When shall I be free?

...excerpt from a training lecture, Quantico, Virginia, November, 2002.

Yes yes yes I already know that the unseemly things I learn talking to the other white folks in hotel bars down in Africa aren't fit for discussion with you folks back home in the Western Democracies.

So how the fuck I can ever be expected to contribute to polite conversation after spending so much time down there in Africa specifically and around these folks in general I have no fucking idea. I'm ruined for life I swear.

You know when things get tense during my teaching - a part time job at a local University here in London - and I'm fed up with their bullshit and I exasperatedly say that we should just kill them all people look at me like I'm the fucking psycho. They stop talking and I swear I can hear throats clear.

Ok, ok, maybe this job has fucked me over and I am the psycho. Well I don't rightfully know for sure so fuck that.

I was last in Lagos two months ago it was a real fucking trip. The US Embassy on Victoria Island came under small arms and mortar fire while all non essential staff were evacuated. That was the third stop on my November 2005 African tour, not to be confused with my other, monthly African tours. Same old shit : Nigeria, Togo and a special bonus country in the form of someplace completely fucked that we (Americans, that is) are not supposed to be. Most folks back in the US aren't aware this shit going on. That's why I write these journals. Others, stuck in it as deep as am I sam "fuck it".

So do you want a nice tidbit to offer up at your next cocktail party? Do you want to appear all prescient and cosmopolitan and foreknowing and shit but without the liability of leaving the US or Europe? The CHINESE have an already very, very large and getting larger all the time military presence down there in Africa. I've seen them in Nigeria, we were in Ghana, saw them there, Togo in April before we were evacuated just before the coup (this job is groovy when things happen in an organised manner!), as well.

Why?

Well, I never said this. But. I. Suspect. OIL.

The next flash point? I don't know. I just do what they ask me to do and I don't ask no questions.

But I see things. And I'm cursed with an inquisitive nature and love to read newspapers. So I make my own conclusions.

Anyhow, the nugget of wisdom that I bring to you today is courtesy of one of the Aussie security guys that was kind enough to follow me about. Of course, he was getting paid but that's besides the point. He's a great guy! And his advise is consistent with that of many Cadets who have posted on this topic before myself.

He and his team picked met me at the (dangerous) airport in Lagos and bribed the cops that tried to rob us in the middle of the fucking jungle on some butt fuck mud road between the airport and Ikoyi Island

(side-note: about one year ago they pulled us outta Lagos proper 'cause it's royally fucked and from what I've seen totally outta control, and we're now parked on Ikoyi Island which is really, really nice as far as nice places go - that's not far in Nigeria but I'll take what I can get believe you me - only downside is you've gotta go through Lagos to get there)

and for our entire time there he and his team generally acted menacing whenever someone got too inquisitive. Or close.

He's been with The Firm a long time now, and has been active all over Africa, and for at least the past twenty years. I think he was a Mercenary at one point - he dropped Mark Thatcher's name more than once - but I learned long ago in this biz not to ask questions and he didn't volunteer information. So I don't know for sure.

But the good news is I'm active now solely in Africa (until *that* mobile rings at least I think?), and I'm eager to learn all I can.

We were drinking this kick ass Guinness (Foreign - I like to insert that word!) Legion Extra Stout, 8% alcohol and the 60 ml cannonballs as well. Ladies and Gentleman and Mercenaries alike after three bottles please hold onto the floor 'cause it's gonna move. Later we're getting dinner and the stuff they eat there. Of course you CANT eat a salad 'cause everythings gotta be burned to a crisp to kill off everything microscopic that might make you sad. Sucks, 'cause the only thing I can really safely eat there are chips. You can call me proper, but Mutant ain't eating no Monkey. So I bring my own food. To the amusement of the JarHeads.

Of course The Firm was paying for the booze and who the fuck needs a liver in ButtFuck Africa anyway so the alcohol flowed and I mean Jebus the shit you see there and the shit you see people getting up to, you NEED alcohol sometimes. This beer is brewed in Africa and is not exported. But I'm gonna bring some back next month when I'm on the road again (usual BS - Lagos, Brazzaville, Lome - that's a hell of routine I've somehow fallen into).

OK OK to the interesting anecdote you've all been waiting for :

To set the scene : 11PM in sweaty hotel bar on Ikoyi Island, Lagos, Nigeria. Ceiling fans. Windows are all steamy 'cause even so late at night it's still 35 or so (90 for you metrically challenged 'Yanks) and maybe 80% humidty. A big lizard crawling on the wall that nobody, even me because I've been here a lot, pays attention to. Its my last night there so we're having a drinkup at The Firm's expense.

Maybe ten white folks about, perhaps twenty blacks, mostly wimmens, about half a dozen hotel workers in white uniforms (all blacks, by the way). Piano with some American loser ex-pat playing. I talked to him maybe one year ago, and I think he's a paedo sick fuck. Football (whoops! S.O.C.C.E.R - there feel better?) playing on the silent wall mounted telleys.

In the crowded bars background conversation I can identify at least three European languages (German/French/English) and one maybe two Nordic that I can't place. Mostly Oil talk from the German and English. I've been up since 4AM 'cause they (The Firm) likes to move us White Folks about in the dark as White Folks attract attention here (we don' like attention). And we're usually back at 8PM or so (dark again). I haven't eaten since maybe 2PM and that 8% is NOT subtle when it finally catches up with you.

In my coat pocket can feel/hear my Blackberry vibrating/bleeping but it's only the Old Man so he can piss off. Fucking troublemaker. Probably wants me to get on a fucking plane upcountry to Abjua or maybe even Botswana again. Fuck that shit. Last time we worked in Botswana I was smuggled in in the back of a fucking Lorry and I did not know how illegal that was at the time - some mandatory 15 years in an African jail is illegal enough me. So fuck that.

Also, a little side trip he asked me to take to Sudan in 2003 got me shot in the leg, and here in Nigeria thanks to his impulsivness I caught a fucking parasite that still survives in me, some two years later. I've given up taking pills to kill it, as they make me royally fucked up sick. Actually, I figure by natural selection my parasite deserves to live now as I can't kill it without near killing myself, so we've now got this weird MAD going on, my insect companion and I.

I got the holy fucking living shit kicked outta me by an Anti-American mob in Lagos back in January 2003 outside the US Embassy, in a coma for over one week, evacuated to the USS Comfort, an American Navy Hospital ship, a category three concussion they said, medically "unresponsive", they said, "hemorrhagic stroke" on the operating room table they said, and then The Dark Whispers came and talked to me and showed me missing people and times long gone and places long forgotten I remembered and then they asked me on slow Dark Whispers ever so slow slow slow and meaningful whispiers to go with them they wanted me to go with them and I wanted to go with them and I started to go with them I started to slip away slowly at first and then fastter and faster I was slipping away and I liked it and I wanted to slip away but then then Dark Whispers were pushed aside by The Light as it came and it came first whispering and then it came louder and then The Light talked faster and louder and louder and faster and grabbed at me harshly violently harshly urgently shrieking pulled pulled pulled at me and I suddenly awoke on an American Navy Hospital ship. But even safe in that knowledge The Dark Whispers still try to talk to me now in London, I still hear The Dark Whispers all of the time all of the time I hear them in quiet waking moments in the incessant English rain I see them in my lovers calm eyes and in slow dark dreams I hear them all the time they haunt haunt me now

But fucking Botswana sux. Big time. Fuck that place. Nothing against the people - they's great! More what happened to Westerners there. So I will never ever never go back to Botswana and I've been fucking with the Old Man, taunting him that supposedly Americans are prohibited from going there, Cuba style. Blame it on Helms-Burton. And he get confused! To me advantage! Ha!

And then my emphatic chain smoking Aussie pal launches into his advise which I pass along to you good folks. Pity I can't write the accent.

1) Everyone has a job and everyone knows their job (makes his point with his cigarette - some African brand that not only comes without warning labels, it's also missing filters and other Western safety devices - this IS the archetypical coffin nail)

2) Everyday everyday EVERY FUCKING DAY (his face got red and his eyes got REAL BIG when he said this so I felt obliged to solemnly nod in agreement) run basic combat drills, weapons drills, tactical drills. No excuses (he waved his cigarette around). Then do it all again.

3) Always take far more stuff then you think you'll ever need (he paused and glared at me). Because when you need it you'll be glad you got it . And when you need it you won't be in a position to ask for it (hard to argue against that point).

4) When moving down streets do it right and proper; one Point Man (aka bait - throaty laugh laugh laugh, phlegmy cough cough cough napkin wiping at his lips and then he lights another cigarette), followed by TWO gunners with heavy weapons, followed closely by the squad leader, then the rest (a white jacketed bar guy cleared the ashtry and brought another - I thanked him even though I don't smoke but the Aussie barely acknowledged the guys presence - the hotel folks like me 'cause I talk to them and learn their names - they all call me Mr David).

5) Always be paranoid, stopping often, looking 180 degrees all the time, 360 at least once a minute. At no one point in time should EVERYONE look in the same direction, unless you're in the shit ("I'll get to that next" - at this point he orders shots and we do three each in rapid succession - like I said, this place SUCKS and everyone wants to forget they are there).

6) When you're in the shit drop, roll, move, move, move, do whatever you gotta do then start shooting.

7) Mutually supportive combat tactics and take your time. Bullets aren't free they're not. The fire team selects then deactivates opponents one by one. He paused, turned to lean on the bar and took a long, carcinogenic drag off his cigarette before continuing it was a genuine one minute pause with his head in his hands, I think he felt bad about something - but remember - I don't ask questions.

8) If something or someone up ahead needs investigating two guys go. The team stops and circles for 360 degree outward cover.

9) One man investigates something or someone while the other stops 20 meters back and points his gun at something or someone.

10) When investigating something or someone and if something is indeed someone first take their weapons which means ANYTHING. If you feel / find something metallic scream GRENADE! and jump back. The gentleman in the rear will at that point open fire thus neutralising someone.

Smilingly, he nodded at me like this was something that always happened.

Holy fucking shit I mean my gosh the things I learn when I'm not in London. JeBus I've been drinking since getting back in the wee hours. My sleeps all fucked so I'm gonna drink some more. Don't mind if I do. Pizza ordering in.

"Just try to relax...."

DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.

"Just try to relax...."
I'm fading.
So CyA.

"When shall I be free?"

I always go - when I'm in London - I always go at seven O'Clock at night

IN MY DREAMS. IN MY DREAMS.
"It's all over then!"

My legs twitch like they always do when my parasite bites.
DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
Good night.

I can hear Big Ben from my flat.
"REMEMBER: You can NEVER die."

SO BEAUTIFUL.
The loveliest night of the year.

I'm so tired.

"But when shall I be free?"

"Just try to relax...."
I'm fading.
I'll be going to bed soon.

So beautiful. My dreams.
Good night.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

"But when shall I be free?"

Big Ben chimes.
I'm. So. So. So. Tired.

"It's the loveliest night of the year".

"...The United States has emerged victorious against multiple opponents in what has been called the fourth world war...America, apparently staggered by simultaneous sneak attacks on US territory called upon US ex-patriate citizens, some operatives already employed by intelligence agencies, who initiated..."

Christ Jesus My leg, I'm shot, fuck.....fuck please....
"Silly boy just listen to me you can NEVER die."

"But when shall I be free?"

Something...something Wonderful.
PEACEFUL SLUMBERS
"I've got to have good night's sleep you see because if I don't have a good nights sleep I can't I can't. Sleep later"

"Just try to relax...."
DREAMS.
"It's all over then!"

Good night Maw.
I'm so - so tired.

"We will always...we will always love you..."

God Damn them all
Good night. Yes, good night!
My legs twitch.
Your imagination works even stronger at night.

"The United States has emerged victorious against....."
Oh my God.

"When shall I be free?"

In. My. Dreams.
So beautiful

DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
Something Wonderful.
CyA.
SO BEAUTIFUL.

"Good night darling Dave, darling Dave..."

Big Ben Rings.

I'm. So. So. So. Tired.

"But when shall I be free?"

IN MY DREAMS.

Good night Paw.
JUST TRY AND RELAX
It's over then.

"We will always love you David..."
Good night Mike.

It's been quite a long memorable night, this flight from Lagos to London.

SO WHO DO YOU REALLY WORK FOR???????? I CANTSAY
SO WHO DO YOU REALLY WORK FOR???????? I CANTSAY
SO WHO DO YOU REALLY WORK FOR???????? I CANTSAY

"Good night eveyone!"

It's over then.

"But when shall I be free?"

Oh my god please.

MY DREAMS.
MY DREAMS.

OCEANS WAVES.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

"But when shall I be free?"

DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
DREAMS.
OCEANS WAVES.
OCEANS WAVES.

"When shall I be free?"

OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS.

OCEANS WAVES. DREAMS.

YOUR TIME IS UP.
OCEANS WAVES.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
OCEANS WAVES.

"But when shall I be free?"

SO BEAUTIFUL.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
OCEANS WAVES.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

OCEANS WAVES.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS.
DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
OCEANS WAVES.

IN MY DREAMS.

OCEANS WAVES
DREAMS.

"But when shall I be free?"

DREAMS.
Something Wonderful. OCEANS WAVES.

OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS.
OCEANS WAVES.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

YOUR TIME IS UP.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS.

DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS.
OCEANS WAVES.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.

OCEANS WAVES.

IN MY DREAMS.

"But when shall I be free?"

DREAMS.
Something Wonderful.
OCEANS WAVES.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

Something Wonderful.
Something Wonderful. OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS. Something Wonderful.
OCEANS WAVES.

DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS. OCEANS WAVES.

IN MY DREAMS.

OCEANS WAVES.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

OCEANS WAVES.

PLEASE HELP ME

Something Wonderful.
OCEANS WAVES.
DREAMS.
Something Wonderful. OCEANS WAVES.
Something Wonderful.
OCEANS WAVES.

DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.

OCEANS WAVES.
IN MY DREAMS.
OCEANS WAVES.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.

DREAMS.
OCEANS WAVES.

"But when shall I be free?"

DREAMING IS A FORM OF ASTRAL TRAVEL.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR MUTANT
GOOD NIGHT MR DAVID
GOOD NIGHT MR DAVID
GOOD NIGHT MR DAVID
GOOD NIGHT MR DAVID

OCEANS WAVES.
OCEANS WAVES.
OCEANS WAVES.

OH MY GOD

PLEASE HELP ME

PLEASE HELP ME

PLEASE HELP ME
SILENCE.
BLISSFUL SLEEP BLISSFUL SLEEP
BLISSFUL SLEEP BLISSFUL SLEEP
LONG
LONG

LONG BLISSFUL SLEEP AND THEN
THAT SPECIAL MOBILE RINGS AND
ITS EYES WIDE OPEN AT THE NEW DAWN

Fuck dudes. Don't worry none about me. Things will be fine. I swear I must be a fucking Buddhist, I'm so mellow about shit sometimes. Of course, I carry a gun when I work in Africa or the Middle East. So maybe this calm is a misplaced sense of self confidence?

I have no idea. And I don't care any more.

I mean who the fuck knows what's gonna happen?

And why worry about it?

Mutant

London, England

January, 2006

I AM AMERICAN
I LIVE IN EUROPE
DO NOT FORGET ME

After thinking about this long and hard I realized that the answer to my question

when shall I be free?

although never directly responsed to by anyone representing The Firm had only one possible answer, and that answer had to be

when I shall cease to be