The Siren Hos

The Siren Hos is a track by west-coast hip-hop artist “Cla$$icGang”. It appeared on the 2011 album Odizzy$$licious. It is one of three tracks from that album to be released as a single, but earned the most popularity, with a two week streak at #1, beating out Ain’t no-one fucks wid Polyphemus and Drivers of the Lotus, which topped out at #2 and #7 respectively.

Much like their previous album Journey from the Westside, Cla$$icGang take a work from the literary canon and deconstruct it with a hip-hop twist. Once again, the artists take alternative pseudonyms for the purposes of the album:

• MC DoubleGat appears as “MC Uly$$es”
• MC Alicia LaFelicia appears as “Frentically Penelope”
• Lil’ Pimpinskinz appears as “Lil Telemachus”
• DJ Literate appears as “DJ Double Charybdis”

The track was released to some critical success; reviewers praised it for “Banging like Krang” , with one reviewer stating “When The Siren Hos starts to spin, the whole club is turnt and all the white sluts shake their titties all over, shit’s tite”. It was criticised by Oxford Professor of Literature Dr. David Montgomery Smith, who disparaged the tracks lack of faithfulness to the original source material, but conceded that ‘anything that gets young people reading the classics has to have some value.” He then proceeded to dab.

The siren hos (The siren hos)
D-cup tiddies of the siren hos
The siren hos (The siren hos)
Where they get dem tiddies, no-one knows.

MC Ulysses:

Straight outta Ithaca, I’m here to myth at ya,
Drink a fifth then literature, I’m gonna spit at ya.
Siren hos they sing at ya, tie my dick at full mast,
Drown myself in tiddies till I gotta blast
Eastside Trojan suckers be whack emcees
My boy Ajax stab ‘em right in the knee
Ten long years I’ve been pimpin’ the seas
But I gotta go see my main ho, Penelope.

The siren hos (The siren hos)
D-cup tiddies of the siren hos
The siren hos (The siren hos)
Where they get dem tiddies, no-one knows.

Frenetically Penelope:

Frenetically Penelope, get your eyes off my man,
Cos I’ll fight any slut who thinks that she can
Poor-ass bitches, know I’ll beatcha,
I got the CHI-ALPHA-SIGMA-ETA
Twenty-thousand drachmas on my black card
Weak bitch Circe got only pigs in the yard
Siren bitches all got to agree
Even the Cyclops has his eye on me.

The siren hos (The siren hos)
D-cup tiddies of the siren hos
The siren hos (The siren hos)
Where they get dem tiddies, no-one knows.

MC Telemachus:

Three emcees and one DJ
Travel round the world so our skills we display
Wax in the ears so I don’t gotta hear
Wack emcees who all gotta fear
Any Trojan out there? Charyb- DIS
When I throw my dart I never miss
Pour my wineskin out for my boy Petroclus
Trojan suckas, yo they always lose.

The siren hos (The siren hos)
D-cup tiddies of the siren hos
The siren hos (The siren hos)
Where they get dem tiddies, no-one knows.

reQuest 2018

MC Telemachus is also famed for his translations from the original Greek. This fragment was found amongst his juvenalia.

Yo, listen to me sista
And I’ll tell you of a mista
Spent ten years floating in the middle sea.
Pretending that he’s lost
And he counts no cost
Gotta get back home to his Penelope.

Yo man Odysseus
He go home dissin us
He be telling stories of the siren ho
He say he ain’t kissin us
That he never missin us
Faithful to his queen like Ivanhoe.

From Ithaca to Troy
If you followed your boy
You can row it on your own before the end of July.
So to leave you home in tears
While he takes ten years?

Baby,

It’s a lie.