Father.
Totally out of the blue
Out of the black spaces in between
memory of heartache moments
hope that was terror that was fear
inside of me
Comes your voice, with a warmth or familiarity
That makes me want to
cry confront call out
makeyoupay|hurtyoufirst|runtoyouandfromyou|buildawall
with a rope ladder
and keep a match in my hand.
I pretend that this is normal
That I can talk to you in some normal person way
My heart races.
Mouth dry; cigarette lit
Words fall out of my mouth, stumble over lips.
I'm defensive. We both try to sound soft
Voices grate with the effort.
We spar
Or at least, I do, with myself
Will you? Won't you? Will you won't don't will no won't you will...
I don't. Once it's over, I realize I didn't
But we're on the wire.
So much high voltage emotion is running through me
I feel my seams nearly split.
I'm so afraid. Can't even process all the what ifs.
I will not swallow my pride or principles.
I'm fragile.
Nothing but moth wings in your hand
But I can't have you know this.
Conflicting impulses: vent like an undersea volcano
scar you with steam and magma
or, swim forward like you're an island
collapse salt-caked onto you
How do I take this power away from you?
the meaning from the word
form from function
fear from "father"...
I am proud and wronged and indignant
But like a child fallen down stairs
I want to show you every place you scraped me
Like an architect
I want you to admire the structural soundness
Of the walls I put up against you.
I want to spread out my life before you like
Slow motion footage of a car crash
Where you sent me careening
Every time we intersected.
Betrayal.
Your stories, webs, entangle me
Making you more character than man to me
And I have antagonists. The list is full.
I go to tell you this
the dial tone intercedes
and I can breathe again.