From Pyongyang With Love: This was someone else's idea, it was basically a comedy about a North Korean James Bond, I wrote a treatment but it didn't go much further than that.
If Jesus Lived: I have no idea. Just an empty document.
Mall Cunts: Tweens trade pills and fuck each other in a dissolving New Jersey mall. This one I basically finished, but I have no idea where the final draft went. Still have the first fifteen pages though.
DAS RUMOUR, one of the few remaining open stores in the mall, is a hyper hip music/clothing store. Its floor, ceiling and walls are all mirrored, creating a dizzying effect. Electronicore music is played constantly and loudly, consequently all conversation is yelled.
So Tom, are you excited?
Yeah, it's my first job, but you know. should be easy and stuff.
As Kat, Cordelia and Tom walk into the store a stumbling boy vomits onto the floor, which is already covered in scattered patches of vomit covered in saw dust.
OH WHAT THE FUCK.
The boy drops to the floor in embarrassment, he discards his satchel and it bursts open at Kat's feet, spilling its contents. The boy, visibly intoxicated, struggles to clean his sick from the mirrored floor. He slips and silently sobs.
IT'S. NO. JUST LEAVE IT.
Tropical Island Massacre: The first in a trilogy of nostomaniacal homages to classic horror. A plane carrying basically the kids from the Archie comics crashes off the coast of a small pacific island,a handful of the teens survive, only to be fucked to death by the frog monster inhabiting an ancient temple.
EXT. TROPICAL BEACH. DAYTIME.
Dead and dying passengers from the plane lie on the bloody sand. A light foamed tide rolls in. Slowly, battered and bruised survivors rise from the tide, rolling onto the beach.
PAN: The survivors wander among the dead, Stooping near wounded friends.
Suddenly, a pained scream sounds over the confused clamor of the survivors. ANGELA one of the survivors in a ragged blouse turns her head swiftly and screams.
EXT. TROPICAL BEACH. BATTERED SHRINE. DAYTIME.
Rising from an algae caked puddle a tall stone altar sits broken on the sand. Ancient hieroglyphs carved into it. Rusted metal tridents extend from it, and from one of these hangs impaled Steven. Waves lap at its black, green base. Angela runs into the frame.
Curse of the Black Pharaoh: The second installation of the trilogy would have taken place in an Edwardian museum, after an antediluvian monarch's mummy is hauled into a new exhibit his ancient evil would begin driving the museum staff and archeologists insane.
Zombies of the Red Planet: In the third installation a Soviet colony on Mars is shocked to discover a Nazi probe on the surface during routine geological work, no sooner is it brought in for analysis is a zombie virus unleashed. I didn't even bother writing more than the plot for this one.
Pirate Party: A floundering part time actor meets a high school student on the set of the public access children's show they work on, and fall in love, much to the older man's consternation.
EXT.PARKING LOT. NIGHT
The two lean against nick's shitty car, Nick huddles over to light a thin joint while Aiden fiddles with his cell phone. Nick lights it and inhales. Exhaling he leans back against his car.
So... rough first day?
Aiden smirks and takes the joint.
You could say that.
The two sit in silence for a moment.
So, how did you get here? I mean, this is a pretty backwoods show... Public access.
It's like... My mom saw a notice in the paper about tryouts for a kids show.
Ive been doing acting for awhile, like highschool theater, nothing too...
you know, anyway we went to the tryouts I tried out and here I am.
(looking a little put off)
So you're in college now or...?
(Shaking his head)
Nah' Im still a junior.
Nick begins to cough harshly and hands the joint to Aiden, spitting to the side.
Crucifixion at an Elementary School: A sex offender, desperate to re-enter society, is roped into a series of hijinks as he goes door to door in his new community, culminating in his staging The Passion of the Christ at an elementary school.It is exactly as heavy handed as it sounds.
EXT.colorful suburban cul-de-sac.
OVER THE SHOULDER:A shadow of a man in what appears to be a long robe, a cross over his shoulders, he walks into shot and we see it is a man in a rain coat, the cross is a 'sex offender' sign. (I wish I could say this is the most heavy handed thing in this one.)
MONTAGE: HE KNOCKS ON THE DOORS, AND THEY ARE SLAMMED IN HIS FACE. SHOTS OF THE SLENDER MAN STANDING NEXT TO A PAIR OF Sheriff'S DEPUTIES, AS THEY HAMMER A SEX OFFENDER SIGN INTO HIS LAWN.
THE SLENDER MAN, TOM PHILLIPS, LOOKS DEJECTED, HE IS A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER AND HAS BEEN INFORMING HIS NEW NEIGHBORS. HE APPROACHES ANOTHER HOUSE.
You can do it Tom... Just a few more houses.
He knocks, and begins to speak the second the door opens.
Hello, My name is Tom, and I have just moved in next door-
Incest Makes the Heart Grow Fonder: I have no idea, but I could guess.
Middle Aged Wizard:A badly titled Harry Potter parody in which popular hero/jock attempts to re-live his high school glory. Upon realizing no one cares, he ropes his arch-nemesis, now a senile old man, into a ruse to make him a hero again. I finished five pages, but they are painfully unfunny.
The Balls Parade: No Idea.
MX-9 and the Gang: Half Finished children's show pilot, MX-9 was a robot without emotions or feelings and was the main character. I thought it would be funny to have a children's show with the worst possible lead, and that was the whole joke, that he was just a robot, and so this did not develop. The script is very unfunny.
WE SHOULD REMEMBER THAT THOMAS'S LAST BABYSITTER STOLE HIS FOOD.
AND STOLE HIS FRIENDS.
MX-9! If you have something to say, say it to the rest of the class.
MX-9 stands up, TIB, and MARY stare, NERVOUS THOMAS, begins to shake.
MR.A, WERE YOU AWARE THAT THOMAS'S PREVIOUS BABY SITTER
STOLE BOTH HIS FOOD AND HIS FRIENDS
MR.A's head sinks into his hands, his ears twitch manically. (I think he was a dog?)
Sit Down MX-9
MX-9 sits down, nervous Thomas stares at him mouth agape. The class begins to laugh mercilessly at Nervous Thomas.
We are Going BACK to the FUTURE to make a Move: This was also someone elses idea, the astonishing premise was two down and out hollywood types discover a lost screenplay for a new Back to the Future movie, which would obviously be the greatest movie ever made. It was one of the worst ideas I had ever been sent so I figured I had to write it. They did not like it.
Int. Steven Spielberg's Zurich Loft.
A HELICOPTER is heard off screen, STEVEN SPIELBERG sits on a massive couch, a BUXOM NORDIC WOMAN lounges, sprawled, next to him. They are both high as fuck.
A door swings open and Steve and Mike, both slack jawed, are led in by STEVEN SPIELBERG'S servant REX.
STEVEN ushers the two over and REX, eyes brimming with tears, turns to leave.
REX turns around, his eyes pained, Steve and Mike stare at him, back at STEVEN and at each other. Finally they sit down.
BUXOM NORDIC WOMAN
No! I told you That's Rex! Look!
The woman begins to laugh, her eyes glassy, though it is not instantly apparent she is blind. REX is trembling.
Steve stares at the proceedings with apt, horrified attention, Mike has busied himself with a bowl of pretzels.
The woman continues laughing.
NO. NO LAUGHING NO. THAT IS REX. FUCKING REX.
He slaps the woman and she collapses to the floor. REX is sobbing, he silently mouths something to Steve, something passionate, before fleeing. The woman is laughing, sobbing and convulsing. A sick retching sound is heard beneath the table she has wedged herself.
STEVEN stands, fuming, above the table. Mike, having finished the bowl, is staring at the woman beneath the glass table.
MATCH CUT: TREMBLING EYES MEETING THE CONVULSING WOMAN'S, TENDERNESS AND LOVE ON EACH OF THEIR FACES. AS THE SHOT CUTS BACK AND FORTH FASTER AND FASTER.
STEVEN SPIELBERG V.O
(He is Yelling- Calming down)
ALL RIGHT, okay, FUCK, So Steve, Dave, this is important to me, alright? hold on.
RACK FOCUS: BEHIND MIKE'S FACE, WHICH OBSCURES MOST OF THE SCREEN, STARING FACE DOWN, STEVEN SPIELBERG'S HEAD ENTERS, BLURRED, THE TWO MASSIVE HEADS FILL THE SHOT. THE FOCUS SLOWLY CHANGES, UNTIL MIKE IS ENTIRELY BLURRED AND WE CAN SEE CLEARLY STEVEN SPIELBERG BLOWING A RAIL OF COKE.
Jesus Steve Please!
Shit, call me Allan, all my friends do!
I'm sorry sir, Allan.
That's better Steve!
Steve is distracted by Mike, who is trying to communicate with the woman under the table.
BUXOM NORDIC WOMAN
(Silently. Beneath glass)
You. I want you.
STEVEN notices this, and begins kicking the woman as he talks.
Rex filled me, SHUT, filled me in on the project, I like the pages, SHUT THE FUCK-
STEVENS kicks get more frenzied. Mike, horrified, stares on.
NOW, I'VE GOT- SHUT, Sorry, Sorry I just wish, SHUT UP!
BUXOM NORDIC WOMAN
I've read the treatment, I like the angle, I FUCKING SWEAR YOU- I had some thoughts, I thought
BUXOM NORDIC WOMAN
HO HEET JE- STEVEN HO HEET JE?!
STEVEN stomps harder and harder, the table is trembling, pens and cups fall over, finally STEVEN's foot, shatter the glass table, her head quietly rests in front of Mike, protruding through the broken table.
Steve and Mike are horrified. STEVEN takes a few deep breaths, and composed, continues.
Alright, okay, alright. Here's what we're going to do.
For comparison, my best screenplay.