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I woke up this morning to sunshine and a little black cat at my feet, waiting for me to wake. I got up from a dream, like most of my mornings lately, since my new medication started kicking in and changing my scenery again; this time for the better. I dreamt that my father died. Well, not quite. He died, but then he didn't die because my mother was sitting in the dining room at a very murky tablecloth and not talking to me at all about his possible death. Everyone was talking, obviously, just not to me. So, logically, in the dream, I couldn't hear them. He was in the hospital again, and then I was in my old room and even there everything was rotting and slowly fading away. And then I was walking over to his bedroom and to his bed, but I felt the vivid emptiness of a personal death, and I left. My stepmother was calling. I was in their house, but it was furnished like my grandmother's old rooms, and it was my mother who was running the show. I woke up wondering why I didn't have a headache when I certainly felt like one was appropriate.

My dad returned at the end of the dream, but like everything unreal about it, he was murky, unfocused and distant. Like he was fading too.

Sometimes I know for sure that these dreams come because I need my father. I need him to live beyond his years, I need him to turn back time and hold me, and I need him to never leave. He's old, sickly and his hourglass seems almost invisible now, like the sand is long gone but the memory perseveres. I love him. I love him like I loved my grandmother, like I loved the girl with the blonde hair and like I love the Flying Dutchman. My soul needs him to repair the damage that countless years of trauma, neglect and abuse have left in my burned out ruins and bloody castles, but he can't. Dad waged the entire war, of which I was only a pawn; I won battles while he lost the siege. Now the king is tired of his throne and his crown, but you can't have your dragon daughter inherit the kingdom. It's too late to rewrite the rules. We lost, dad.

I hope he's ok. The dream was terrifying.

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