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let me define further. i came up with the term in a weird relationship with a man 10 years my senior (most of my friends had no idea of his real identity outside the term man-pillow). he was everything except my boyfriend. when i wanted a warm body to sleep next to, i went to his house. we would "do it" only if i initiated it. i was in complete control of that aspect. i could whine to him and he would tell me everything would be okay. he lived near the airport and the sound of airplanes always scared me a bit and he would hug me. he would make me drinks and we would dance in our socks on the wood floors. but i didn't love him, and he didn't love me, and we didn't want to love each other. but we were close. but. we weren't. we knew all about each other childhoods but knew almost nothing about each others day to day life. i never met any of his friends, and our mutual friends had no idea what was going on. and in our minds there was nothing going on. we both needed, on occasion, someone to cling to, and we were inevitably drawn to each other. i used him. for his warm breathing body to sleep next to, and he used me to share confidences. and when i granted it, he used me for sex. and that was okay. we used each other, and neither of us minded. we both got what we needed out of it. he would probably be offended by the term man-pillow if he were to ever find out that was how i thought of him, but i don't think he would take offence to how i have defined our relationship here.

i occasionally still get e-mail from him, to which i never respond. i have no desire to.

(in another writeup, Why do female musicians market themselves with sex?, i used the term man-pillow in reference to man-meat men in music videos... i think that's an apt way to think of my man-pillow as well, though in a smaller way. sometimes i wanted to feel like I was using HIM for sex. make him out to be the meathead. my way of getting back at men in general. treat him like an object. low and shallow, sure. but that's how it was.)

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