display | more...

So, this is what is has come down to in today's America.

It has become permissible and acceptable for a mute with a large ceramic head, dressed up like some kind of cartoonish British monarch to crawl into people's beds during the night and stare at them until they wake up. Apparently we have reached the point where privacy is less important than granting full access to our personal residences to lunatics.

Some research has shown this is the result of a provision in the Patriot Act. Somewhere in the back it states, "No American citizen shall in any way bar mutes wearing disguises from their homes and bedrooms." Obviously, we don't read these things very closely, we just nod our heads and say, "For the good of the country!" and move along. The result is that as time goes on, more and more of us will find ourselves waking up with a variety of cartoonish figures in our beds. Why stop there? If our government is going to allow imitation sovereigns unlimited access to our homes, why not expand this provision of the Patriot Act to allow other strange characters to get into our beds with us? There is evidence that they already have.

There needs to be a sense of resistance to these bold strikes against our personal freedoms. Some may cite the example of that little dude on the raft who used to hang out in our toilets in that commercial about tidy bowls or something, but that was easily explained. As Americans we have never made a fuss about small people being in our toilets. Anyone who would do such a thing is welcome to, as long as they don't get out of the toilet, put on a ceramic head and stare at us while we brush our teeth. There was an implied invitation in those commercials. The difference with this "king" is that there is no invitation.

What we see in this commercial is a man sleeping alone. It is obvious this man is single and rightfully so. He has nothing going for him. He is not attractive, he is not particularly intelligent and has no real marketable skills. It is apparent that he is about to start a day working in some kind of menial job and he is right on the edge. His face shows us that he has considered death to be a preferable option to continuing his meaningless life. The signs are everywhere. Does this make him less of a person than those who might have skills, intelligence and looks? Of course not, but we are shown this man as an example to beat us down into submission. We are made to feel that we are this man and the best thing that can happen is for our home to be invaded by a ceramic-headed mute wielding a breakfast sandwich.

What happens next is a benchmark of today's paranoid American society where everything is suspicious except the government. This weird mute who climbs into the man's bed is dressed in royal-looking garments on purpose. He is obviously an agent of this new KGB-like super intelligence agency they keep talking about. He is gathering information. What was he really doing while this poor man without any prospects was sleeping? Going through his drawers? Checking out his personal records? Trying to determine if he had any ties to "terrorist" activities? We cannot be sure, but it is very obvious that this politically motivated advertisement concocted by the right-wing media is intended to show us that such intelligence gathering agents are harmless. He offers the man who has no prospects or reason to live a breakfast sandwich with egg, meat and cheese. These three things are repeated several times, lulling us into acceptance by preying upon our natural need for food. It doesn't matter that this government agent is wearing a disguise that makes Peter Sellers' outfits in the Pink Panther movies look convincing by comparison. That is part of the point. A government agent dressed like Henry VIII who brings breakfast is suppose to be soothing, but there is growing evidence that the American public is rising against this. Perhaps the golden age of apathy is coming to a close.

In the beginning we were convinced that this whole war on terror was going to involve good-looking and well-armed FBI agents storming into seedy bars and arresting dangerous people who don't shower frequently enough. That seemed okay to us and we were willing to sign off on it. However, as time went on we began to realize they wanted information on all of us and there simply wasn't enough manpower to do the job.

"The King" is just the beginning. Last night as I was sleeping in my bed, I awoke to find myself being stared at by a non-talking, ceramic-headed St. Pauli Girl. Now, although I made love to her twice, I still felt uneasy about the whole affair. What was she doing in my home and what had she learned while I was still asleep? These questions remained unanswered, because she appeared to be a deaf mute, and even though she had a great body, there was something wrong with the situation. How had she gotten through my locked front door? All my windows and doors remained sealed and she disappeared while I was taking a shower and singing that "When you're in love with a beautiful woman... you watch your friends" song. My door remained deadbolted from inside. There was no easy explanation.

While I was making love to the St. Pauli Girl, some thoughts crossed my mind. I considered the possibility that the government had developed a way to either teleport its diabolical agents into a person's home or allow them to change between solid, liquid and gaseous forms. I also realized that the government is playing to our weaknesses. The man with no prospects and no future who wakes up with "the king" is apparently easily seduced by food. I am easily seduced by scantily clad beer maidens. There is an obvious connection and a very apparent thread.

So, in conclusion, let me tell you that it is okay to be paranoid. Home invasion is not to be taken lightly, no matter what is offered to make you forget about what is really going on. A breakfast sandwich with egg, meat and cheese is no substitute for peace of mind. One night of passion and intense lovemaking is no substitute for watching television by yourself. We must stand up for our rights. We must vote for change before these ceramic-headed government agents take away more of our freedoms and further erode our democratic principles. Stand beside me. We can handle this together.

Repeat after me: "I will not allow you to put ceramic-headed mutes into my bed. I reject what you and your cronies have done by authorizing this type of home invasion through particulars of the Patriot Act." Take the pledge and write to your congresspersons immediately.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.