The VSD of the Lord of the Rings are a prime example of slash fiction, written by Cassandra Clair. Cassie's previous works were focusing on the Harry Potter books, and were simply mature Fan Fiction. Well written stuff, mainly centering on the interactions between Draco, Harry, Hermoine, Ron and Ginny.

However then she watched the Lord of the Rings and fell for Frodo Baggins. Instantly her slash-writing side took over...

Her stories involve all sorts of jokes about popular culture, and are very funny in places. Also they have created many phrases that have become firmly intrenched in LotR sites world-wide- a whole network of jokes about pointy hat tricks, pervy hobbit fanciers and the like. They are stored at and

Originally posted in the personal LiveJournal of Cassandra Claire, the "Very Secret Diaries" (VSD) are a series of fanfiction journals written from the points of view of various characters from the Lord of the Rings movie series, after the author saw The Fellowship of the Ring in theaters and her fangirl heart leapt for joy. The first VSD was written on December 30, 2001, from the point of view of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, after Cassandra Claire was searching for Legolas/Aragorn slash fiction and came across one that featured Legolas stealing Aragorn's diary after the Council of Elrond. "Apparently, Aragorn has a diary and time to write in it, and all he writes about is how cute he thinks Elf boys are. Who knew?"* The VSDs are written in the classic British journal style of very terse sentences and abbreviations (see Bridget Jones's Diary for another example of this style).

Since that day, there have been a total of fifteen separate VSDs, written from the points of view of the following characters:

  • Aragorn, son of Arathorn: "My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either."
  • Legolas, son of Weenus: "Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!"
  • Boromir of Gondor: "Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs."
  • Frodo Baggins: "Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move."
  • Samwise Gamgee: "Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything."
  • Gandalf the Grey: "Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age. Next day: In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry."
  • Peregrin Took: "Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can't wait."
  • Saruman the White: "Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb."
  • Gimli, son of Gloin: "Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!"
  • Meriadoc Brandybuck: "Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old "Horn of Gondor" trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once."
  • Ringwraith No. 5: "Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!"
  • Gollum: "Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor."
  • Arwen Undomiel: "Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!"
  • Elrond: "Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara. Tiara looks better on me anyway."
  • Sauron: "Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be evil."

Relationships in the Very Secret Diaries are almost completely, and perhaps situationally, homosexual, which is at least partly due to the relative scarcity of notable females in the Lord of the Rings series (both film and book). The slashy interpretation of the closeness of the Fellowship seems to be both a playful narration of the unusually high (for Hollywood) degree of male closeness and an ironic commentary on Western society's view of close brotherly ties as being indicative of homosexuality rather than loyalty towards a common cause. Canonical threads are as follows:

  • Frodo is not involved with anyone, and believes that everyone's peculiar behavior is due to the influence of the One Ring, and not their lust for him.
  • Legolas is the prettiest and vainest of the Fellowship and knows it. He also practices his nancing.
  • Boromir has an as yet undeclared lust for Aragorn and Frodo, and keeps asking Merry and Pippin if they want to "blow his Horn of Gondor".
  • Sam will give Frodo a bath at any and every opportunity, and will kill anyone else who tries anything.
  • Gandalf has had a failed relationship with the Balrog due to sticking it with the restaurant bill, and makes a special note of showing his "pointy hat trick" to interested hobbits.
  • Pippin is in a more-or-less ongoing relationship with Boromir, at least until the latter gets shot full of arrows.
  • Saruman has been involved with Sauron and knows several smackdown-worthy Wizard Wrestling Federation moves.
  • Gimli's preference is for elf women...although, after weeks of deprivation, hobbit males are starting to look pretty good.
  • Merry has a thing for well-shaped vegetables and is maintaining a relationship with Boromir, who constantly mistakes him for Pippin.
  • Elves have excellent fashion sense, with the exception of Elrond, who constantly borrows Arwen's clothing and accessories. Purple is not his color, according to everyone but Pippin.

Cassandra Claire has announced that she will no longer be writing any more "Very Secret Diaries", so Bardvahalla has continued in her footsteps with the "Very Secret Journals". Links to both may be found at <>. There have been several other spinoffs of the Very Secret Diaries written by admiring fans, including one of Sir Thomas Malory's Le Morte d'Arthur, which is located at <>. Who knew that terseness could be so amusing?


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