Some people go out drinking; others go out drunking.

Drunking (as in "dude, we're going drunking! Come along!") is the act of going out specifically to get drunker than a radioactive skunk. It's reserved for those special people who have no illusions about having a drink or two and chatting with their bartender - most times, those few drinks turn into a half dozen anyway and you'll find yourself contemplating how much more kaleidoscopic the table would look from the underside, the stale gum spinning and pulsing in time with the music - it's much easier to just accept what's going to happen from the get go and have fun with it. It's much easier to make a fool out of yourself when you've accepted that it's going to happen anyway, gives you a chance to really enjoy your cheap vodka-induced hallucinations.

For one to really go drunking properly, one needs to find a bar/pub with extremely cheap beer, extremely loose women and extremely lascivious men - it makes it more memorable, not that you're going to remember it anyway. Ideally, you'll want to find a place where the bartenders will keep serving you after you've passed your limit and you've got nothing left in your pockets except a broken cigarette, a lighter that's out of fluid, a plastic-wrapped toothpick and (hopefully) cab fare. You're not trying to hook up with the blonde at the end of the bar, you're trying not to pass out face first into the free lunch - if you were out to get laid, you ain't goin' drunking - you're dating. Who has time for that?

It helps if the jukebox is filled with stuff you only know the choruses of so you can shout them whenever they come around. It's also a benefit if your bartender's name sounds like lots of other names so you can screw it up over and over again, ie: "Hey Iggy." "It's Ziggy, my friend." "Whatever Twiggy, canihaveanotherplease?"

There need to be attractive people to ogle in a borderline illegal manner and a pool table to interfere with (and pool cues for makeshift weapons - ain't a bar fight without pool cues). You WILL NOT have sex on the pool table. You'll think you will after the seventh or eighth round, but trust me. It doesn't happen.

You don't want to deal with amateur nights if you can help it - go out on, say, Tuesday to avoid the pretenders.

To go drunking properly you also need to fully accept the hangover you're going to have in the morning - it doesn't loom on the horizon so much if it's not a total surprise.

All that said, drunking can be fun. Do it in groups so that the most sober of you can shepherd the rest somewhere safe come last call, try not to kill anybody (or yourself) and you'll be fine. Just don't blame me if you get arrested trying to break into some random car claiming it looks like an awesome place to take a nap. Be safe, be merry and don't die - you'll be fine in a few days.

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