My best friend told me this week that she is thinking about having another baby. She and her husband are going through the (snicker) laborious task of "trying" to have a baby. I know this entails a lot of calculation, but humor me, I'm single and childless. In fact you're going to have to humor me for the rest of the node, and come to think of it, all my nodes, but anyway...

Because I have no children of my own yet, I can barely see the beauty in having a baby, let alone surviving that and still wanting to have another one. And, in my friend's case, I can think of many arguments why she should reconsider: finances, her employment being a factor that will be affected, the fact that she has a hard enough time as it is getting day care for her now four year old son, and dammit, me. What about me? Who will I go drinking with while she's getting morning sickness? I know, that's totally self-centered, but she's like the only close friend I have. This is more than unsettling.

Still, I support her desire even if I don't agree. I am interested, as with any science experiment, to see how she will change and be altered throughout this. Considering that almost all the women I know have been pregnant in the time I've known them, I have yet to follow a pregnancy close up as a bystander, as a friend. This should be interesting.

The other repetitious act I've seen other people do is getting tattooed. In fact, the same friend working on that second baby has at least 7 tattoos (isn't that cool for a mom?) and has been itching for another one. People who have them get this glossed look in their eyes when they talk of getting "new ink," and they declare that I will understand when I get my first one. Hmm. Slave to inflicted pain. I may want to think that over. I've been wanting a tattoo for ages, but I don't know if I like the idea that as soon as I endure one session I will only crave more of them.

I have done things over and over again, but they were seldom positive things like having kids or reinventing myself through augmentation. I have done it with stupid things, with drugs and men and falling for the wrong ones over and over. Addiction to drugs and self-defeating head trips, independence that drove anyone who would care for me away, needfulness, bravado in solitude, depression.

Well, I do keep buying new nail polish, adding to my array of colors. Maybe that's a start.

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