dear me,

dear me? you've lost your way again, in this the seventh month of the 18th year of your seemingly monotonous (though it is anything but) life, glorious amazing life that was given to you by those who would hold you down now. it's not their fault, they'd rather you do for yourself but you've not the feeling that living for ones self is a good idea.

i am jaded. i am confused. i am. i breathe.

i breathe because it tells me to. i love because it tells me to. i die a little more everyday because it doesn't tell me how to handle the things it tells me to do. my brain. i'd place it in a jar, set it on a shelf if i thought that might be useful in any way. would the hurt remain, the hurt that causes the pain in my stomach and.. if i can't think, will i still feel?

compassion. you're all about compassion and you long for nothing more from those around you, but you feel guilty when it's given to you. stop complaining, you tell yourself daily, stop whining stop plaguing little humans with your trivial problems. this world is bigger than you, than any of us. you don't understand. stop it.

you are fine. you do not need him. you do not need love. you want love. embrace it. you love him right now, perhaps not forever. live for now. that's what you always say to me when things get rough.

i once sat beneath a tree and kissed a boy, my first kiss. soft and sweet, it could have been a scene from a movie. it felt rehearsed, it was constructed and planned meticulously.

you lie. you lie to protect yourself while convincing yourself it is for them. it is for you. the world will not revolve around you, but your world will revolve around the one.

soul mate. i feel like i'm in check. chess metaphors are lame. stop it.

good mother
              "i've got money in my pocket,
               i like the colour of my hair
               i've got a friend who loves me..

               i've got a good mother and 
               her voice is what keeps me here
               feet on ground, heart in hand
               facing forward, be yourself."
who are you? you ask yourself all the time but you know there is no real answer. you are many people. this is good. be what you want, always.

forever be the only person who can completely understand everything and yet nothing about yourself. you are stronger than those who would try to break you. (end motivational peptalk). self help only works for those who already have support from others. (maybe). fence sitting isn't good, your tenth grade english teacher told you that. what does she know? you can see the view from both sides from here. give it time. you'll decide which side is best, if any, later. procrastination.. stop it.

in ten years, they asked you, where you would want to be. you told them you would like to be floating around in the universe enamoured with just being. you meant it.

just be. be for them.. fix the broken little humans that you can. don't lie to yourself. (feel free to hide yourself from those who do not deserve to know you.) being guarded will help, you are too trusting. those who are trusting are often hurt. hurt seems to be the theme of your life. try your best not to hurt others. if you must, be there to comfort them afterwards. no one can hurt you unless you let them. so, stop it.

don't do anything i wouldn't do. he-he.. you have always been one to joke around. never take yourself too seriously.

i love you, me. don't be judgemental.

- jan

ps: you wrote this because you wanted to remind your older self of the way you used to think. also you thought that maybe there were some things you'd forget in time if you didn't write them down. you've always been like that. seriously. you just realized this might turn into that which one might dub a 'getting to know you node'. d'oh. (you loved the simpson's).

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