Last weekend was a crazy weekend for me.
It all started on Friday night when I was browsing through the
thrift store up the street from my house, looking for some trendy piece of jewelry or furniture I could pick up for a couple bucks, when I found this cool looking little lamp thing. It looked like
Aladdin's Lamp out of the
Disney movies and it was all rusty and dirty but it looked neat and I thought maybe I could polish it up and fill it with
weed and papers and stuff and leave it on my coffee table for guests to use when they come over.
A great idea, right?
So I bought it for like $1.95 and shoved it in the bottom of my bag and drove home. I got home and Justin wasn't around so I rolled a
joint, threw on my favorite DVD
pr0n, pulled out my
Pink Bullet, and did a little masturbating.
Nothing crazy yet. This is like my every day life.
After I was done I turned off MTV-esque images of lesbians giving eachother
rim-jobs, (Jesus, this started out as a wholesome story... I dunno what happened,) and took a quick shower.
When I got out, I saw my bag still sitting there on the floor and I was like "What better time than now to clean off that new lamp and set it out on the coffee table?" I knew Justin would be home soon and Matt and Aaron were coming over later so I figured it would be cool to show it off.
I pulled it out and looked at it. Now, I've always had this way of finding treasures in what ordinary people would think was trash, so my eyes sort of gleemed as I looked at this dirty old thing and I was so happy with it. It reminded me of this priceless piece of work I bought at a thrift store once... a cool antique looking portrait of
Columbus or
Napolean or something. I have it hanging next to my bed in case you wanna check it out next time you're over.
Anyways, I grabbed a cloth, some polishing stuff, put on a nice
Tribal House Sex CD, and flopped down on the couch to work on it.
As I started to rub I smelled something funny... like sulfur... and suddenly this really thick green smoke started pouring out of the tip of the lamp and it got really hot and burned my fingers. I dropped it on the floor and kind of flew to the back of the couch and I think I heard some weird and familiar beats thundering around the room, and when the smoke cleared... well, you'll never believe who was standing there in front of my TV.
It was
Eminem.
Yes, the white rap star wonder boy was standing in my living room. The really embarassing part was that we didn't have any clean towels so I had decided to air dry when I got out of the shower. So there I was, laying in all my naked glory, in front of my favorite musical artist and idol and
sexual fantasy, who had just popped out of a lamp that I'd bought for 2 bucks at a thrift store.
Sound like an interesting weekend yet?
He started talking in his screechy
Detroit accent.
"You know the drill. I'm a genie.. I was stuck in a lamp which you got under typical circumstances.. yeah yeah you're surprised, whateva bitch.. you get three wishes, no I'm not gonna fuck 'em up... that's bullshit outta stupid fairy tales.. and I can do anything. You want someone back from the dead? You want someone in love with you? I can fuckin do it. None of this
Robin Williams crap they feed you about limitations on genies. I mean for Chrissakes if I can live in a 3 inch by 3 inch piece of shit lamp then I can sure as hell raise someone from the dead."
He stopped here to light a cigarette. Maybe he hadn't noticed yet that I was naked.
"Since I'm sure you're curious I'll just get it out of the way now," he continued, "I found this very same lamp in a dumpster in Detroit 10 years ago, but there was no fucking genie in it then. I pulled it out and tried to drill a hole in it so I could make a
bong but some fucking voice in the sky started fucking yelling at me. Then this guy appeared out of nowhere and told me I could have any 1 wish I wanted if I agreed to trade my freedom and my soul and live in this fucking lamp for all eternity. Like a dumbshit I agreed. So you be fucking thankful that you get 3 wishes you naked bitch. By the way... nice tits."
"Uh... what did you wish for?" I asked.
"What the fuck do you think I wished for! I wanted to be a rap superstar you dumb hoe! Now look at me. I got everything I want. I don't mind the lamp... there's a bunch of naked bitches that feed me grapes and fan me with palm fronds all day long in there so it's not that bad. So, what the fuck do you want for your first wish?"
Three wishes. Have you ever wondered what you would wish for? Have you ever stopped to think about it? I mean, I could make someone come back from the dead... I could be famous, I could be rich, I could have anything in the whole fucking world. What would I want.
"I want 5 billion dollars scattered amongst various safe and secure
offshore accounts in my name."
"Done," he said as a thick stack of papers and things appeared on my lap... information on all the various accounts, passwords, and info I would need to retrieve my money.
Now, why would I ask for money? Well shit... I don't wanna work. I wouldn't mind going to school for the rest of my life, maybe using the money to fund great research laboratories. And I want to be normal, which is why I didn't ask for a "box that will never be empty of money" or something like that.
Plus, I think 5 billion dollars could hold me over for the rest of my life.
Wow.. just as I was writing this I was fantasizing about how I'm going to spend my money. I need a lawyer, a really good expensive lawyer, and some accountants and shit... to handle all of my personal affairs. I'll have to shop around to find someone that will
keep their mouth closed... that won't tell anyone I got it from a rap genie in a lamp. Then I'm going to buy a great house, and build an
ice skating rink near it. I'm gonna have a game room with
air hockey tables and pool tables, and a great swimming pool... and I'm going to go get a tattoo to celebrate this great day that I got all this money. And I'm going to buy a whole new wardrobe, quit my job, get some fucking awesome computers. Then I'll sit down and I'll write out some 5 million dollar checks for all my friends... give it to them. Oh what next what next! Oh shit.. I'll travel. I'm gonna see the world. Maybe I'll leave for a year or so and just travel around. I'm gonna give Justin enough money to fund his first movie, and I'm gonna buy Matt a fucking awesome setup with the nicest turntables and a little studio to produce his own shit, and get him an unlimited supply of
Adidas hats, and Aaron... geez.. I don't know what I'll do for Aaron cuz I don't really know what he wants.. but fuck... I'll get him something. When I get back from my year long travel around the world I'll sit down and figure out how to start making more money so that I'll never run out... maybe I'll invest or something. I don't know. But everyone I know will be well taken care of.
"Yo, bitch, come back to earth!!! What the fuck do you want next?"
And for my second wish... I wish I could see what my life would be like today if
Crystal hadn't died.
Now, maybe you wonder why I didn't ask for her to be alive again, or I didn't ask to go back to that day in time so I could save her, or I didn't ask to forget her memory entirely, or I didn't ask that I had never met her. Well, this is why: I like my life. I like where I am today. I'm happy with the friends I have, the people I know, the way things are going. I don't want to change it. I just want to see what would have happened. Maybe I would be dead... Maybe I would be a famous actress or a
drug addict or maybe I'd be doing exactly what I'm doing now. I don't really want an object or anything for this wish... I just want to KNOW. I want the knowledge of it.
The room started to spin... that green smoke and that crazy rap beat was back. I looked around and there I was on Yorba Linda Blvd. on what I can only assume was that night she died. Em was standing next to me, and there were Crystal, Ron, and Brian on the other side of the street about to run across. She looked terrible! Her hair was an inch long all over, practically shaved, her make-up was caked on and her skin was all fucked up, her clothes were dirty and she looked like she'd been sleeping in a bush all week. I looked to the left and there was a truck speeding our way. They started to cross the street, Ron and Brian in the front and Crystal following right behind them.
She was moving too slow... the truck was catching up to her...
"Crystal!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed. Maybe she did look like shit but I still loved her.
"They can't hear you," Em told me, "Haven't you ever seen
those movies where people do this sort of shit?"
The truck was coming... suddenly everything was in slow motion. Crystal was walking too slow, the truck was driving too fast.
And then he slammed on his brakes. I saw Crystal freeze in the headlights.. he was squeeling to a stop but it was too late... he hit her.
I saw her fly backwards a few feet onto the ground and bang her head. I ran over to stand next to her but she was already back up on her feet.
"You fucking prick! You piece of shit I'm gonna kick your ass!" She was screaming. Blood was trickling down her forehead and her knees and arms were all bruised and scratched up, but she was alive. Alive. Alive. Alive.
I can go on for pages and pages about what happened after that. Maybe I should write a screenplay about it. I saw her come home, I saw us make up after our fight... and that's all I want to talk about. The rest of it is for me and me alone. But now, I can sleep in peace.
"Done."
And for my last wish... I wish I could have a
penis for 1 day.
A real penis.. no vagina.. I want balls too. But leave the rest of my body how it is. I want my breasts still, I want everything else. Just a penis for one day. Not too big a penis, maybe 7 inches.
"Done." In another cloud of smoke and a thundering rap beat which I now recognized as "The Real Slim Shady", Eminem, and my lamp were gone.
I had an
erection.
It was beautiful. I don't really think that cock in general is very beautiful, but jesus christ. It was mine. And it was gorgeous. And it was hard.
I put that lesbian porno back on and jacked off. Twice.
I'm sure you already knew this part. Remember? I fucked you.
I fucked everyone I know. Girl sex, boy sex, blow jobs, anal sex, masturbation. I stuck my dick everywhere. Blow up dolls, apple pies. I whipped it out in public. I went to nudist colonies. I hired some prostitutes. And of course, since it was a wish, I didn't have to worry about STDs, but I did get my friend Marja pregnant. Isn't that cool? She's keeping the baby... I hope it's a normal kid. I don't know what my sperm was like this weekend. I had sperm! Can you believe that?
So that was it. My three wishes.