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”Hello there faithful readers! I, borgo, am here today to discuss your innermost wants and needs and together we will take action on them. You will reveal to me your deepest and darkest secrets and fears. You will tell me things that you would never have the courage to utter to another fellow human being and I, blessed with the wisdom of the ages will formulate a plan that will lead you down the primrose path to success.”

Such is the spiel one might receive if one went in search of something called a “life coach”. While doing some research on the topic I visited a whole bunch of web sites and tried to chronicle what one of these people really does. From what I can see it boils down to providing answers to some of life’s most basic questions

So, without any formal training and further ado, I’ll try and answer those questions for you without the flowery language you might hear had you actually gone out and spent good money for this kind of advice. Remember, I’m doing this as a public service and there is no fee. You can thank me later.

Question 1

Do you want a more fulfilling life but don’t know how to achieve it?

Put down the fuckin’ remote, drag your sorry ass off the couch and actually pick up a book and do some research on your own. If that feels a bit strong and hurts your precious little feelings, too fuckin’ bad.

Question 2

Do you know what you want to do but are having trouble making it happen?

Lets get real here for a moment. How many of us are really “doing what we want to do?” Stop feeling so goddamn sorry for yourself. I think the old line from the movie Caddyshack probably said it best when one of the caddies laments his lot in life and Judge Smails advises him that “The world needs ditch diggers too.”

Question 3

Do you feel constantly confused or stuck?

Try prying the bong/bottle or any other drug of choice away from your lips every once in awhile. You’d be surprised how clearly you can see the world when you're not in an inebriated or other such addled state.

Question 4

Are you missing or seeking clarity in your life?

Well la-di-fuckin’-da. Someone call the waaaambulance. Let me clue you in on something, from the great philosophers on down to the richest of the rich and the poorest of the poor, we’re all missing something or other in our lives. Get used to it.

Question 5

Do you want to start living life as it is meant to be lived?

What the hell does that even mean? Do you want to live life like Warren Buffet or Bill Gates or do you want to live life like some kind of deranged serial killer? There is no tried and true method or one single path to enlightenment. If that were the case the world would be some kind of utopia and what’s utopia to one person might be hell to another.

I could go on and on but all of the advice I’m spewing here is getting a bit redundant and quite frankly, I’m a bit tired of hearing people whine. To put things in perspective I’d like to close with a couple of quotes by some pretty famous people with regards to ones life and the path it takes.

Famous author Henry David Thoreau

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation

Jack Nicholson as writer Melvin Udall from the movie As Good As It Gets

Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

And finally, from my good friend Garrison Keillor

”Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.”

Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?

One last thought, if you’re in position to be able to afford a so-called “life coach”, you probably don’t need one.

Here's wishing each and every one of you continued success in 2012 and all the years to come.

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