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As a faithful manager at Bath & Body Works, I sometimes wonder, what makes cucumber melon lotion so great? The smell isn't anything too spectacular, yet everyone buys the stuff up. Even Sarah Michelle Gellar comes into my store every month or so to pick up another bottle. I just don't get it. I guess that is one thing that does make working at a store in Los Angeles interesting. I get to see the innermost fragrance desires of the Hollywood elite. Curious about what smell makes Jennifer Love Hewitt swoon? It ain't Sun Ripened Raspberry, that's for sure. That's another smell I just do not understand. It's too goddamn sweet! ladies, PLEASE take hold of your senses and try something subtle...other than cucumber melon. The fragrance haunts me like Poe's Raven, following my every move and jumping into my nose without warning.

"Curses!" I shout, as yet another Melon junkie walks past. "Why must you torment me so?!?! WHY????" She could be anyone, maybe even you. Sometimes he's gotten into her stash and put it on his hands, making me shudder in horror as I catch the scent in my nostrils. It's everywhere, and there is no escape. My tortured soul can only handle so much more before one day I'll snap. She'll come up to the counter, her apple basket loaded with cucumber melon shower gel, cucumber melon body lotion, cucumber melon body splash, bubble bath, deodorant, ARRRRRRRGH!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

"Stop this insanity!" I'll scream as I hurl the basket into the air. "Find something new! Be original! Stop listening to Brittney Spears!"

Oh fuck it. It's lotion. I'll just take my bottle of Pearberry over to the corner and caress it gently, silently knowing that what we have is special, and not just some fad that everybody's doing because it smells cute.

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