Is a fantasy novel by a certain Janine Cross which first appeared in 2005 and would have sunk without a trace but for the internets picking up on it as a prime example of awful, awful literature. However I only learnt about it recently through the "So Bad It's Horrible" pages on TV Tropes. And to be fair, the premise didn't sound all that hopeless when I heard about it, that is, thud and blunder from the female perspective. But I was assured otherwise.

I though I'd best review it then. At least it wasn't more teen romance drivel or shite erotica, I thought. But I was soon to find that this is a bad idea...

Executive Summary

Venom-Cocked Dragon Worshippers of Gor, more like.

A bit more detail, if you don't mind?

The first thing I noticed about this novel, apart from the venom cock, was that every single character had a name that could only have come about as a result of tits on a keyboard. Okay, it wasn't quite as bad as The Eye of Argon, no Grignrs or Mrifks here. But it's not far off. The protagonist is a young girl named Zarq. Which is a swearword in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, isn't it. She has an elder sister called Waivia or Waisi and is a member of Clutch Re, a tribe that seems vaguely African in inspiration (reading between the lines) which worships dragons, for some reason. There's a secondary character called Xxef-Keau also, and another called Nnp-trn.

The second thing I noticed about it was that this worship of dragons doesn't stop the members of her tribe using the flesh and eggs and skin of dragons for all manner of mundane uses. Isn't this slightly like a Catholic priest serving communion wine in the local pub after the services? Or the Ayatollah using a Qur'an for bog paper? Or a Hindu chowing down on a Double Whopper? Am I missing something here? I must be, because this makes no sense.

Anyhow, she's really close to her sister, and is rather nonplussed when the elder sister, who is meant to be very attractive, gets sold into sex slavery, or, in the impenetrable parlance of the books, a kiyu. We're told that "kiyu" is also the word in the protagonist's language for a horrible smell, and is applied to sex slaves because after years of service, the smell of stale semen, pus, blood, and suchlike constantly emanates from between their legs, causing all around them to pinch their noses and go, "kii-yuuuuu!"

I swear to all the gods I am not making this up. Thanks, Zarq. We really didn't need to know that.

Anyhow, Zarq ends up being taken into service in a dragon temple and is circumcised. We're treated to a lengthy scene of her infibulation. Oh joy. But this isn't all, she ends up being subjected to sex slavery as well, despite having had the appropriate parts to carry out said duties hacked off. But not to worry, she enjoys it anyhow. Nice going, Janine. You fail female genital mutilation forever. But nevertheless, this fearless noder carried on, trawling through the incessant, incessant scenes where Zarq the newly infibulated draconic handmaiden learns the care and feeding of dragons. We're treated to exceptionally dull scene after exceptionally dull scene in which we're told all about this and the many uses of dragon venom. Apparently, it burns up your insides, is an anaesthetic, and is addictive. There seems to be some sort of a plot but I can't work out what it is, suffice to say, the heroine ends up addicted to venom and suchlike, and ends up whoring herself out for it. I don't bloody know.

Basically, it's a fantastical misery memoir, isn't it.

The author also seems to suffer from terribly purple prose as well. Every sentence drips with modifiers. Here's a line I pulled up at random:

"I launched myself toward the wheaten-haired person draped in porphyry and emerald silks upon the overstuffed carriage seats within. He turned in a miasma of alcohol and perfume and grilled meat, and as his eyes widened and his mouth opened, my machete slashed forward, across his long, golden neck, but my shroud, my makmaki shroud that had protected me and camouflaged me thus far, hindered my wild slash, and my blade slashed not across his throat but across one smooth, rounded shoulder, and as the momentum of my strike carried me forward and I fell against the person I would have killed, I realized it was not Kratt, was not even a man."

I'm sure that there's way too many adjectives in here. Let's have a little style class, children. Adjectives are to be used sparingly. Adverbs even more so. Similarly, humping a thesaurus is not fun for your reader. I'm sure that if I'd written that I'd have cut it down to half its size. Especially action sequences like that, you don't overstuff with adjectives because it ruins the flow and makes what was a quick, fast action bit all sluggish. While she was describing the irrelevant interior of the carriage her victim would no doubt have dodged out the way or otherwise run for it. Similarly, by loading everything with constant florid description the author only serves to bloat the novel and make you wonder what is going on.

And what is going on, because at the end, the book suddenly... stops. It ends with Zarq revealed as a girl (which is a Big Deal in the plot as only men are allowed to do what she was doing), and about to be whipped, and her craving her next fix of venom. And then we're treated to a big advert for the sequel.

But you don't care about that, do you. You're still wondering what a venom cock is, aren't you. After all, the reason this novel became a snark object on the internets was because of the venom cock. Righty ho then. Here goes. Well, you asked for it...

"'Lookit the thize of that one!' he bellowed. 'That'th a cock, hey-o!' He tugged on his own little thing beneath his dirty loincloth. A venom cock, they're called. I'd heard the words grunted respectfully among pottery clan men. I'd also heard the words mentioned by women wearing a carefully blank expression cultivated to hide opinion. Understand, women do not revere the venom cock as men do. They see it for what it is: an uncontrollable reaction to an impending event, and a slightly foolish reaction at that. Dono's reverence was a mystery to me back then, made all the more mysterious by his assertions about what a venom cock could do: slay a woman! Cripple a baby! Turn pleasurers into deaf, blind, barren idiots!"

Good night.

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