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Her eyes can't find you at first, or don't, at least, and for a moment you are happy. Maybe you haven't said all those horrible things, maybe you have been given a chance to reconsider before you ruin everything. Maybe you came back to her in the end, and nothing of the last few months matter. Maybe even the last few minutes could have never happened, as long as she never looks at you.

It no longer matters that you have been beating yourself senseless against her pride, and that stupid, stupid stubborness of yours has not caused you to lash out in the only way you could think of and the only way open for you, it doesn't matter that you went to that other her, that other woman who seemed so much like yourself, but different, with the sun in her hair and the sea in her eyes like you had once and like you promised both of them would never go away from you.

When she will look at you again you will see the tears in her eyes, but until she does there is still a chance nothing of it ever happened, you never broke her trust, you never pulled the floor from underneath her feet.

If only she had apologised. You can't remember what for or think of what she should have said, but none of this would have ever happened if she hadn't been so unwilling to ever admit she could ever be wrong. You would not even have noticed the other one, for all the sunlight and the seaward pull, you would have staid safe within her gaze, would never have longed for other arms around you and other voices in your ears.

Even now, everything could be perfectly fine, if she just managed to accept all you have just told her, and not just the stupid, insensitive parts. Not just the parts that she was always sure to focus on, no matter how much other things you talked about, no matter how you tried to hide it in a flood of words and sounds and brass cymbals. If she just managed to overlook the fact you are not to be trusted, can't be trusted, ever. If she could just see through you in your new transparency, could just see all that you have laid at her feet.

Or better yet, if she never looks at you. If her eyes never find you. Nothing happened, nothing has to change.
If she could just manage never to catch your eyes.

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