Kefir is like yogurt or sour cream except that it is not. It is the result of a weird cauliflower brain thing fungus or somesuch having been put into soured milk. It floats. But it tastes great! Yay! You can drink it!

It was tiny when you first got it. But it eats and shits and grows! Ack! It will soon outgrow its bottle...

In self-defense you strike out at it. It breaks. But all of those little pieces are still alive. So now you have to find new homes for them. So you go from door to door, putting up xeroxed posters on telephone poles.

ACK! This was more than you wanted to deal with. Caring for kefir has become your life. You can't hold a job. You always smell like sour milk. Your friends hate you because kefir has become their lives too.

Soon the economy collapses. No one is working. Everyone is caring for kefir. No one can afford to buy anything. We are all starving. Sure, there's plenty of kefir pee to drink but we're not getting any fibre! Our teeth fall out because we haven't chewed anything in months! ACK! And it was all your fault!

ACK ACK! Why didn't you just buy a bottle of kefir from the heath food store or grocery or supermarket? I mean, the stuff is everywhere. And cheap.

And it tastes great! Yay! But, no... You had to do it yourself. Now look at this mess you've made.

Kef"ir (?), n.

An effervescent liquor like kumiss, made from fermented milk, used as a food and as a medicine in the northern Caucasus. -- Ke*fir"ic (#), a.


© Webster 1913.

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