The
modern love letter. Since the advent of the
internet and e-mail, no one has to communicate face to face anymore. This can make
communication a lot easier and sweeter, since you don't have to look the person in the eye. However, it can also make communication incredibly
brutal, again, because you don't have to look the person in the
eye.
In modern
romance, it's become acceptable to break up with someone and/or rip their
fucking heart out via e-mail. It's a lot easier, but it's also fucking classless and
gauche, AND it is recorded for
posterity on both of your
mail servers and emblazoned on your hard drives, not to mention your hearts, minds and souls. I offer you the modern love/
hate letter, an example of what happens when a relationship goes from fuckfest to "
fuck you" fest in zero to 60 seconds.
The
Morning After (or rather 4 days later, since the
bugger didn't
call like he said he would,
surprise, surprise):
"Are you alive?
Dead? Somehow incapable of dropping me
a line or giving me a quick call after the amazing
night we had?
If you're dead, in
traction, or otherwise incapable of
doing so, I
forgive you. If not, what the
fuck?
If you're
blowing me off because you've decided for
some retarded
reason that you don't want to see me
anymore, just fucking say so. Don't feed me the
standard litany of
bullshit that your
gender is so
wont to do (oh, I feel guilty, we moved to fast, that
was great, but I don't see us really going anywhere
beyond the
physical,
blah, blah, fucking blah). Just
be honest with me. I won't
stalk you or go
postal on
you, like many
women might. I will simply move on with
my
life and leave you in the
dust like you are leaving
me.
If you're not blowing me off and I'm overreacting,
boy
do I feel like an
asshole and please forgive me, but
please also understand. I take
sex seriously, and I
thought you and I have enough in common to really go
somewhere, and I like you a lot.
But if that "I'll call again" line was just
bullshit
to get in my
pants,
fuck you very much.
E-mail me. Let me know what the
hell is going on. It's
really, really cruel to leave someone
hanging like
this. Give me the respect and basic
decency of
acknowledging my
existence after the extremely
intimate night that we had.
She"
The
reply She had
not braced herself for:
"I have been thinking a lot about last Friday night.
Mostly, during the drive back late that night. There
were a few things on my
mind. You seem like a very
cool person and I enjoyed hanging out but I don't
really feel an
attraction I have to say. I didn't
just use you to have
sex either. I will admit I got a bit
carried away in the moment but it wasn't my
intention to do so.
I think our
personalities mesh rather well but I just
am not physically attracted to you. I wish I was but
alas I am not. I'm
sorry!!! I'd love to try being
friends but will understand if you're not
cool with
that. I do
enjoy hanging out with you as I said
earlier but I'd prefer a non-sexual
relationship.
He"
She,
vomiting up her
teeth, replies the following:
"You aren't physically attracted to me, yet you fucked
my
brains out for 3 hours. Uh-huh. THAT makes sense.
Fuck you,
asshole.
She"
He, feeling the need to recover his
male ego, pens the following
sweet missive:
"
Fuck you too!!! I never said I meant to have
sex
with you. I can't help it you are
ugly and
fat!!!"
OUCH!! She, ego smarting, running her eyes over her
body trying to figure out how the
fuck he could say she's
fat (she's no
Britney Spears, but she's not chunky, either!), spews the following bit of
bile in return:
"Oh, NOW we're being mature, Mr.
Backstreet Fuck.
Why the
fuck did you say you definitely planned to
call again? Why
bullshit me completely like that?
You've just reminded me why I never date guys our
age... Because you are all a bunch of immature
fuckwads who want one
thing and one thing only, and
will say anything to get
it.
I am neither
ugly nor
fat. You're simply
immature,
unrefined and
retarded. I could comment on the fact
that your
dick is pathetically small, but I won't. OH,
OOPS, I just did.
Don't write me anymore, you half-witted, immature,
ambitionless,
boring, prematurely-
balding fuck.
She, A
Goddess the Likes of Which A
Loser Like You
Will Never Get Near Again"
He, his ego now as shattered as hers, in a fit of rage equal to hers, fires back to demonstrate his utmost maturity:
"Tell
yourself that. You
wish you were a goddess.
You were so fat that it wasn't even
funny. Don't
even make it out that you're mature!!! Cause I'm
ten times more mature than you'll ever be!!!
Not to mention the
fact I'm smarter. You obviously
are stupid since about 10 times now I told you it
wasn't my
intention to sleep with you. I was gonna call too but I had a change of
heart on my drive
back. You did lie so
bad in your description!!!
You said you were in
good shape. If that was good
shape I'd had to see bad shape!!!
Lying is not the
way to go for
future reference!!!
He"
She,
ego really smarting now, in
tears,
pissed as hell that he accused her of lying in her
profile, which she absolutely, unequivocally did not, starts to get
smug while maintaining a certain level of
cruelty:
"You never said that wasn't your intention,
fuckwad.
You were practically forcing yourself on me for like
1/2 an hour before I gave in, which I
regret.
Yes, I'm
stupid. I
speak 3
foreign languages, I make
way more than you, I work with
computers all day, and
I've taught myself to read
Hebrew better than most
people at my
shul. Yep, you're right, I'm stupid.
No one else has ever complained about my
body before.
I've never gotten anything but compliments. That leads
me to believe that you are, in fact, a
complete
fucking retard. The fact that you prefer a different
body
style does not mean that I am
fat or
ugly, just
that I don't
conform to your particular tastes.
At any rate, this is
pointless. We're behaving like
total assholes. I do have to thank you for this
catharsis (look that up), though. It does feel good.
She"
He, having lost the high ground, writes the following bit of
testosterone and
adrenaline-ridden stream-of-consciousness snot:
"You have serious
issues!!! Did you know that!!! I
have never seen someone with as much as yourself!!!
Who cares if you make more money!!! I went to U of
Yuppies (names of schools edited to conceal parties identities) and you went to the
University of Somewhere in Ohio!!! Which school is better!!!
If no guy ever told you you weren't fit before well
all I need to say is this: YOU LIVE IN
FUCKING
OHIO!!! Not exactly an attractive state now is
it!!!
He"
She, now
crying and
laughing at the same time, gets even snottier in an attempt to
squeeze the largest amount of
rage possible out of this man who has just broken her heart in 4 billion pieces, replies:
"FYI, I've dated guys from
New York,
Michigan,
Russia,
Germany,
Greece and
Florida, along with a few Ohioans.
Jesus, who knew the Michigan/Ohio
rivalry ran so
fucking deep! Or maybe all that
New Jersey smog has
corroded your fucking
brain...
Um... I am not the one with
issues here... It's
obviously you, Mr.
I'm-So-
Afraid-Of-Communication-I-Can't-Even-Call-Someone-to-Let-Them-Know-I-Don't-Want-To-See-Them-Anymore-But-Instead-Just-Leave-Them-Hanging-Because-I'm-a-Total-Asshole.
If you had just called... Oh, fuck it, you couldn't
possibly understand.
A
normal person would not have even gone home with me
if they weren't attracted. A normal,
sane person would
have said, hey, this isn't going to work out, nice
meeting you, bye. Only a complete
whackjob would do
what you did. So quit calling the kettle
black,
pot.
I'm sorry you're so tragically fucked up and
clueless,
I really am... It's
sad. Or it would be, if you
weren't such a giant,
unholy asshole.
She"
He, probably
blind with
rage, pounds out the following series of
exclamation-points:
"You have a lot of
anger issues!!! I never said I
wasn't interested at first. It was during the
drive
home I realized I wasn't!!!! Can't you read!!!
Jeez!!!
He"
She, still
crying but kind of enjoying this level of
intense communication, this catharsis, writes back snarkily:
"I can
read, that just doesn't make any fucking sense!
I'm not angry... I'm sitting here
laughing. Do you not
realize how
funny this is?? This is like a
Seinfeld-episode on
crack! "The
Perfect Date That
Became the Date From
Hell" would be the title.
She"
And there it was. She got the last
word (insert
stadium-shaking roar of cheering here). He never wrote her again. She finds the entire exchange so
goddamn hilarious, while
painful and
awful at the same time, that she decides to perserve it for all
eternity for other people to read, so they don't make the same
dumbass mistakes, and if they do, they can read this and know that they are not
alone.