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It had started small. As a joke, my friends and I had started calling ourselves "Canadian patriots", just for the hell of it. We protested against British involvement in Canadian affairs, even if the queen had no actual power. We were just so damn sick of seeing

"Head of State: Queen Elizabeth II"

in the World Almanac. So we formed a little political party. We campaigned idly about Toronto, had ourselves a good laugh, and stopped after just a couple of weeks. It had been a great joke while it lasted, and now was the time to sit around and drink beer.

In December, the time rolled around for the general election. I don't think any of us even bothered to vote. We lay around and watched hockey and had a good laugh... until the election results started coming in. The Canadian Anglo-Liberation Party (CALP) (or, in Quebec, the PCDL) had been a surprising success. All eight of us had been elected as MPs. I had actually been elected to three different seats.

The announcer read the results in a shocked voice. We outnumbered the Progressive Conservatives in Parliament. Even more surprising was when the Liberals came to us -- they needed our support to form a new government.

Such was the birth of the Liberal-Liberation coalition (December 2003 - January 2004).

Now that we were in power, we tried to stay out of the way. For the first few days that the government was in session, we didn't propose any bills; we were unobtrusive. But soon enough, news reached the British crown. And, needless to say, they weren't happy.

Queen Elizabeth seized control of the British Parliament and began preparing extreme measures. The United States issued a vague statement denouncing the behavior of both countries and went back to its own problems. Soon enough, we were factionalized. Canada was prepared to defend against the British agressors. Standing by us was Argentina. That was what made it so tragic.

The Argentines launched a pre-emptive attack on the Falkland Islands. The British base there fought bravely but was ultimately defeated by the full force of their army. The Regency responded by firing a nuclear warhead at Buenos Aires.

Canada's opinion was suddenly harshly divided. The prospect of inevitable destruction didn't really appeal to us, even the burgeoning ranks of the CALP. All the William Lyon Mackenzie portraits in the world couldn't drag patriotism from the depths of uranium. An emergency election was called. The CALP was expelled from Parliament, and the new British Peace Front (FPB) restored Canada to the status of a dominion of the crown.

I write my story from the royal prison, for the people of the future, since all memory of me has been removed from the newscasts and history books. Remember Canada while I rot.

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