Kungfused - a story of mortal combat
Like something out of a bad spagetti western movie misplaced in the sands of
time; two solitary figures stood motionless in the center of the town. One of
the figures was the would-be famous
Gaul1 "
Knarphix". The other
was former Roman slave "
Uberfeticus" who had bought his freedom by fighting
as a
gladiator in the notorious
colosseum. They both regarded one another
with cold unemotional eyes. The chill of death swept through the street and
caused on-lookers to seek refuge in the relative safety of their homes. Before
the
Sun would seek his rest; one of these two
titans would fall.
Then for what seemed an eternity; like a fatal game of musical statues,
Uberfeticus finally broke the agonizing wait. He draw his sword, held it a loft
and began to charge at Knarphix. Knarphix stood his ground, waiting for the
right moment to occur. Uberfeticus was no longer a rational man; for if he had
been he would have noticed the unflinching Knarphix. Uberfeticus was now filled
with the all to familiar blood letting frenzy that had kept him alive all
those years as a gladiator.
Suddenly Knarphix snapped out of his deep contemplation and began to charge at
Uberfeticus with equal vigor. All the on-lookers who were previously frozen
with terror jumped.
As the two warriors drew to within a foot of each other, as quick as Knarphix
had sprung into action he now brought himself to a complete stop without so
much as a falter. Uberfeticus's survival instinct kicked in and he knew that he
too would have to stop - this was too easy, ergo too dangerous.
Knarphix began to speak; but what was strange was that the sound of his voice
was not in sync with the movements of his mouth, further more he spoke in a
Chinese accent. "Damn you Uberfeticus!" Knarphix's mouth continued to move.
"You killed my teacher!" Uberfeticus was taken aback, it was one thing to watch
a man charge at you weaponless, it was another thing for him to be speaking out
of sync and in a Chinese accent. Fearing some form of trickery Uberfeticus
slowly took a step back.
Furious at what appeared to be a sign of cowardice from his adversary, Knarphix
pointed in an accusing manner and again mouthing with a delay in sound. "Damn
you coward! I'll show you! Try my flying boar meets rabid monkey style!".
Knarphix drew into a stance that could only be described as being incredibly
painful and would allow one's chiropractor retire off the necessary
treatments required to repair the damage.
Uberfeticus's heart sank. He knew this feeling, it was death. His own. You see
it is one thing to fight a gaul (for they are fearsome warriors); it's another
to have him speak in badly dub Chinese. Uberfeticus realised he was now
Kungfused.
FINI
Credits:
Knarph as Knarphix
Uberfetus as Uberfeticus
booyaa as The village idiot
1 See the stories of
Asterix and Obelix are based on the
adventures of
Knarphix. Sadly people questioned the credability of one person
being able to perform so many tasks that they made up two fictional characters.
Of course one must also accept that this is a piece of fiction and therefore I
am making all this up as I go along.