Why can't men buy tampons?

I can never set foot in my local drugstore again!!!
I would like to think of myself as a sensitive and open-minded male. I have many female friends (just friends, nothing else, I'm a nice guy, I just tend to get along better with ladies). I was dubbed, by these friends, "Tampon Boy." As in, "Hey Tampon Boy! Go grab me some Kotex." You see, thinking I was just being nice and doing a favor, I ran out and got a friend of mine tampons when she needed them. This seemed to start a trend. Very soon after, all my female friends were sending me out on tampon runs!

Now, initially, I had no problem whatever with going and buying a good friend her tampons. Didn't think twice about it. I'm sure the store clerks didn't either. Perhaps they thought, "Must be for his mother," or something along those lines. But when you're going to the drugstore to buy tampons several times a week, people start to notice in a small town such as the one I lived in. I would walk in and I would see the clerks shooting each other knowing glances as if to say, "Oh, here comes TAMPON BOY!!!" As I made my purchases, I could feel the tension hanging in the air like a bitter sausage and I knew it was just a matter of time before one would finally break down, their curiosity reaching a pinnacle, and they would ask in front of the entire store, "What in the hell do you do with these???" I reached a point where I could not take this humiliation any longer and have since thrown down the gauntlet.
This is why I do not buy tampons.

I was actually just making a joke about this (In The Musical Tampon Effect). Every girlfriend that I have had for any considerable length of time has sent me off to the market to pick up pads and or tampons for them. Upon my return, no matter how many times I've done it before, they are smiling and giddy about the whole thing.

I even had a girlfriend once who used to tell people about it at fucking parties.

Come one come all; SEE thee fantaastic and amazing, moJoe, the Wonder Pooch! He will fetch yoah tampons and other female type nether-region accessories! Step right up!

I sat tight lipped, clutching my beer as I was transformed into Jo Jo the Dog Faced Boy right before everyone's eyes. The reason for all the jaw dropped, pie-hole gaping amazement is apparently that most men cannot or will not even attempt to carry out this arduous task under any circumstances. Idiots.

I must inform the women in the audience that, should you obtain the services of a man who will buy you tampons and face the stares and gasps of other store patrons and even clerks -- Who think that you are going to what; take them home and stick them in your ass? I mean, I have actually had a clerk giggle at me and wiggle the box of "Light Days" Tampax tampons luridly in my direction.

ahem...
At any rate... I digress; as I was saying, if you do obtain the services of such a man, don't giggle, don't gape, don't thank him profusely as if he had saved your triplets from a burning wreck and lost 80% of his flesh to the apocalyptic inferno and under no circumstances are you to ever tote him around at parties like some sort of new-age-sensitive-guy-party-favor. Just say thank you, head for the bathroom and take care of your business.

Ok. I have no problems buying this sort of thing for my girlfriend. Whatever.

As long as they are as specific as possible.

Do you realize how many different kinds of pads, tampons, pantyliners, there are at a place like walmart? For the love of god.

One time my mom sent my dad and i on a holy quest to get her some sort of something, pads, tampons, it's all a blur. We tryed asking her what she wanted. She was vague to say the least. Well we figured, "no problem, how many cany there be?" Big mistake. We came back dazed and confused from the sheer amount of different kinds. Needless to say she wasn't the least bit pleased.

Oh well. People know i don't give a damn about what they think about me. Just about every girl-friend i know will talk to me about their period, or ask me to get them tampons, or whatever. Who Cares.

We're talking about goods with a target market strongly saturated with women. It is therefore a given that there will be at least 65535 permutations of product variables, for each brand.

Your dad didn't want to (attempt to) buy you tampons from the store because it would probably take less time for him to extract raw iron ore from your backyard and build a tampon-making machine for you, with his bare hands, than it would for you to describe exactly what you want.

Given his quickly fading memory, the probability of him remembering your detailed instructions is low. This combined with the possibility of an embarrasment factor, and the thoughts of deadly force which will surely be exerted when he inevetably returns with the wrong product, probably quickly led him to make up his mind and not take on this challenge.

"So was that Tampax tripple nibbed with ribbed applicator and streamlined profile for fast insertion in a blue sky textured attractive 10 pack with a moon on the reverse side? Is the heavy flow option mutually exclusive to the 7 days of the week night and day Poisson Distribution statistically modelled flow variance with picasso box art? Would you like fries with that?"