You have to know.
You don't just want to know.
You absolutely have to know.

Will there ever be peace in our time? The insanely curious want to know. Exactly what kind of cheese are they using to produce that divine chicken dish? The insanely curious have to know. They will break into houses, look through your wallet, hide in the bushes, and do just about anything to get the answers to questions that they cannot sleep without knowing.

Look, if a gossip queen were to open a convenience store
the insanely curious would be their best customers.
The insanely curious aren't that sold on facts.
They just want someone to fill in the blanks for them.

What else do we know about the insanely curious? Do they dance? Do they enjoy animated films with no plot? Do they often reflect upon the autumn harvest? There is no real pattern there. Some do and some don't. However, if you mention any of these concepts to them, they will grab your shirt sleeve and demand more information. They usually will not release that shirt sleeve until they have the information they desire. They won't eat, sleep, or function in any way until they have that information.

Actually, they don't dance much.
Or at least well.
On the dance floor they spent most of their time watching other people.

Factoid from Hell: The insanely curious want to visit down here because they have to know what it is like. However, they do want a get out of jail free card. Now, that should tell you something about their chemical experiences upstairs.

How to Identify. Perhaps you are interviewing someone for a job opening in your company and you are concerned that they might be insanely curious. What steps can be taken to determine if they indeed are? First, pay close attention to the questions they ask. Are they asking questions that go beyond the realm of recruiter training (you know, those questions we know you ask just because you were told it was the right thing to do). Are they asking things about your personal life, such as how long you've been with the company, what kind of car you drive, who your favorite sports team is, how many times you've gotten your pantyhose caught in the photocopier? This person could very well be insanely curious.

Well, maybe they were just nervous and weren't sure what to say, but they have learned in ridiculous job hunting seminars that you should always avoid having dead air in an interview. What is the next step in determining the person's classification? Your best bet is to dangle little bits of information in front of them and see if they bite. In modern medical terminology this is known as "baitin' up that there fish hook." We will abbreviate this term from this point on so as to not seem elitist with the overuse of such jargon.

Baiting the hook. Whether you are a prospective employer, a potential friend, or a probable lover, you must determine whether this person you are considered entangling yourself with is insanely curious. There is no element to another person that is as important. You need to know if they have prying eyes, questioning lips and needlessly busy hands. Will they read your diary? Will they take your My Little Pony out of its case and check to see if you've been brushing its hair? Will they follow you when you go to the orphanage to play checkers with the children? This questions must be answered before you ensnare yourself in a long term plan where this person has ample access to your life's secrets.

Pulling aside their veil of secrecy and deceit and bad behavior. This is the only way to keep insanely curious people out of your life, and can help you eventually learn to keep all people out of your life. You must push them to their limits, to their breaking point, and give them no way out other than by exposing their every weakness. Bait the hook and see if they pry deeper into your life with questions. Bring up the passing of a relative during a dinner date. Does your date ask questions about the relative? She or he may be insanely curious and you need to consider yelping for the check immediately. Tell them that you expect stunned silence whenever you speak and if they don't get the point you will not buy another round. That'll learn the insanely curious bastards.

Okay, in polite society some questions are okay, such as "how are you?" and "what do you think about the weather?" However, when people start asking about what you did last night you need to become wary.

Okay, beyond paranoia, which is something I wish everyone would openly embrace (it is so calming when you let it in), there are real issues with the insanely curious. They do pry and they do invade your privacy. In addition, when they can't find information, or when the information is not juicy enough for them, they will invent information. When you don't show up for a high school reunion, the insanely curious automatically tell everyone you've been engaging in unsavory sexual activity with railroad hobos and lentils. Whenever you aren't around, the insanely curious jump at the chance to be "helpful" by providing information they have unearthed and mistranslated. If you work in an office with an insanely curious person, they will go through your trash, and when they are short on time they could mistake a lollypop wrapper for a condom wrapper or a package of dental floss for birth control pills. What do you think they'll be telling their insanely curious friends at lunch? Especially after they overhear you laughing with Big Bill from the receiving department? Be aware. Be very aware.

If you don't tell the insanely curious
something about your life
that is at least vaguely interesting
they will find other sources.

They read the bathroom walls.
They call those phone numbers that say "for a good time call"
because they need to know who will answer the phone.
They will believe everything they hear.
They depend on the satiating feeling only information provides.

Let us get one thing straight. I am not telling you that you should pass out questionnaires and personality tests to everyone you meet, but it wouldn't be a bad idea. However, in the modern social climate, someone is eventually going to stand up for the rights of the insanely curious. You will be left out in the cold bound by law to embrace them and welcome them into the inner sanctum of your life. You must move quietly and keep a low profile when exposing these rampant consumers of personal information.

Did you hear that?
No, not that.
That sound.
They are coming.
They are already here.

Nothing can be stopped. Everything goes on. Protect yourself. Protect your family. The insanely curious will stop at nothing to know everything they can about anything that interests them. Stay low. Let them pass. Point out more interesting people and situations and then go about your business quietly. It is the only way. It is the only way you'll make it through another day.

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