We Need To Talk

(Lights up on stage. PETER, hopefully wearing a green tutu, is standing onstage. There is a bench set on stage right.)

PETER: (To himself:) It’s not you, it’s me. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s not me, it’s you. Dangit! No, Wendy, of course you aren't holding me back. I love you. I left Neverland for you! And all my friends and, uh, immortality, and wow, I am not really helping here. (Playing both sides of the argument.) There’s nothing wrong with you, I just feel like we’re headed in different directions. What do I mean? Well, uh, I’m always going straight on till morning, and you, well - (WENDY enters, happy.) Oh, uh, hey, Wendy.

WENDY: Peter! You’re in my house!

PETER: Uh, yeah. Hey, Wendy -

WENDY: Oh, Peter, I had the most wonderful day. Alice and I went out sledding, and I told her all about you and Tinkerbell, and you wouldn’t have believed the look on her face, she was so amazed!

PETER: Well, you know me. Amazing Peter Pan. It’s what they call me. A-ma-zing. So, Wendy -

WENDY: And you know, she wouldn’t believe me when I told her about how wonderful you were, either. About how you’ve been the best boyfriend a girl like me could ever hope for.

PETER: Oh. Isn’t that funny. Ha-ha.

WENDY: But I told her! I told her about last week, when the two of us were sitting in the park, and just how perfect that moment was, just how great our relationship is.

PETER: Look, Wendy, I really need to -

WENDY: And about how Tinkerbell - where is she, anyway?

PETER: She’s, uh, running an errand for me.

WENDY: Oh, isn’t that great! You and her and me, the perfect team!

PETER: Wendy, I think we should break up.

WENDY: (Beat.) WHAT?

PETER: I just feel like we’re headed in different directions -

WENDY: What do you mean?

PETER: I mean, I’m always headed straight on till morning and always -

WENDY: But - but, Peter! What happened? We’re so good together!

PETER: It, uh, it’s not you, it’s cheese -

WENDY: What?!

PETER: I mean me! It’s not you, it’s me -

WENDY: But it isn’t you! You’re perfect! Peter, I -

PETER: I’m sorry, I just don’t think -

WENDY: Peter! Then what was this to you? Were we.... Did I never mean anything to you?

PETER: No, Wendy! I left Neverland for you! Of course you -

TINKERBELL: (Entering, chipper.) Hey guys! (Beat.) Oh. So you, uh, you broke the news.

WENDY: Tinkerbell!

TINKERBELL: Uh, yeah?

WENDY: You knew about this?

TINKERBELL: Uh, yeah.

WENDY: And you didn’t tell me?

PETER: Tink, this isn’t going as planned! Little help?

TINKERBELL: Oh, yeah, sure. (Blows on her palm onto WENDY’s face. WENDY collapses to the floor.) There you are.

PETER: Tink?

TINKERBELL: Yeah?

PETER: What did you just do?

TINKERBELL: Fairy dust. Special order, just like you asked.

PETER: I asked for the memory-erasey stuff, not the, the, the murdery stuff!

TINKERBELL: Calm down, kid. She’s fine. She’s just gonna wake up in a minute, not remembering anything that you just said. And then, well... take two! (WENDY groans.) See? She’s alive.

WENDY: (Sitting up.) I’m on the floor.

PETER: Yeah.

WENDY: Peter! Tinkerbell. You’re in my house.

PETER: ...Yeah.

WENDY: (Standing up.) Well, Peter, Tinkerbell, I just had the most wonderful day. Although, come to think of it, I don’t really remember much of it -

PETER: Look, Wendy, we need to talk.

WENDY: Peter?

PETER: I think we need to break up.

WENDY: PETER?

PETER: It’s not you, it’s me; I just feel like we’re headed in different directions -

WENDY: But - But Peter, we were so good together! You, me, and Tinkerbell, we were the perfect team!

PETER: But I just don’t think that we can keep going like this, Wendy -

WENDY: Going like what, Peter?

PETER: I don’t know -

WENDY: Well, there’s a great reason to break up with someone! You don’t know?

PETER: Tink!

WENDY: Oh, do not bring her into this, Peter, this is our relationship -

PETER: Help! (TINKERBELL blows the powder onto WENDY, who falls again.)

TINKERBELL: You’re smooth.

PETER: You’re short!

TINKERBELL: Low blow!

PETER: Bad pun!

WENDY: Ooooow! (Sitting up.) Oh… Oh, Peter. Peter, why does my head hurt?

PETER: Wendy?

WENDY: (Standing.) Peter - Peter, why are you in my house?

PETER: Uh, Wendy -

WENDY: Peter… Oh, Peter, I just had the most wonderful day… But, I can’t seem to recall what I did. Or why my head hurts so much.

PETER: Wendy, I… I think we need to talk.

WENDY: Oh Peter, what did I do this time?

PETER: Nothing, it’s just… I think we should break up.

WENDY: What?!

PETER: I just feel like we’re going in different directions, and -

WENDY: But, but Peter! We were so good together!

TINKERBELL: Peter, maybe try something different?

WENDY: Tinkerbell?!

TINKERBELL: Hi?

WENDY: Are you giving him advice on how to break up with me?!

TINKERBELL: ...Maybe?

WENDY: This is so like you! This is none of your business, Tink, and I think it would be best if you just left me and Peter alone so that - (TINKERBELL blows the powder at WENDY again, who falls again.)

PETER: What did you do that for?

TINKERBELL: She was crazy! I had to! (Like a mobster:) I was only protecting you, you know.

PETER: Well, I don’t want to kill her!

TINKERBELL: Oh, come on, she’s fine.

PETER: (Pause.) Tink?

TINKERBELL: She’s fine. (Longer pause. PETER opens his mouth to speak, but before he can:) SHE’S FINE. (Wendy groans. Gloatingly:) See?

WENDY: Oh God, my everything.

PETER: Wendy?

WENDY: Uuuh?

PETER: Are you okay?

WENDY: Am I supposed to be on the floor?

PETER: Um… Kinda?

WENDY: Then kinda. (Sits up.) Peter. In my house. Peter, you’re in my house. (Falls back slightly, sits back up.) Oh God, Peter, what did I do?

PETER: Nothing, Wendy, nothing. (Beat.) We should break up.

WENDY: (Looks at PETER, falls back on the floor.)

PETER: Wendy?

WENDY: You are real?

PETER: Yes?

WENDY: And you want to break up?

PETER: Uh… Yes.

WENDY: Floor, take me back! I’m sorry for whatever I did!

PETER: Wendy.

WENDY: Oh, Peter, what did I do?

PETER: Wendy, you didn’t do anything -

WENDY: (Somewhat shakily standing up) Then why are you breaking up with me?

PETER: I just feel like we’re going in different directions -

TINKERBELL: Because this line has worked so well before.

WENDY: Tinkerbell, don’t you start. This isn’t about you. Peter. What do you mean, you want to break up?

PETER: I just mean… Well… I don’t know if this is the best thing for me.

WENDY: “This?”

PETER: Us.

WENDY: But we were so good together! You and me, we were the perfect team!

TINKERBELL: And what am I, chopped gizzard?

WENDY: Peter!

PETER: (To TINKERBELL) Gizzard?

TINKERBELL: (Shrugs) Fairies don’t have livers.

(PETER is amazed by this.)

WENDY: Shut it, dusty!

TINKERBELL: Dusty?

PETER: Look, Wendy -

TINKERBELL: That’s a slur. You take that back.

WENDY: Peter. Don’t do this to me, Peter. Why are you doing this to me?

PETER: It’s not you, it’s -

WENDY: A reason, Peter! Give me a reason!

TINKERBELL: Peter, do you want me to -

WENDY: (Turning to her. Punctuates each word.) Shut up, dinky!

TINKERBELL: Hey! I’m not short!

PETER: You know what, Wendy?

TINKERBELL: I’m fairy-sized.

PETER: Maybe it is you! I mean, you’re crazy! You’re overly dramatic! You’re obsessive! Everything you say sounds scripted! (The entire cast turns and stares at the audience for three seconds, then snaps back to the action.) You act like you’re so nice, and then you turn right around and you’re just nasty! And I’m sick of it!

WENDY: Oh really?

PETER: Yep!

WENDY: So this is it, huh? After all those years, we’re just done? Over? Like that?

PETER: Yuuuuuup!

WENDY: Well, fine!

PETER: Yeah!

WENDY: Then I guess that’s that. (WENDY goes and sits on the bench, sulking angrily. Pause. She remembers where she is.) Get out of my house! (PETER and TINKERBELL grab their things and begin to angrily storm off stage.)

TINKERBELL: (As they leave.) You know, all things considered, I think that went pretty well!

(PETER turns around, stares at her, angrily confused. He spins around and exits. TINKERBELL follows. Blackout.)