"Good evening ladies and gentlemen my name is Jonathan Bobsyouruncle and I am here live on location at
J.R.R. Tolkien's grave in
England where there have been reports of some activity. As you well know this location has been quiet and undisturbed for well over twenty-five years, but recent reports have caused Mr. Tolkien to crawl out of his grave and repeatedly spin around in circles. And there he is now! If we hurry we might be able to have a word with the famous writer of
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy! Mister Tolkien! Mister Tolkien! May we have a word with you please?"
"Why certainly."
"First off, what are you doing sir?"
"Spinning."
"Spinning?"
"Yes, spinning. I'm spinning over my grave."
"Isn't the
proper terminology to be spinning IN one's grave?"
"Well I've been doing that for years but no one ever noticed so I decided to crawl out of my coffin and spin up here. It was getting rather cold and damp down there anyway."
"Well sir may I ask why you're spinning in, or rather on your grave?"
"Well there are several reasons but most recently it's been because those damn bastards who made a trailer for my book's movie available on the
Internet were so behind the times as to use
QuickTime as the method of transfer. See, I've been
dead throughout most of the
computer revolution and even I know
mpeg technology is the way to go."
"But surely that alone wouldn't be enough to drag you out of your eternal slumber, Mister Tolkien."
"Well of course I should say not! However, a much more pressing manner has me spinning on my grave."
"And that is?"
"Because fans of my work have the audacity to compare me to that hack charlatan
George Lucas! He literally STOLE the best parts of practically every myth known to mankind and lobotomized
Joseph Campbell in order to finish
Star Wars. I think he sold a few souls to
the devil too but that's just between you and me and the tombstone here."
"Really?"
"Quite. Now don't get me wrong I think R2D2 is adorable just as much as the next rotting corpse. Still, to compare my work to Lucas is like comparing
Shakespeare to a roadmap of the Wales countryside."
"And finally one more question before we let you continue."
"Yes well I don't mind you're not slowing me down at all, really."
"Are you not getting sick mister Tolkien you've been spinning on your grave for quite some time now."
"Well I would throw up but I haven't eaten in several decades so it would be little more than dry heaves really, so what's the point?"
"Well you have a point there - thank you Mister Tolkien for your time."
"It's been a pleasure son. AND TELL THEM TO BRING BACK
STARSKY AND HUTCH!"
Update June 10th, 2005: I like to imagine that if Mr. Tolkien were given the opportunity to see Peter Jackson's adaptation of his books into the motion picture trilogy for Lord of the Rings, that he would quietly stop spinning, lean back on his tombstone, grab some popcorn, and watch the DVDs ...with only the occasional nitpicking.