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I woke up in my room in the children's ward at the hospital. I was 16 years old, and even though I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, the hospital bastards put me in the children's ward where I couldn't smoke. In order to smoke I'd have to go down the hallway to the adult's ward and sit in the visitor's room.

I was still groggy from the general anesthetic, but I was jonesing for a smoke. I rang the nurse call button. When she arrived I told her with slurred speech: "I gotta take a pee really bad. Then I'm going down the hall to smoke."

"Well," the nurse said, "Why don't you sit on the edge of the bed for a while and see how you feel first?"

"Argle farble!" I replied, or something equally incomprehensible. I pushed the nosey nurse aside and got up, immediately heading for the bathroom, which was about 2 feet from my bed. I went in and shut the door.

I discovered that I was wearing one of those hospital gowns with the slit up the back, and no underwear. Standing in front of the toilet bowl, I did what any guy would do. I lifted up my "dress" and let myself go.

Around that time that I noticed that the bathroom had one of those fans you can't turn off without turning off the light. It was annoying to say the least. And this one was particularly annoying because it was somehow getting louder and louder as I stood there peeing. I looked around, trying to figure out what was going on when suddenly it hit me: the sound was in my head.

I fell over backwards and hit the wall, then slumped down into the corner. My eyes were still open and I could see what was going on, but I couldn't move. My entire body was frozen, I couldn't even move my eyes. What I saw was this: the nurse and my mother opened the door to see what the noise was, and they both burst out laughing at the same time.

Having no physical control over my body, I was still peeing. Only it was like an out of control firehose, flopping about all willy-nilly spraying urine straight up in the air and all over myself.

I never did get to enjoy that cigarette.

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