In truth, tonight I almost killed myself...
To be more precise, tonight I almost let go of life...
Laying in my bed at 2:00am, I am struck with the realisation that I am not going to fall asleep unless I actively calm myself. Actively calming oneself sounds like an oxymoron, but I know that it works.
I pause the CD I am listening to and got myself comfortable in bed, my arms by my sides and my feet together, My head and neck supported by a reading pillow, between two normal pillows. The bed-cover brought back from Bali tucked under my feet, loosely falling over my body and tucked under my arms.
I shut my eyes.
I lay there, in the silence of the night, my eyes closed to the glare of streetlights, the reflections off of the white painted walls.
I started to breathe more deeply, taking the crisp cool air through my nose, and then releasing it, long, slow expulsions that seemed loud and harsh to my ears.
As always happens, my fingers start to tingle. A slight sensation that cannot be properly described, something unique to this setting. Slowly it moves up my hand, my arm, at the same time the same feeling touches my toes, and creeps up my foot, an excited yet tranquil force that works up past my knees. I hold on tight to it, it feels wonderful, it feels like life itself... I take in a deep breath, as if to draw it closer, to wrap myself in its silken touch...
And then I let go...
Breath roars through drying lips, past the tip of the tongue that leads the way...
The sensation builds and flows with the blood and then with a flash of light it boils away...
Eyes roll back in the head, the darkness deepens...
A soft comforting layer of darkness, warm and gentle surrounds the mind...
The tongue remains exposed to the air as the last vestiges of breath pass it by...
... I float ...
... Time has no meaning, no scale, no measure but the beating of my heart ...
... Even my heartbeats seem to meld into one, and time is lost ...
... My mind is blank, Darkness is all I see or feel or desire ...
... A tightness in my head tells me I’m alive, but there is no alarm, no stress ...
... If I do not breathe, what does it matter, there is always the darkness ...
... And then I breathe ...
... Not out of obligation, or fear, or even love ...
... I just breathe ...
... It takes me time before I open my eyes ...
... And a longer time before I move the seemingly lifeless arms that remain at my side ...