the one who led me to such a state."
That perfectly sums up
how I feel about her.
I can now feel the effects of the caffeine kicking in. I shall go downstairs, and get my final soda of the night. It will be a Sprite so as not to add any more caffeine to my system. After finishing that, I will power off my monitor, and crawl into bed. There, my body and legs will move into positions that wouldn't be possible if she was still laying next to me. I will then lay on my back, and pray the prayer that I mentioned before: That God takes care of her, and keeps her happy. That's all I've ever wanted for her, for her to be happy. And if by being apart, she is happier then she has ever been, then so be it.