carved soother

I was waiting by the tram stop right outside the office for my halfway home ride, when I saw a woman in her mid-thirties approaching, probably headed past me, to the bench. As usual, I employed my maneuver of taking out the cellphone and looking down at it, supposedly to check the time, hoping that this will buy me enough time to avoid meeting eyes. However, when I looked back up, she was looking at me and smiling. I thought "Maybe someone from the office". Next second, the smile was abruptly gone from her face, however, and she walked past me. I wondered if she thought I was somebody else, only to be met by my disgusting face. Then I remembered that was the phone I was holding was a Samsung-e1200.

Not long ago I was in one of many disguises I employ in my work as a small businessman. I am not that small but my business is and that needs to be made clear here before there is any trouble. My business involves beating the absolute shit out of sick and old people who are living off the government dole and costing taxpayers trillions of dollars every year. When I pounce, taking their medications for resale amongst people who will put them to recreational use, I profit and that is what matters.

The other day I was in my disguise as a woman in her 30s trying to catch the attention of non-working liberals living off the taxpayer. Until camps can be built to house and train these schlomos and drive them into the ground with sixteen hour workdays in a workplace where the managers are not held back by unnecessary safety and labor regulations we will have to settle for beating them half to death and throwing them in or around dumpsters. It is only fair and ethical (which I know because I am a fully tenured professor of ethics at a major for profit university). In this disguise I came upon this loser, known around town as the Carved Soother, carrying his stupid cell phone (which he bought off the government dole) and looking at me as if he deserved to have a date with anyone when not maintaining a proper work ethic. What was the Carved Soother doing walking around town in the middle of the day.

I have a reptilian arm because of experiments my father volunteered me for when he was a top official in the German government in the 1930s and 1940s when I was a boy of tender age. They shaved all my body hair off, bathed me in liquids, amputated my weak childlike human limbs, and replaced them with superpowered lizard arms and legs. For a while I was unstoppable and my father's friend Leah made some movies about me. Those were good times. Since then I have grown back all my lesser human limbs except for my right hand which remains of the reptitilian variety.

When I saw the Carved Soother and saw him with his pathetic Samsung e1200 cell phone I just glared at him. Why choose such a crappy phone if you are spending our hard earned taxpayer money while prancing about the city near the tram stop walking for some kind of halfway home ride. God help him because when I pounced, my lizard hand gliding down his throat, I grabbed his spine by the top and rippped it clean out of his body. As his body collapsed on the floor, I threw the bloody, useless non-working person spine at some grade school kids to teach them a lesson about respect and not living off the government dole.

Later on I was inspired to give a great lecture to my class on ethics and the non-working poor. It certainly turned some heads.