I am thinking about my meeting with the (younger than me) psychiatrist and her comment.
I saw her the first time for about 40 minutes. I explained the controversy about PANS and that the rumor among my peers that I am bipolar does not agree with the senior psychiatrist that I was sent to by the hospital in 2003 and 2012. He said I have PANDAS though it now appears to be PANS. And he retired in 2013.
The rumor was also that I self diagnosed PANS/PANDAS. Nope. Not true.
She said that I am bipolar and should be on drugs.
I asked if she read anything about PANDAS.
No, she said.
So you have made a decision without reading anything about the diagnosis given to me by a senior physician who works exclusively with doctors?
Yes, she said.
She said, "People would like you better and your life might have been easier if you were medicated."
I have been thinking about that statement. Apparently SHE would like me better and find me easier drugged. This is a response that I am fairly used to in my life and I withdraw like a chambered nautilus. And swim away.
When I think about it, it ranks up with one of the most insulting things anyone has ever said to me.
I do not give a shit if she likes me or not. My reply, after thinking about it for a week, was this: My main symptom that I am getting pneumonia is the psychiatric changes. I do not run a fever and I do not have an elevated white blood cell count. If I am drugged with bipolar controlling drugs, can you guarantee that I will not die of pneumonia?
Her response: Your medical doctor has to handle that.
Riiiiight. This is after the local hospital tried to send me to a psychiatric hospital when I couldn't breathe and had strep A sepsis in 2012. I refused and our local counseling place agreed that they couldn't put me on a hold. I was not suicidal and not an imminent danger to myself. They sent me home instead, with 4 liters of fluid in orally and 10 liters out urinated, documented by the nurses and completely ignored by the medical physician. Great. I went home, drank 6 liters with electrolytes and tried to figure out how not to die at home of strep A sepsis.
And turns out my primary care doctor for the last 7 years has been humoring me along with a smile and never read a word about PANS or PANDAS. My ex-doctor, I should say. I fired her and switched.
It may well be true that people would like me better drugged. How nice. However, I would not like me better drugged and I have had a successful medical career undrugged. I might have made more money and fared better in the US Medical Corporate System, but fuck that. Burn that fucker down. I did excellent medicine and I raised my kids and fuck the people that would like me better drugged.
Nuf said.