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It is a well-known fact that Safeway has the best customer service in the world second only perhaps to a Dutch brothel. How do I know this? Because they said so. Yes, that's right, they told us we had the best in the world. For eight straight hours they told us.

They told us that our sole mission in life is to make the customer feel happy. They told us we could do anything to make the customer happy, and were expected to. If said customer wanted say, a sample of the peanut butter, we were obliged to give said customer a sample of said peanut butter. But what if the customer wants a blowjob? Tough question, it would afterall keep them happpy, which is a Good Thing. Sadly, that was not covered in this particular session.

Then, if by some magic chance the first eight hour session wasn't enough, there was a second four hour session! The topic? What else but customer service. No, wait, it's not just customer service, it's Superior Service.

I might not have ever met any cult members or leaders, but I swear my managers came close. People live or die by the ultra-secret Superior Service reports kept locked up behind glass in the break room. If you so much as drag the store's rating down by 0.1, your ass is grass.

They don't drag you out and shoot you before shoving you down the industrial garbage disposals the Produce people use. No, what they do is far worse. They ride your ass like you are a bitch in heat. They get right up close to you every chance they get and say through a nauseating smile, "How's your service today?"

It's then that you're glad you weren't brainwashed to want to work at Safeway the rest of your miserable life, let alone the day.

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