I am not your fucking Employee of the Month

I work in a kitchen. Usually I'm happy with the company because my performance reviews are good, and I work the graveyard shift when management is rarely around. Management, however, would like to us to remember that, while it can't keep an eye on us every second, it considers us responsible for keeping an eye on ourselves. I'm not sure about the proper procedure for reporting my many infractions of the following expectations, but I've included my comments so that appropriate disciplinary action can be taken concerning my attitude.

What will make You eligible for the "Employee of the Month"?

• Being in uniform in your station when you are scheduled. We are paying you to work; we are not paying you to prepare for work. Please put on our silly uniform before clocking in. If your private life were worth anything, wouldn't you be getting paid for it?
• A professional and positive attitude towards everything and everyone in the restaurant. I'll be with you in a moment--I'm just waiting for the happy pills to kick in.
• A constant effort to exceed the Guests expectations. Well if it's gonna be THAT kinda party, then I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!
• Taste all the food before you serve it or put it away. Quit complaining; the company health plan covers heart by-pass surgery.
• Assisting other employees when they need help. They shoot horses, don't they?
• Keeping the kitchen clean and organized at all times, including kitchen floor, walk-ins, employee locker room and storage areas. Those scrub-brushes strapped to your shoes ought to help.
• Completing your tasks within reasonable time. "Reasonable time" will be flexibly defined as "before a manager gives you another task".
• Staying focused on your job. Try not to think about the money.
• Having the proper tools in proper condition to do your job. Improvising knifes from sharpened toothbrush handles is unacceptable. A garden trowel is not a spatula.
• Not wasting food. Respecting the product. Employees are expected to know how to disguise grey fuzz growing on vegetables, and not allow it to come into contact with the green fuzz growing on the meat.
• Taking responsibility for your station and make sure that all products are fresh and prepared properly. Checking par levels and needs beginning of shift. Replace missing articles, prepositions and dependent clauses as needed.
• Proper rotation of food. FIFO, First In-First Out. It will not be necessary, however, to "shake it all about".
• Communicating personal needs to Chef in a timely manner. Chef will be delighted to satisfy your "personal needs".
• Always asking the Chef or fellow employee for help or advice when you are doing something that you are unsure of or have never made before. We'll discuss some of the answers you gave on your job application later.
• Labeling and dating all products. A ballpoint pen will write on lettuce if you press hard enough.
• Always remove old tape from containers before giving to dishwashers. Because if they could understand what we're implying about them here--or even read it--would they be washing dishes for a living?
• Cooperating with and respecting the work of all other departments. ...especially the ones that prepare your employee meal.
• Reporting any broken or unsafe machinery. We'll buy a replacement when it's approved at the next quarterly budget meeting. Did you know that you can make a knife by sharpening a toothbrush handle on a concrete floor?
• Putting things back where they belong. This includes all unfinished Guest meals.

Why would I want to be? To commend the fact that I am, for this arbitrary length of time, the "best" polo shirt wearing degenerate within the branch? Because let's face it, none of us are special. Every single one of us is replaceable within a week, and if you think anyone would care to see you go you're sorely mistaken.

"Look after yourself first, because there ain't a company in the world that treats it's people right". That's one of the only bits of true meaningful advice I've ever been given.

So no, I am not your fucking employee of the month. When they say jump, I don't ask how high, I ask "Were you made aware that I have a back problem that could be aggravated by that?" When I'm asked to do something immoral, unsafe, or illegal, you'd better believe I notarize that shit, because it ain't coming back on me. I am not paid enough to commit your acts of fraud. I am not paid enough to help shops evade their taxes. I am not paid enough to allow an Asian man to launder money.

I am not your fucking employee of the month. Employees of the month don't sit on freezer units and openly discuss striking, and they don't have the number for HR saved into their phones under Dominos.

I am not your fucking employee of the month, but when management exists only to demean, threaten, and bully, who is?

I'm making an official complaint about my workplace this evening