It has no claws, fangs, or venom, but the African varieties of these are the most lethal animals on the continent, due to their bad temper and tendency to gore things that bug them.

My friend Herbert who is also my cousin from a mixed marriage somewhere down the pike was in town recently looking to try up the temptations of old Baltimore. The town I call home is a honey of a ham and I'm not just saying that because I have a cousin who is the product of a mixed marriage. I won't use those tired old excuses any longer because I am becoming a new man.

I met a lovely young woman on campus at the college where I was hired as a fully tenured professor of ethics and she had a peculiar smell about her. It was a lilting scent and I found myself entranced and following her down a leafy lane and then down a driveway. Later on when I was sitting on the stoop drinking a "40" with my cousin from a mixed marriage Herbert and my friend Chopper it dawned on me what that scent was that was on that young lady. If you have ever beaten someone to death with a baseball bat or tire iron and then gone down to the morgue to look at them after they've been picked at, that is the smell that I was smelling on this lady. It was so enchanting I could barely contain myself and my excitement was quite noticeable, even to the boy at the ice cream parlor where I was buying a Baltimore Butter Crunch Cone while at the same time thinking about the lady that I met who smelled like these things.

I met up with her again when I was going to a special alley meeting with some of my political allies. We were working out our tensions together by sticking the sharp end of large sized safety pins into this gigantic water buffalo we had captured and shoved into a incredibly badly rusted iron circus cage we'd dredged up from the Chesapeake Bay a couple of weeks prior to our current meeting. This was a way to frustrate out our tensions, but I was starting to enjoy it too much. I was really hurting this creature and I was hurting it a lot by sticking the entire length of the sharp pointed safety pin large enough to secure a really fat kid's diaper into his tender areas.

And that was when the lady showed up. I did not know she supported the same conservative core causes that I did, but there she was, coming to work out her tensions by sticking pins into a water buffalo that was contained in a rusty circus cage covered with barnacles and other trash of the sea. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and we began kissing. And I mean kissing for real certain. We were making out as the kids call it these days. "Going Steady" is another term I've heard used here and there. It doesn't apply to us at this time because she still wants to see other people. She has kind of taken a fancy to coming up to lonely old washed out salesmen in restaurants and offering them blowjobs in exchange for some of their bread. She has questionable mind for business but I will soon help her turn these antics into a more profitable venture by introducing venture capital into our relationship.

We left the alley and went to Faidley's for crabs. We had a nice spread and if I can just do a little play on words with that I can also say that she was very nice when she spread. It was uncalled for but so welcome, especially considering my last sexual experience involved a man who had recently suffered a severe head trauma and mistook me for his milking pail. If you are traveling through the heartland you might want to stay outside of Wichita. That is where that guy lives.

We, as in the lady and I, not me and the guy with the milking pail, had sexual intercourse all weekend long and then on Monday came the winky eyes in the corridors at work. So much happiness, and all this because someone had the vision to put a water buffalo in a rusty circus cage that was much too small for him and put him in an alley where people could stick fat kid safety pins into him.

How can you not be in love with life?

I need to call this lady today and she said just to look up her name in the university phone directory. I tried but I never found out her name. So I'm sitting here in my office at five o'clock in the morning long before anyone else shows up and I am sweating. I am sweating really badly. I'm not sure I can remember. And if I can't everything is lost. Don't you people understand that?

Thinking about that water buffalo calms me down. It was a large animal.

Wa"ter buf"fa*lo (?). Zool.

The European buffalo.


© Webster 1913.

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