What to do after leaving school

So, that momentous day has come, school is finally over, the bane of your life has ended and you've partied like it's 1999. Now what? What are you going to do with your days? Oh of course you're entitled to a couple of weeks of doing absolutely nothing, but when those 2 weeks turn into 3 weeks, when that one month turns into 2 months then 3 months, then what are you going to do? (bad boys bad boys) Time to start planning your future my friend. This is the stage in your life when you actually have to start taking responsibility, you have to start making decisions all by yourself. The rigorous structure you have followed faithfully since the age of six has disappeared to be replaced by nothing, zip, zilch. Believe me, the novelty of not having to go to school anymore will wear off very quickly, to be replaced by boredom and depression. You've effectively come out of prison after serving a life term. Am I getting through to you at all? Probably not, because if I read this write up at the innocent age of 18, or 21 if you're coming out of uni, yes this applies to you too you big brained graduates, then I'd easily dismiss it as the ramblings of someone who has a lot to say about nothing. But ignore me at your peril, I've been where you are, and I've gone through what you're probably going to go through, and you know what? It ain't a pretty sight. I wish I'd had someone to point out a few home truths to me, but you live and learn.

Now if you're a school leaver aged 16 or 18. Hopefully you've left with some qualifications to your good name. If you haven't then either go back to school, join the army or get an apprenticeship. If you have a nice collection of grades, then consider the following:

1. You could go to University. If you want to but aren't sure of what to study then don't worry, as to be honest it doesn't really matter. Employers are only really interested in the fact that you passed, whatever subject you did. Here's some advice though, pick something that you think you'll enjoy, or will result in you meeting some interesting people, e.g. steer clear of computer science and go for something like psychology. Think of subjects that will have a decent amount of the opposite sex in as well, so if you're a bloke avoid crap like electrical engineering, and if you're a girl, well to be honest you're gonna get hit on whatever class you take, as long as you haven't got a terminal case of the uglies.

If you want to go to University but aren't ready for it, then no problemo. You can easily put it off for any amount of time.

If you do decide to go then be warned. When you come out the chances of you getting a 'job' will increase, but deciding what that first job you want is will still most probably elude you. University will mature you, but only very slightly.

2. Go travelling. A nice'n'easy kop-out, putting off the big decisions for a year or two.
3. Get a job.
If you have a clear idea of what you want to do then it's plain sailing. However, don't EVER be afraid to change your mind about what you want to do in life. If you try something and don't like it then try something else, and if you don’t like the something else, then move on again. It's incredibly easy to find out what you don't like doing, but nigh on impossible to find something you do.

If you haven't got the first clue about what to do in life then don't worry, well worry a little bit, but hey, you're not the only one. It's no crime not knowing what you want out of life and to be honest, sitting down and thinking about it won't help you one iota, you either know or you don't. What you have to do is get on with it, start finding out what you don't like doing, then you'll eventually get to a stage where you think "FUCK THIS! I wanna do.......so and so" and you'll blossom into the know it of all know it all’s about what you DO want to do. This leads us onto the following options for job hunting:

• Get the jobs papers. Sadly these are full of utter shite. Jobs which no one else wants and can't be filled through an agency. If you are lucky enough to come across something that seems remotely interesting then there's probably about 10,000 other people out there who've had the same thought, and who have a shitload more experience then you. Also, steer clear of ads which are looking for "office juniors" or jobs which are apparently "ideal for a school leaver". You'll simply end up being the office gimp. All that bollocks about "having to start off at the bottom to work your way up" is well....bollocks!
• Apply directly to companies which you think you might like to work for. Find out their address and send them a nice ass kissing cover letter along with your CV. Most companies also have a recruitment sector on their website. Most of the time you'll get the "Thank you for your application, however, we regret to inform you" letter. Tear this into tiny little pieces and boycott the companies products for, oh about 3 days.
• Join not one, but as many recruitment agencies as you can. This is the method most likely to bring you your first paying job. However, it will be a shit job, I guarantee you. Be under no illusions, recruitment agencies and the people who work for them are scum, pure and simple. It's not lawyers, or corporate fatcats who deserve to have their eyes gouged out with hot pokers, it's these people. Don't fall for how nice or friendly they seem, or how interested they appear to be in your career plans, it's all an act. A very clever act I have to admit, but an act nonetheless. If they stick you in a job which is shit ring them up and tell them it's shit. If the next job they get you is shit, tell them again. They're like a naughty puppy which needs to be trained, slap them enough times on the nose and they'll stop pissing up your leg....if you're lucky. You don't even want to get me started on how much money they make out of you!

If you get a job, don't celebrate just yet. You know how superior you feel to a 3 year old child, well that's how your employer and colleagues feel about you. To them you are nothing, and if you're a Graduate, you're a nothing with an extra certificate. You're like a work virgin. You'll take all the shit they can give you simply because you don't know any better. You'll let people pull down their pants, take giant great shits on your forehead, film it and put it on the company Intranet without batting an eyelid. It doesn't matter how smart you dress, how expensive your suit is, how hard you work, how dedicated you are to the company, these people get a power rush out of you, it's a primal instinctive action on their part, and you can't do anything about it.

On the other hand, you might be in the minority of school leavers who find great jobs with great managers and colleagues. In which case good luck to you. Even if you read all of this and take it on board it really won't help you a great deal. as Marcellus Wallis once said "you fight through that shit". Hold your breath and keep your head down until you're at least 22 or 23. Only then do people even start to respect you as an 'adult' who deserves to be treated as such. Well, I hope this write up has been helpful to anyone for which it may apply, and if you need any advice or guidance or whatever, then in the words of my template job letter "don’t hesitate to contact me". I'm a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker, motherfucker.