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I first encountered elves a decade ago when I was out on a dinner date with a lady. We engaged in small talk over prime rib and cocktails and as we were leaving, without any prompting from me, she said, "Thank you for dinner, Behr. I have to tell you at this point that I am primarily interested in sexual activities with elven folk. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

Now, this was some way to get a free dinner out of a desperate guy. It was also the beginning of my intensive scholarly type research into the activities of elven folk.

Their Mere Existence is Denied

This was the first obstacle I encountered as I delved into the world of the elven folk. They denied that elves were real. Librarians and scholars who I cornered aggressively in restaurant and gas station bathrooms all told me they were "just stories." Stories have to come from somewhere. Most come out of a cave, but there aren't a lot of natural caves in Baltimore, where I lived since the early 1970s before being forced out by an FBI sting operation earlier this year. I decided that I would find other means and went to see the wonderful grifters that live down by the bridge (mostly under it). Some of them said, "Yeah, friend Behr, we've seen these elves. You ought to hang around here with us for a while and maybe you see some."

I stayed the night. In the morning the grifters were gone with my wallet and all my clothes except my boxer shorts and my left sock. I walked home in the rain more determined than ever to discover the integral ubiquitious nature of the elves.

Evidence Rears its Ugly Head

At some point, in a haze after I'd drank too many Lowenbraus at the German-American Club, I was told of a film maker named Dineesh D. Soto. Some of his insightful films touched on the elves and how they have secretly pushed the agenda of liberalism down our collective throats for over a century. His films, like Robin Hood: Prince of Elves and The Revelation of the Elves really told me everything I needed to know about the Elven Dimension, as he calls it in his films. These elves live in a sub-stratum atmospheric push zone between our reality and other things. They are able to make psychic waves that travel into our dimension, and the more powerful ones are capable of appearing to true believers.

Going back to Mr. Soto's earliest work on beetles and how they influenced America during their invasion from the Island of Britain in the 1960s, we begin to see a pattern of influence from other dimensions on our political fortunes. Good people are worked against in order to promote liberalism and all the nastiness that goes along with it. When he first spotted the elves coming through the interdimensional time stream within the constraints of the sub-stratum atmospheric push of their dimension versus the static reverse engineered push of our dimension, he was astounded, as was I when I read about his encounter. So revealing.

Elves in the 1960s: Rabble Rousing

Nothing is worse than a rabble rouser. When things are going right, people need to sit down and find jobs to work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, without breaks, in an intolerable atmosphere of hate and physical and health risks at least one thousand percent higher than the national average. This is what needs to be done, not rabble rousing, but the elves have pushed a different agenda for centuries. In the 1960s, they created a counter culture that rejected decency in favor of shitting on the sidewalk and giving the finger to "the man" (Internet kiddie term). This was the unduly influential influence of the elves, who at that point had offloaded thousands of their agents on American shores to fight against the Holy Warrior of Truth, Richard M. Nixon the great, who was once king of this great land before liberalism snaked him. This lets you know something about the elven agenda. It is against all that is good and right.

The elves were moving their message through "rock and roll" which was becoming very popular and was putting thoughts into impressionable minds. These minds needed to be rounded up and put into military or alternative work camps. These feelings could have been beaten out of them at the time, but we dropped the ball in the 1960s. Shameful. Just as military camp and hard love camps today have the power to beat into line people who get non-military tattoos and piercings other than in their ear, we had the chance to nip it in the bud then. Mr. Soto said with thousands of beatings of young people in the 1960s we would have true free market economic freedom TODAY.

The Elven Zone is Discovered in the 1970s

After his undermining, Richard M. Nixon went on from being president to being on the board at the Elven Search Foundation. He correctly believed that elves had worked in concert with the Deep State to undermine his presidency and to allow rock and roll to influence children into getting tattoos and piercings in inappropriate places (ANYWHERE other than a single modest post in the earlobe is WRONG and this is definitely, without a doubt, death penalty type stuff). Our local town square would be a delightful place if we executed people with tattoos and piercings in that town square every morning before a cheering crowd of disaffected seniors. It is the right way to go.

In the late 1970s, Nixon and associates discovered the layer of substrata in which dwelled the elves. He was astounded by what he saw. They were looking back at him and laughing, mocking the great Richard M. Nixon. He was beside himself and died in the toilet at his presidential library in lovely Yorba Linda, California. His work was then obfuscated by liberal agents working to obfuscate all evidence of the elven zone. They were coming through at a steady pace. It was like a revolving door now. The tatted up motherfuckers needed to be put in the gallows and they had not been. The elves were now unstoppable because we allowed rebellious youth to avoid harsh military camps. The brutality that could have been visited upon those youths in unmonitored and unregulated camps would have been refreshing given what we have today, which is rampant laziness and a loss of work ethic. Beatings must resume. There is no other way for our youth. With just a police baton and a cheese grater you can turn most children around on the work thing. Their skin will recover in a few years from what has to be done.

Being able to access the Elven Zone could make those harsh measures unnecessary, as attractive they are to you and me. If we could prevent the elves from influencing our youth and letting them learn from harsh strangers with sinister agendas who operate businesses that are on the less than up-and-up, we would not need these types of reconditioning camps. Our youth need to be punished with blistering beatings, but if we can prevent the influencers from influencing them, we will have a more submissive workforce, which is the ultimate goal of any civilization run by businessmen. Ibid.

Accessing the Elven Dimension

Now known as the Elven Dimension, rather than the Elven Zone, because of the pioneering work of Lester M. Read of the Nixon Institute for Elven Studies, we are able to access it on some limited level. Fear is the chief weapon the elves wield against us as we work to break down their fortresses and get inside where we can turn the elves into a new and empowering food source for humans. Their meat is so tender that when roasted over an open flame alive, elf flesh is so tender it falls right off the bone. I've eaten three elves in my time, prepared and served in three different ways, and one with a live head watching as I devoured his entire body in one sitting. I have those kinds of abilities. They are unnatural in nature and you should not lust for my power, for its source is very dark indeed and I am beholden to that darkness. I serve it like a gutted slave. Be warned.

When you access the Elven Dimension for the first time, you will find colors unreal to you in a normal setting. The colors are vivid and sickmaking, not the gray colorlessless that I want and will have for all of America when labor machines are driving my super economy. You will wilt before me, as the elves did when I entered their dimension and beat them at their own game.

You dial a number on an old pay telephone. It doesn't have to be the kind of with booth, any kiosk type phone will do, but you have to be able to put coins in it, otherwise it will not work. You will dial a series of 18 numbers with pauses between every six and nine combination, and then you will be granted temporary access to the Elven Dimension and what awaits you there.

What Wonders: The Elven Dimension

If you are anything like me, you've had public lice hundreds of times over the course of your life because you take little care with who and what you roll around with while completely naked or wearing just a ratty bathrobe at the lending library. With that said, we can move on.

Entry into the Elven Dimension requires patience. It cannot be accessed through the methods spoken of in the false science of science. It requires staring at an object for three to four days without looking away. Train your eyes to do this. Break the pupils with a hammer if necessary, but force yourself to stare at one object for three to four days. This is the first step. Stick the tip of a glue gun into the corner of your eye by your nose and force as much of the tube of glue into there as you can. Keep the eyes focused by this sensible method. Then, over time, shapes will form in your brain. Inject as much into the other eye corner as you can. Try to empty the entire tube into your head through this method. You can do it. Have a friend break your arm in three places if necessary to keep yourself from trying to save yourself at the last moment. This is what is going to happen. You have made a commitment.

With the shapes comes the formation of the sub-stratum atmospheric push zone, which is what you are looking for as an entry point to the Elven Dimension. You will now make safe passage and you will begin to feel like it is the 1970s again, when America was Great Before. Then, you will see different shapes and colors form and the elves will come through. They will lead you by the hand into the Elven Dimension and show you wonders. They are different wonders each time. Your mind will be blown by these wonders. You will not look away. You will come back giggling and making jokes about things you don't remember even knowing about to begin with. You have made contact with the Elven Dimension.

What Does It Consist Of?

These are very good questions and I'd like to answer them. Together we can piece together what can be done in relation to this information and what it consists of.

The Peace Treaty of Bavaria (2019)

Recently, your friend Berhardt Goats, i.e. Behr, made contact with the elven folk in the 19th century. At that time I still was in possession of the quantum leap machine. It has been stolen along with the entire weird mountain facility that housed it. I was seeking to end efforts by the trees to destroy mankind in 2031 when the trees put me in contact with the elven folk. We smoked a pipe that was passed around and something was placed under my tongue. It was a rat turd. I said nothing about this, which was out of character for me. They told me about climate change and the plans being drawn up in Victorian England to build a climate change denier supervan. We were on the same page. They welcomed me to the elven city and we made love under the stars while the women made soup. We talked about nature and kindness and intelligence and I was turned on by this. And thus the peace treaty was signed.

What is Next for the Elven Dimension?

One can never be sure about dimensions and their future. It just isn't something our small human brains can handle thinking about. The dimension is there. Elves are coming through. We have proof. There is no doubt.

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