Although
sexual anorexia contains
pathological aspects, the most damage results from the lived experience of
sexual terror. By all means, sexual
overtones,
dating, relationships, and
marriage comprise healthy sexuality.
Sexual terror appears when a person's entire existence revolves around avoidance of sexual thought or activity. In that respect, this activity mirrors
sexual addiction as the
inversion, rather than
extroversion, of sexual control. Sexual anorexics aren't
asexual. In fact, the sexually terrified
scream for
affection but cannot reach out for
companionship.
As someone who suspects that they are
sexually anorexic, let me provide a personal perspective to this
emotional reality.
While I'm not crazy about the term
sexual anorexic, I recognize the aspect of
starvation from
human contact and
esteem that can be derived from a
romantic relationship. Rather, I'd consider myself a
relationship avoider, declining both
friendships and
sexual relations. This disorder encompasses more than life
behind closed doors.
While I agree with
viterbiSearcher that
sex can be beneficial in specific circumstances,
specific denotes
selectivity and not just sexuality as
psychological purgative.
Promiscuity rarely benefits a person's emotional and
physiological makeup. Many times those engaging in indiscriminate sex end up abused and disillusioned.
Intercourse strengthens relationships when mutual and unbound from
codependency.
Extreme
sexual fear results in utter
paralysis about attraction and sexual acts, concluding in social avoidance and constant obsession about sexuality. Having been brought up in a strictly
observant Catholic household, I was taught to respect
heterosexual marriage as an
exemplar of sexuality within shared responsibility. I carry with me the loyalty, responsibility, and healthy sexual balance in good marriage as an image of integrated sexuality. I do not wish to debate the merits of
gay marriage but provide an instance of positive sexual models in religious
faith.
Religiousity is not entirely
evil as aspects of faith mesh nicely with
lived experience.
Even now I consider myself necessarily celibate as the only
bulwark against sexual attractions.
Celibacy itself is psychologically healthy only if lived with a realistically expected and
wholesome sexual self-image. Otherwise,
celibacy is just as destructive as extreme
promiscuity. I have abused celibacy to the point of unrecognizability. Warped, beaten, celibacy is no longer positive but an
forced burqa against the world.
Outside of accepted sexuality, I searched for ways I could
convert or
suppress my
orientation. I tried
conversion therapy, recognizing the
brainwashing and
impossiblity of change from what
God has created. I've spent long days
praying away the gay and avoiding any
party or
meeting that remotely attractive men frequent. I've become attached to
esoteric forms of Catholicism, weaving my way through
ultraconservative subsets. What has resulted?
Revulsion. My friends have introduced me to a
number
of different men,
flabbergasted at my immediate rejection of all of them even when these men show obvious interest in me. Of course, I found a good number of them
attractive but I had to push them away to
save my soul, to prevent myself from getting attached and hurtling towards
damnation of one sort or another. At
24 I've seized on a dysfunctional
hermitage of
perverse virginity.
Please visit
http://www.slaafws.org/ for more information. SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) follows the Twelve Step model for recovery from sexual addiction and anorexia. Sorry
St. Louis residents.