Of course it's
too late, I always think of
these things when it's too late, but I am
going to say it now so you can hear it once, from
me, hear the way I choose to present it and decide
for yourself, hear what I have to say now that there's
only
forward movement. You need to listen now, carefully.
You were never going to become more than this to me,
never anything more than anyone else. This is the the
biggest lie I have ever told myself, although not
the first, and not the first time I told it. In this
(only) you are not unique. I know myself, I like
to pretend I know myself, and this is my favorite lie.
You will not mean anything to me in the end.
This I remembered to tell you, it is okay, it is a lie. We agree on this point, it is okay. But I forgot to tell you the rest: Before that end, you will be the person I call home.
I am the type of person who only has one home at a time,
and this is how you will mean nothing to me, here, this is the lie. You may know this but I have to say it, need to tell you for myself, because I lie a lot and when I say I'll be okay, I think I mean that I'll be okay because I will have to
be okay.
In the end, you will mean just this much to me,
more than you were supposed to, and I will linger. Push
me away. I will probably get mad at you), but still: I save my rage for people who mean something. I will
not tell you, (not if I can help it), you
will not know that it hurts me. Instead I will smile and
thank you for the reminder. In the end you will mean
enough to me that you will be another person I need
to lie to.