You were my plans tonight

I had told you that, in so many words. I said it with a hint of sadness, as if I'd already given up that you cared. I do that, I tell people not to feel bad when I feel they have let me down, even if they didn't know I was expecting something because I don't always say what I'm thinking, and that gets me in more trouble than I thought it would.

Then your reply. You were my plans tonight. On the machine, tinny and quiet, the way your voice always is. How often I press my ear as far into the phone to hear you speak, even when it's just breathing.

It makes me want to sleep with my eyes wide open
Just so there's nothing of you that I won't miss
Tina and the B Side Movement

You were my plans tonight. I’m all dressed up and have nowhere to go. Last night you said "I would love to come to your house tomorrow," for the first time no less. What am I, a fool for you? We’re just dating, no- just tenderly fucking each other, no commitment. Except words.

Last night, you called me up at 12:30 at night, I was asleep, you’d been to several Happy Hours and yet you convinced ME to come to YOU, as always, to give "me" a backrub. Well yeah three minutes worth, and when that was over, you wanted a massage, and when I was done, you fell asleep. And I was mad, I'd fallen for your line once again and felt just slightly used. I left you sleeping naked on your hardwood floor.

I’m not asking for a big love affair, but maybe a declaration that I am your girlfriend? God I hate this, reacting like such a typical girl. So I’ve been waiting for you since five p.m., and it’s after ten. How many times have I called you tonight? And I feel like crying, and maybe it’s just my sore throat playing tricks on me...but I want more, from you. I don’t want to be your last thought of the night, if it’s only because you’re feeling horny and I’m the only giving it up. I don’t want love, I don’t think I could love you anyway, but the night of our fight, I had said that I wanted your respect. And obviously I don’t have it. "Oh sorry, I forgot" doesn’t cut it for me. Why am I crying?!

This is so stupid. All dressed up and nowhere to go, I could hate you for that...but that’s not like me. You’ll apologize, and I’ll accept because I’m desperate for some male attention. I need constant validation that I am pretty and lovable and sexy and a good person. God, my throat hurts so much! It just seems like you can never give something from the pureness of your heart, you have to have something in return.

You were my plans tonight, and I’m angry.

this was written in a fit of angry stream of consciousness