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Much like a pie in the face the act of glitter bombing an individual has become a sort of political statement. However, unlike a pie to the face which is reserved for assholes and dickheads of all creeds and colors, glitter bombing is reserved for individuals who publicly oppose same-sex marriage and other transgender issues.

The following is list of the more prominent individuals who have been glitter bombed in one form or another.

Newt Gingrich

The event occurred on May 17, 2011 in Minneapolis, Minnesota at a book signing where Newt and his wife Callista were pimping his latest effort. The perpetrator, one Nick Espinosa showered them with a full box of glitter while shouting “Stop the hate! Feel the rainbow!" (Does Skittles know about this?)

Tim Pawlenty

The former Minnesota governor and Republican presidential candidate was nailed in San Francisco, California on June 16, 2011. He was also attending a book signing with his wife when he was hit by a couple of members of the anti-war group known as CODEPINK. In addition to being assaulted by a stream of glitter, they were also covered in a slew of pink feathers.

Michele Bachmann

Bachmann, a member of the United States House of Representatives and frequent talking head on Fox News also hails from Minnesota and the event occurred in where else? Minneapolis. She was glitter bombed by one Rachel E.B. Lang who drew her inspiration based on Bachmann’s religious views and opposition to LGBT concerns.

Karl Rove

The former Bush Administration guru and now Fox News political pundit was nailed at a book signing in Bloomington, Minnesota on October 7, 2011 by one Ben Egerman. He declined to press any charges.

Erik Paulson

Paulson, A Republican Congressman from (where else?) Minnesota was receiving an award from a group known as “Friends of the Family” in Bloomington when he was covered in glitter by one Michael Cahil. Cahil shouted “You’re no friend to my family!” at the time of the attack which occurred on the same day as the Karl Rove incident. It is unknown at this time if the attacks were coordinated or if they remain the work of individual glitter bombers.

Dan Savage

Raving lunatic and radio spokesperson/journalist/author Dan Savage was nailed twice within a span of a week or so. The first occurrence was in Eugene, Oregon by the so called “Dan Savage Welcoming Committee” at the University of Oregon. The second instance occurred eight days later on November 9, 2011 in Irvine, California while delivering a speech at the University of California. His third, and last known glitter bombing occurred on January 21, 2012 in Vancouver, British Columbia. He was attending the theater when he was beset upon by transgender supporters. His reported response was “Oh no! Not again!” Apparently even though Savage is a supporter of many gay issues he had recently made some comments that were interpreted by his assailors as "transphobic".

Randall Terry

This all around shithead was nailed in Goffstown, New Hampshire on December 19, 2011 while at a debate for the “lesser known presidential candidates”. Ironically, he was glitter bombed by another lesser known candidate by the name of Vermin Supreme. (Gotta love that name!). Supreme claimed he was motivated by Jesus who spoke to him and revealed that by glitter bombing Terry, the act would turn him gay. It should also be noted that Terry was also the recipient of a pie in the face making him the only individual at this time to have fallen victim to both kinds of attacks. Only in America folks.

Rick Santorum

Perhaps the king (or queen) of all glitter bombing victims known to mankind! Santorum, former Republican Senator from Pennsylvania and presidential candidate has been pelted with glitter on no less than five different occasions. (Maybe he’s starting to like it!). The first incident occurred in Charleston, South Carolina outside of his campaign headquarters by the members of the Occupy Charleston movement. Only a couple of days later he was glistened during a campaign stop in Lady Lake, Florida by unnamed agents within the gay and lesbian community. He had to travel all the way to Columbia, Missouri to receive his next glitter bathing on February 2, 2012 and then it was off to Tacoma, Washington on February 13, 2012 where reports are that he was covered in a “blizzard of glitter”. His last and final glitter bombing event was in the unlikely location of not so gay friendly Fargo, North Dakota on February 15, 2012 during a speech he was giving at a Holiday Inn. Reports filtered in that he had become immune to the attacks and proceeded to give his speech in its entirety, unfazed by the glitter surrounding him.

Mitt Romney

The former Republican Governor from Massachusetts and current Republican nominee for POTUS has been victimized twice by glitter wielding assassins. The first incident occurred in Eagan, Minnesota (again) on February 1, 2012 during a rally on his behalf. Apparently stunned by the incident Romney later declared he thought it was leftover confetti from his recent victory in the Florida primaries. Five days later after delivering a speech in Denver, Colorado Romney was set upon again although thanks to daring efforts by the Secret Service the attack was curtailed and rather than be covered in glitter Romney was able to escape with only a few flecks dotting his Brooks Brothers suit. The unnamed protestor was quickly escorted from the festivities and later charged with disturbing the peace.

Ron Paul

Yet another Republican presidential candidate was showered in that hotbed of glitter bombing known as Minneapolis, Minnesota on February 6, 2012. This time however the disturbance didn’t seem to involve gay, lesbian or transgender issues since the unnamed assailant was heard screaming “Housing and health care are human rights and not privileges!” At the time, spokespeople from the gay community declined to comment on the matter.

There you have it folks. My sources within the gay community assure me that these random attacks will continue until their demands for equality regarding marriage and social matters such as work place issues are resolved in their favor. Until then, anyone who opposes them might find themselves on the other end of a stream of glitter and feathers.

Oh, the humanity!



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