Hello, and thank you for giving me the chance to maybe win some hearts and minds here at this unusual venue for my industry. And I’d like to thank my corporate sponsors, Hallibuton and Nutrasweet for the chance to come here and give this informative talk. For me, its always been about people!
I’d like to take this opportunity to talk to you about POPCULTSPACEDOM, also known inside the beltway by its official working program title “the Popular Culture Space Domination Initiative. In the leftist press, this exciting new way of thinking about thinking has been somewhat unfairly labeled as “The Weaponization of Popular Culture.”
This is an informal talk, so lets get down to it. I don’t have to tell you bunch of toad-licking hippies that pop culture has long been pressed into service as an instrument of cultural imperialism. But that is 19th century thinking with a 20th century delivery system for a 21st century problem – the projection of soft power. We need to get beyond just handing out transistor radios and starting up world of warcraft gold farms. Beautiful internet asian brides is yesterday. Suburban house husbands taking out home equity loans to become beautiful internet asian brides. . . that is tomorrow. It’s not about a soundtrack to be teargassed by. Its about ordering a pizza and then saving the box prop for use as an explosively formed penetrator. When I say box prop I am talking about the little plastic tripod that holds up the box lid on an extra large pizza box. In Guangzhou China they’re popular with the kids as a DIY intrauterine device. Domino’s China screenprints the directions right inside the pizza box, right onto the cardboard. Because in the New China, pizza is an aphrodisiac. It contains a lot less lead than people think.
When we are talking about tomorrow, we are not talking about protecting our way of life. We are talking about creating a uroboric global-scale mindfuck big enough to make it the sincerest desire of every heart in an emerging economy to take out microloans to enable our way of life, and feel a deep and abiding sense of self actualization as a result. Its about moving from Iron Heel to Silky Feel. I want us to not just think outside the box, the methphoric box, not a literal pizza box, but to throw the box away, and replace it with a deorbiting shower of hypersonic crowbars capable of carrying out precision lobotomies on entire populations. What does our future look like when we can say “You want all of Kurdistan to lose the concept of object permanence? I love it. They’ll be walking out into the street and think their living room just disappeared. Let’s see, we can get that for you by next Tuesday. Here’s your tracking number."
Imagine an open-source architecture for Regime Change! This corporatization of a grass roots working methodology could give real “Big Iron” oomph to a what’s usually a hippy dippy woo woo approach to creating a data utility or writing some sort of moronic collaboratively-authored peer-reviewed content database. Imagine a future where forty thousand north Korean masseuses flood the streets of Des Moines, Iowa on segways! They rush into living rooms and just start massaging people. They leap down into the oil change pit at JiffyLube and start doing their own personal blend of massage and Juche pure culture communism. Armed with atomic weapons, Twenty three million people starving to death on north of the 38th parallel on the Korean Peninsula is a rogue state. Armed with Segways and 40 hours of community college, they are the largest asian massage parlor in human history.
Some of the Homeland Defense applications are staggering. Imagine an America where every TSA worker has been administered intracranial injections of Britney Spears backfat. What we do is we get the fat cells, zap them back into pluripotency, and then just shoot them in there with disposable syrette. You can do the trepan with a Dremel tool, its totally outpatient. What we discovered was these workers gained the ability to see into the past and future with clairvoyant certainty, and simultaneously not give a shit about it. They can spot a terrorist, or find bottles of Starbucks Frappuchino hidden deep inside a roll-on bag. Now I know many of you have heard the rumors that Starbucks Frappuchino is the only thing their remote viewing powers can see. And that when they find a Frappuchino in somebody’s luggage, they rip into that Samsonite their sharpened fingernails and then chug the bottle like an open-throated cum-guzzling Tijuana whore. In the spirit of transparency I am the first to admit that there have been problems. But we are working on it.
for QXZ, hotelpapa6, portland, OR, 06 OCT 2007.