The world's philosophers get stoned

While marijuana smoking may have been around since the ancient of days, when it allowed societies to live in a peaceful bond with mother Gaia and to build the pyramids of Egypt with nothing but hemp ropes and a system of hemp oil powered steam engines, marijuana smoking as the mark of the true intellectual has only been reasserted in the West since the time of the great Beat Poets. However, if the great intellects were with us now, right now, sitting on our couches with their hands in a bag of Doritos, what would they be doing? In other words, what would the great philosopher's be like if they were stoned?

Well, we can only guess, but my guesses go something like this:

• Plato would spend his time staring at shadows on the wall and try to guess what they really meant.
• Confucius would sit back and enjoy his friends who came to visit him. He would charmingly nod at whatever they said.
• Mencius would use the experience to reaffirm that people are "by nature pretty cool", and if we could all just return to living like children, everything would be okay. He may, however, go off on an angry rant about how the government was cutting down too many trees.
• Chuangtzu would act exactly the same.
• Gottfried Leibniz would be the perfect McGuyver Stoner. He would take the I Ching off the bookshelf, and start explaining how the principles of the book are actually a key to making a mechanical mathematical machine.
• Voltaire isn't a stoner. He is the guy at the party in the wire frame glasses making snide comments about the stoners.
• Immanuel Kant goes and sits in the corner and thinks intensely to himself. Someone thinks that he is being unfriendly, but then he starts talking energetically to people about whatever topic crosses his mind.
• Hegel explains his gigantic, overarching theory of everything at great length, occasionally spiralling off into descriptions of minutiae that last for unbelievably long times.
• Soren Kierkegaard used to be fun to hang out with, but now he just comes to parties to hand out Chick pamphlets
• Martin Heidegger tells everyone that they should stop thinking, and just enjoy and be in the moment and appreciate what is going on around them. Then he bogarts all the weed and later on rats everyone out to the cops.