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How to mistake foolish pedantry for political correctness.

Dear former citizen of the United States of America:

In an effort to equalize the playing field in the global community it has been deemed necessary to rename your nation the United States of North America. As you have lived in this country your whole life, you may be surprised to learn that there are, in fact, two continents with the name America; the one in which you reside is North America, and another one called South America which is due south of North America. Furthermore you might be astounded to learn that there is a bridge of land connecting the two continents, perhaps confusingly, for you, called Central America. Within these continents are nations, some of which are divided into entities quite like your "states." Thus in the literal sense yours is not the only country which is a united set of states in the Americas. Therefore, while the name United States of America does accurately describe your country, it is not precise enough, as it could also describe other places.

Although this lack of precision has not caused a single incident of confusion, the global community thinks this change in name is necessary to force you self-titled "Americans" to stop being so self-centered. You should look outside your borders and learn something about the people of the world. Don't generalize and make stereotypes, as all you Merkins are wont to do. This is why everyone hates you. You clearly need to be taught a lesson, calling yourselves simply the United States of America, who do you think you are in the first place? As if you'd be the only ones. So what if you were first? It was really silly of you to choose a descriptive name for your nation in the first place. If you want to avoid further troubles, maybe you should pre-emptively change your nation's name to Sam.

Let me close this letter by thanking you for accepting this change. I hope you've learned that national pride leads to hegemonism (unless you live in Europe, Asia, Central America, South America, Oceania, Africa, Mexico or Canada).

Sincerely,

The World (minus you)

P.S. It may comfort you to know we are considering other new name changes: the People's Republic of China would be more accurately named the Chinese People's Republic of Red China, the Central African Republic would be known as the Central African Republic north of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, which in turn would be renamed Democratic Republic of the Congo (the nation, not the river), the Democratic People's Republic of Korea would become the Democratic North Korean People's Republic of North Korea, and the Republic of Korea would become the Republic of South Korea; but really these countries don't annoy us like yours does.



For the love of Pete, it's satire.

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