TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
Tauruses (er, Tauri?) should be especially wary of any and all children living in their towns this week, especially if there's sharp, metal tools in abundance and there's corn fields in said town. There's a good possibility that the children will rebel and begin slaughtering all the adults! Don't ground - or, worse, spank - your kids this week for they may grab the nearest machete and lop your head off! Or, worse, split open your gut and let your viscera spill onto your feet and the floor below (which would suck even more so if you'd just purchased new shoes, like maybe that five hundred dollar pair of Air Jordans). Or they could even do worse than that... sign you up for Amway!
GEMINI
May 21 - June 21
This week the constellation Boypheses - the ancient Greek boy warrior - is bright and visible in the Eastern sky, which could indicate that you will be encountering a very unusual boy. You meet this little ten-year-old while on the road and he is so adorable that you decide to give him a ride back to his house. When you go inside his house to meet his "family" you will get suspicious that something about them just isn't right. Maybe it's the way they're falling over themselves to please the boy. Maybe it's how they're constantly smiling, fake grins that could be trying to cover up an intense fear of something. You think it's quite unusual that his older brother - who looks strikingly like Keanu Reeves - does nothing but sit and watch crappy old TV shows alone in a room except for a strange guy in a dark suit who keeps calling him "Mr. Anderson." And he has no mouth. Pretty soon the perfect little visit turns horribly wrong when the boy's "father" fesses up that everybody in the house is not the boy's family, that he has them prisoners and he urges you to get out while you still can. You find out how he's holding them prisoner when he displays magical god-like powers, that he can alter reality with his imagination. He puts the man he'd claimed was his father into the television where he is killed by a CGI dinosaur on one of those National Geographic specials. Then the dino takes a CGI shit. Well that part's not really important. The important part is that if you don't convince this boy that what he's doing is wrong he'll do something horrifying to you - stick you in the TV, too, where you'll end up on Fox's newest reality TV show -"Eight Losers in a House with No Food."
CANCER
June 22 - July 22
Do you like the opera? Well, if you're a Cancer, and you're a woman this week, you may meet a very mysterious fellow at the opera if you should attend one. His name is Erik and you will learn that he is a composer for the opera and that he's a little deranged and wears a mask to cover his face. The way Mercury and Mars line up this week is supposed to make Cancers more susceptible to fall in love or something so despite the fact that this guy is a total freak you may fall in love with him. However, that love may be brought to an abrupt end when you unmask Erik! You may scream as you look upon his lipless, skull-like, disfigured face! What? Doesn't sound very scary? Well, at least that was scary in the 1920's. The scariest thing will be the lawsuit he brings against the opera house after he is terminated when you unmask him because the Americans With Disfigurements Act explicitly bans firing anybody just because they have an ugly face. Tori Spelling brought a similar lawsuit against her father in 1990.
LEO
July 23 - August 22
Going to be flying this week? If so, beware! Especially if it's going to be raining while you're flying. And yes, on a plane, not that wings are going to painfully sprout from the tender flesh of your back, (although that would be pretty cool). While up in the air, while looking through the rain-streaked window next to your seat, you will notice a vile little creature on the wing messing with the plane's engine. You will try to tell the flight attendants, the pilot, but nobody will believe you. The creature will continue to taunt you, exacerbate your already existing fear of flying. If you don't already have one you will develop one. When you can't take it anymore you will begin yelling to the crew, pleading with them that they take you seriously and land the plane. At that point a U.S. air marshall may draw his weapon and empty a round or two into you, killing you instantly. The next day all the liberals in the media will demonize the air marshal and all the conservative talk show hosts will praise him for doing his job.
VIRGO
August 23 - September 22
This week you may be informed by your doctor that there's a new drug out there for depression, even better than valium! You will go get a prescription for that drug filled forthwith! However, this drug will have a very unusual effect on your psyche. It will cause you to develop a split personality disorder! That's right, your normal, reasonable mind will begin running parallel to the mind of a madman! When you take the drug your appearance will mutate into a vile little person that will go by Mr/Mrs. Hyde-Pierce! You will go around meekly, speaking small and quickly, become a big pushover and spend large amounts of time making references to people and things of high culture and drinking lattes in coffee shops with your pinky fingers extended. And this alter ego of yours will never be seen not dressed in some sort of business attire. There is a very strong chance that you will be gunned down in a carjacking incident where your Mr/Mrs. Hyde-Pierce will inform the carjacker what a "brutish thug" he is and try to bitch slap him.
LIBRA
September 23 - October 22
This week your entire town will be ravaged by thousands of mutant, vicious little white rabbits that will slowly eat everybody, including yourself... Um, yeah, that's it. Sorry, the details are just too horrible, even for a horrorscope. No, you don't get a refund, these are free to begin with! Sheesh!
SCORPIO
October 23 - November 21
The crazy energy in the universe this week will stir your scientific mind and you will develop a serum that, once drank, will turn you invisible! That's right, nobody will be able to see you! Well, provided you don't have any clothes on. Yes, for it to work for you completely you have to put aside a little modesty. Anyway, at first it will be exciting. You can do things like walk out of stores without paying for stuff and sneak peeks into bathrooms, dressing rooms, locker rooms to see people changing! You may even catch a glimpse of Elizabeth Shue, or Kevin Bacon, or even Chevy Chase in the buff! Or perhaps even Gloria Stuart (ew!) But things take a frightening turn when the invisibility makes you go crazy and go on a murdering/raping rampage throughout your town! Eventually you will become a raving lunatic if you cannot find a way to become visible again, forcing all of your neighbors to band against you and somehow kill you. You may want to stop wrapping gauze around your face and wearing a pair of sunglasses so they can see you, dumbass!
SAGITTARIUS
November 22 - December 21
This week, after almost a whole year of not-knowing, you discover that your floor in your dormitory has an ice machine! You are annoyed that you'd went all year having to buy ice at the local QT or go to other floors, but you are also very happy. However, when you go to withdraw ice from it, you find out that it's bloody ice! After you scream like a little girl - and hope that nobody had heard you - you may decide to investigate. Be forewarned if you do, because you may discover something quite grizzly, like some poor bastard had been killed and chopped up into pieces and shoved into the machine!
CAPRICORN
December 22 - January 19
The adventurous spirit inside of you will become restless, prompting you to make a journey to an island paradise you'd heard about in a TV infomercial featuring the late Marlon Brando and Val Kilmer. It's expensive to visit which is why you must max out all of your credit cards but it will appear to have been worth it as you gaze upon the majestic scenery upon arriving: a crystal clear blue lagoon, towering, sparkling waterfalls, rich foliage and intriguing animal sounds. It is called the Island of Dr. Thoreau. The name isn't very catchy, even a little prosaic, but it is an island, and run by a reclusive doctor named Thoreau who has strange philosophies about getting back to nature and other crap like that. Anyway, you will enjoy your stay until you see a puma that looks kind of like... Val Kilmer! Then you'll see an ostrich with the head of a little girl that looks sort of like Dakota Fanning! It will begin screaming very shrilly when it sees you so you'll run as far away as possible, but you'll be stopped dead in your tracks as you come across a hippopotamus that looks kind of like Wilford Brimely! It will try to sell you diabetes testing supplies and make you eat some oatmeal. The sight is so horrific that you faint. When you come to, Dr. Thoreau will be hovering above you, ranting about how he cannot let you live now that you've seen the horrible secret animal-human hybrid experiments on his island. While tied down spread eagle on a big wooden table you'll look on in horror as some of the animal-people, which you quickly nickname "aneoples" for fun, approach you drooling in hunger. As they being to devour you, when not distracted by the searing pain, you may realize that that ostrich was actually kind of cute, and then feel guilty about it.
AQUARIUS
January 20 - February 18
The energies in the universe this week will take you far and away. No this has nothing to do with Nicole Kidman or Tom Cruise - consider yourself lucky. You will find yourself going on that expedition to the Amazon River that you'd been wanting to take for so long. Be careful, though, because you will be studying the fabled Black Lagoon... and a fish-human hybrid creature!! If you're a female you will be the one whom it captures and brings back to its lair to have little fishpeople with. You're the lucky one. If you're a guy there is a good possibility that he will eat you. He is psychic so the more Captain D's you eat, the more likely that this will occur! But, yes, if you are a woman, he will wait until he does you fishy style and you lay the biggest pile of caviar you've ever seen before he'll eat you. Bon appetite! Crack open a Bud Lite! We salute you, Mr. Black Lagoon Dweller Distressed Damsel Impregnator!
PISCES
February 19 - March 20
This week the crazy energies of the universe will make you nervous, uneasy and restless. The stress and harshness of ubran living will urge you to move you and your entire family to live and work in a big hotel in the mountains of Colorado. You figure it's a good place to get some peace and quiet, maybe work on that novel you've been kicking around in your head. When you arrive there will be nobody else there because it is the offseason. That's great at first but becomes somewhat disconcerting...especially when strange ghost... or demons... or... something... that haunt the hotel start telling you to take an axe and kill your whole family! One of your children (or your child if you only have one) will start displaying psychic abilities that an old fart caretaker at the hotel calls the "Shizznit." He'll go almost as wacky as you and start seeing ghosts and writing weird crap on the walls with his Crayolas. Weird backwards crap! He will keep saying the word "lick," and until you find out he's really saying "kill" backwards you think he's obsessed with eating lollipops! But you top him in craziness when you type over and over again at your computer "All work and no play make me wanna git up and boooogay!" and then chase after your spouse and child/children with an axe. But you only manage to kill the old fart and some poor unsuspecting Jehovah's Witness at the door before your family outsmarts you and kills you first.
ARIES
March 21 - April 19
If you live in Georgia, Aries, boy, do you have problems this week. You see, your state will be hosting a rather interesting individual this week. None other than the Devil is coming down to Georgia this week! And he's bringing an evil fiddle! Turns out he is a little behind and is looking for a soul to steal. He will most likely come upon you and notice your hot fiddle playin' skills. He will jump on a hickory stump and try to make you a deal. If you win a fiddling contest against him, you will get his golden fiddle. If you lose, you lose your soul to him! It looks bleak when the Devil begins playing, fire shooting from his fingertips. He plays a mean fiddle, but can you be better? You might boast that you're the best that's ever been, but when it comes time to show it, it would behoove you to indeed play better. As you play for some reason weird things start happening, like a chicken somehow got in the bread pin and started picking out dough and the Devil asks granny if her dog bites. With your superior violin skills you will win. Unfortunately the Devil will get really mad and eat you, then crap you out in your house. What? Were you expecting a happy ending? What does this look like, a country song or something?