Originally a line from The Heart of Darkness, a book by Joseph Conrad set in deepest darkest Africa. After reading the book several times, and seeing Apocalypse Now more often than I should, I believe it is an expression of terror/awe/disgust upon seeing into man's "heart of darkness" - the essential brutality at the root of the human condition. But it also works well for country music ;)

While it's quite dramatic and so easy to parody, (e.g. "The nodes, the nodes!") Kurtz's final utterance is one of the more memorable final lines of all time and has managed to worm it's way into all sorts of places.

More interesting than whether or not we like "the horror, the horror" is what Kurtz (and thus Conrad) meant when he said that.

Possible Meanings:

  • A realization of the horrific nature he has found within his own soul and possibly those around him. How conscious Kurtz is of Marlow and friends is questionable.
  • The reality of Europe's actions in the Congo and the effect they have had upon the native population (and possibly upon themselves, depending on how enlightened Kurtz is.)

I understand there is a fine quest for American contributors for this site going on in regards to horror. I have some things to say about that.

My name is Behr. If you are an old friend then I say to you 'hello' and if you are a new friend just discovering my wit and wisdom and old-fashioned American values then I say to you 'nice to meet you.'

Enough with greetings and salutations. This isn't a bar for crying out loud. Your neediness doesn't interest me nor does your whining about things. On with the show as they used to say in the circus before liberals got involved and started messing around with the elephants.

This writeup is for the quest. Make sure someone writes that down somewhere so I can get credit. The last time I sent a writeup to a quest no one told anyone and I received zero credit. Unacceptable.

About two weeks ago I was looking into a new business venture. I have a lot of venture capital at my disposal due to being smart and handy with the dollar. Even after 'President' Obama gutted the economy and put millions out of work and burned down factories in an effort to force people onto government assistance I have still been able to make a few tidy sums by investing wisely and making difficult choices. This aside, my recent business venture turned into something else once I started looking into the details and particulars. This may confuse you if you are on government assistance.

This was a company that made a product called 'clingy vests' which are protective vests you can wear under a suit or other business attire to protect you from bullets and hatchets. They are lightweight and inpenetrable and it seemed like a good investment in a time when hordes of people are rising up and murdering police officers by the dozens with no provocation other than drug use. I sat down with this man and his secretary, who made him call her an 'executive assistant' (probably because behind closed doors he was sexually submissive to her). Their private life was none of my business and who am I to judge? A couple of years ago I was dating a woman who was interested in sexual adventures with elves so honestly I can't speak out on this issue.

They were looking for me to make a sizable investment in their product and I was very interested but wary. Years ago I made a killing selling opportunities in a company that made action figures based on prominent figures from The American Civil War and the hook was that you could get in on the ground floor with an investment of five figures and the risk was that there was no guarantee we would ever actually made them. We never made the action figures but we made a killing on the investment money. So you can understand why I was wary of getting involved in this man's clingy vest business.

I was asking all the right questions during the meeting and things were going swimmingly until I started to see this creature of some sort in the corner of the room. He appeared in the corner of my eye and when I tried to look directly at him he would disappear and reappear just on the outskirts of my vision. It was strange and unsettling and confused me therefore distracted me from the business at hand.

I asked the man and his bitchy secretary if they saw this creature. They were startled by the question and reported to me that they were completely unaware of any such creature. I would have believed them except for one thing that gave away something. They didn't call it a creature. They called it a 'phenomenon' and I hadn't called it a phenomenon (they had) and so I wondered why they were calling it that. Why weren't they calling it a creature like I was (in my original statement)?

A few years ago I saw something else out of the corner of my eye. I was sitting in Faidley's having crab cakes when this fairy princess sort of like the famous Tinkerbell (of Hansel and Gretel fame) appeared in the corner of my eye. I figured it was an optical illusion of some kind because I was holdiing a green glass in front of my face and trying to see if I could look through it and if I could see what the world looked like through a green drinking glass. It made things look all weird and distorted but that didn't explain the fairy princess that appeared in the corner of my eye. There was no rational explanation for this entire episode and I put it to bed and didn't think about it again until I saw the creature in the office of the vest people.

This creature was similar to a black bowling ball with hair all over it which would not be a good ball to use while bowling on account of it having hair on it. I figured the creature had been rejected as a bowling ball due to the hair issue and had come to life in order to get revenge on the bowlers who refused to bowl with it (due to the hair issue). This was a reasonable and rational explanation for its existence but did not explain why it only appeared in the corner of my eye and not when I tried to look at it directly.

The meeting was wrapping up and I still had no further information on the hairy bowling ball creature or 'phenomenon' as they called it (despite claiming to be unaware of its existence). I decided not to invest in the vest because these people were shifty due to the misdirection about the creature. They knew something or they would not have called it a phenomenon. If they were unwilling to discuss supernatural phenomenon with me then they weren't getting my money, no ifs ands or buts about it.

I went home and popped in a Denise Austin video and took care of my needs. After that I started to make some dinner and saw the creature (bowling ball with hair) in my kitchen out of the corner of my eye. I had (up until that point) thought the creature was native only to the offices of the vest people and that it would not trouble me at home. I was wrong (as you can tell by reading what I wrote about seeing it out of the corner of my eye in the kitchen).

What would you have done?

You'd probably run like a pansy ass out of the house yelling for your mommy, but that option wasn't open to me as I am a respected member of the community (Greater Baltimore Area) and my mother died years ago (although there were complications with her head).

I had made arrangements to speak at a fundraiser for Donald Trump who is destined to save this country from financial ruin with his well thought out plans. When I got to the fundraiser there wasn't anyone there except a lifesize cardboard cut-out replica of Leonard Nimoy (who you may remember from my tight buns missive some years ago). This was yet another setback and another situation that was unexplained and smacked of the supernatural.

This is a ghost story and it is very scary so if you are fidgety and can't handle it, read something else. I recommend one of Glenn Beck's excellent books about what is wrong with America and how we can save our country.

Anyway, to make a long story short, this whole room (where the fundraiser was supposed to be) was empty except for the cardboard Spock and I was standing there feeling like an idiot when all of a sudden I see the hairy bowling ball creature out of the corner of my eye. The darned thing was going everywhere I was going and there was nothing I could do about it. This was worse than seven years ago when a Kenyan strongman took over the country after a bloody invasion in which our brave troops lied down instead of putting up a fight and now we have Sharia law in this country but Trump will reverse all that eventually.

It had worked before so I looked directly at the hairy bowling ball so it would go away (scientific method came into play at this point). Except this time it didn't go away it just sat there and stared and me and then started rolling mercilessly towards me.

I've not had a lot of experience with hairy balls in my life. I don't think anyone really has as there aren't many of them around. This was the first time I'd seen one (all the previous balls I've seen have been hairless). Defending myself against this hairy ball before it came in my face was something I didn't know how to do. One needs to have experience or at least read about something to have the kind of knowledge needed in the situation I was in. Nothing on my bookshelf had any information about hairy balls. I was shit out of luck as they say at summer camp when the hot lady counselor laughs at you after you tell her you like her and ask if she has a boyfriend.

The horror, the horror

Bowling balls can be your friends if you are  (a) nice to them, (b) bowl well with them, (c) clean and polish them regularly, (d) put them in a nice bowling ball bag, (e) generally treat them with respect. I used to go bowling a lot back in the day and I know about this so I applied this relative knowledge to my situation (via the scientific method) and tried to treat the creature with kindness (which is something you do when you lure a liberal into your home before shooting it). This was ineffective.


Sometimes you have to yell. I decided to yell when I was out of options (in regard to the bowling ball creature which had hair). Maybe it would reveal something that I could use to defend myself or otherwise make good of a very bad situation. This bowling ball had ill intent and I was at wit's end as I backed into a corner of the room, dragging the cardboard cut-out of Leonard Nimoy with me. When faced with a difficult situation it is important to use every means at your disposal including replica Leonard Nimoys.

Don't be scared. I'm still here so obviously I wasn't killed.

This thing was horrifying. Up close it was a bit larger than a bowling ball which meant it wasn't a bowling ball that had been rejected due to hair. This was something else. My original deductions (via the scientific method which I am schooled in) were incorrect and now I had to think on my feet. The ball was rotating through the air as it approached, very slowly, towards my fragile face. What would happen?

There happened to be a ghost in the room, which would have been scary except she was a very attractive woman ghost in a long white ball gown. She was calling for her husband (as ghosts of the Victorian era often do) and the distraction of her appearance allowed me to duck before the bowling ball creature could hit me in the face. It was a lucky break.

Now before you think this is where it all ends let me remind you. I was alone at a Donald Trump rally with (a) a hairy bowling ball creature, (b) a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Leonard Nimoy, (c) a pretty lady ghost from the Victorian era who was calling for her husband.

It does not get any scarier than that. Go ahead. Shit yourself in fear.

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