fingertips heavy with words and no real idea as to why this happens or who to fall into when it takes me over, spins me around. i am my own strange creation, i think, some days fully unprepared to direct my own person, my own thoughts. and as if this were a day filled with moonlight i feel translucent walk-through-walls slip out of the room and away. this urge to wander grips me so tightly it is a near-constant ache that errodes my stability so rapidly that some days it is a physical pain.

it is not that i am unhappy. this path i've taken is an uneven one at best. there are so many tiny pieces of people and places i have loved trapped inside of me. how can anyone breathe with so much everything pressing in around their vital organs? specifically this thing we call a heart which i am convinced, despite biological evidence, is located inside my head. i don't think that something used to circulate blood through your body has much at all to do with the sorts of emotions and feelings associated with the word.

i should sleep. plays in my head, a broken record and the perfect background noise for a broken head, a broken smile.

there are so many reasons to love someone and there is no real way to determine whether or not the people you do love are the ones that you should, if such a possibility exists. destiny, a theory, a crutch, some way to find reason inside of a reasonless concept.

and they say that you will just know, it will simply present itself, strong and right and a sort of perfect that can only be assigned to such things. it is not like this, not for me. i will never know why i feel the things that i do and i will never know exactly what to say when someone asks me how i am doing. there is a small comfort in believing that no one else will ever really know, either.

i only know i can do this again and again. i only know that i would fall in love a thousand times more even if i knew it would leave me an empty mess of a human. it is the only thing that has ever made perfect sense to me all the while making very nearly no sense at all.

and if i am an umbrella then you are the rain, the wind, the storm that will break me and i would never have asked for a better ending than this.

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