Who am I now that you're gone?

I have now been single for the longest period of time that I have ever been single, since that time I started dating, at fourteen years of age. It’s interesting and different, and it’s fun to complain about it with other single people. I don’t mind it at all, and I think it’s quite healthy. In fact, it’s self imposed for one very good reason.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

At one time I had a pretty good idea of the person I was becoming. That point was right after puberty, and right before dating my first boyfriend. I knew I liked wearing a lot of silver rings, and that I definitely didn’t like shaving my legs. As much as I could know about myself at fourteen, I knew. Then I met him and it was all confused in my mind. We’d watch MTV in his room before school. We went to the park. I shaved. At the time I was in heaven, but looking back, did I love those things, or did I love having a boyfriend?

It’s not unusual to pick up on the likes and dislikes of significant others and friends, especially in the beginning. You trade ideas and learn new things. Through this process we grow and mature. We explore options that we never knew were out there, which is a good thing. But lurking in this wonderland of sharing, there lies a danger, often seen in young couples. The danger of losing oneself.

It happens more often in women then in men, who tend to be more set in their routines and less flexible about trying new things in relationships. Women tend to accommodate their men more often, for whatever reason, and so will join them in any and all pursuits. And yet the opposite is not true. This is not by any means a psychological fact, merely something that I have observed in relationships around me, and in myself.

This losing of oneself in favor of the integration of the other’s self happens for many reasons. Sometimes it’s to impress the other person. Within groups of friends, people may pretend to be more interested in a certain activity to remain in good standing with that group. In love relationships, there may be motivation to participate in the SO’s interests for the purposes of spending time together or to express dedication within the relationship.

This is not undesirable to a point. As I said before, it can lead to self-discovery. The problem arises when the other person/people are not willing to do the same or self-discovery ceases in favor of adoption of the full set of characteristics of the other individual/s. And I think this is what happened to me.

So, I remain single, and I find out again what I like and what I don’t like, and what I will or will not put up with. I think that a big mistake that people make is jumping from relationship to relationship without taking some time out between to relearn themselves. Each time they lose a little more of themselves, until they become this conglomeration of characteristics gleaned from various SOs. I will not let that happen to me again, ever.

Cold. Empty. Alone. Its all he felt.

Samuel hadn't eaten much in days. He had a little bit to eat, a few things to find here and there, but with the feasts in front of him, he couldn't bear to fill his stomach.

"Love feels like this, doesn't it?" he thought to himself. "The pain of being lost, the silent screams inside to wish you understand... I hate it, but I can't do anything about it."

The cold northern wind didn't help him much. Freezing on the outside, freezing on the inside. He wished and prayed to be warm again, but it was no use. The winter parka he wore did nothing to shield him from the icy breeze, and his lonely thoughts didn't do much to avert his heavy heart. Winter had come early for Samuel, in more ways than one.

He looked up at the mountaintops, and saw nothing but snow atop them. He sighed, rubbing his gloved hands together for warmth. It was going to snow in a few weeks, maybe a few days, and he wasn't ready for it. A daily life amongst the cold... it was all he knew last winter, and he fears its all he will know this loneliness as well. Foot after foot of snow, and day after day of solitude.

Things had changed far too quickly for him the last week. What he thought he knew had been turned upside down, crashing atop him and breaking his faithful spirit. His ties to Laura were all but severed, and it was both his and fate's fault. Samuel blinked softly, a chilling tear flowing down his cheek.

"I wish you were still here," he mentally and physically whispered. "I miss you so much." Like all times these last few days, his pleas were heard on deaf ears. His last talk to her was one that he questioned about himself the next day, its content not only making him concerned about himself, but her as well. That bond that they had, neither her nor him could identify as something they thought they knew of, an interwoven mess of broken and stitched spatial and romantic connections.

He gazed at his hand, closing his eyes. Clutched within his fingertips was the necklace he wore for her, a silver pendant, one that felt cold both emotionally and spiritually. He hadn't worn it in days, his hands removing it the day their connection became almost severed. It glittered in the clouded sunlight as it turned to the motions of his hand, silver sparkles caressing its etched runic edges; he felt another tear fall, a little quicker than its predecessor.

"This is what I have left of hope, Laura. This is what I wish you could hold, no matter where you are, to know that I still care as distant and quiet as you are." There was a quiet, solemn sigh slowly escaping his lungs, barely able to pass over his lips. Samuel was nearly broken, the hurt within his mind and the memories of her barely holding him together. "I miss you so much..."

"Samuel..." His eyes closed gently, though his heart skipped a beat.

"I didn't mean to hurt you... I just don't understand myself anymore... I wish you could forgive me and understand me..." The voice had a texture to that of a silent sigh, and flowed like fog in the winter air.

"Things are changing Samuel... I miss you just as much, but I don't know if I feel the same..."

Somehow, he couldn't help but nod and keep silent. As dearly as he desired to hear her voice, it made his heart sink deeper, his mind clearer yet more chaotic.

"Please understand... I don't want to hurt you. I never did, and its what I fear I keep doing to you... you love me so much, and I don't know what to do now that my heart has returned to where it once was..."

He tried to speak, but all his breath was lost from the sigh he made moments ago. Lungs were filled, but words could not be spoken.

"I cannot ask for nothing but time, Samuel. I can't find anything to give you aside from the truth that I want to be there with you, to comfort you through these dark times and help you find hope once again."

Air found its way to his lips, and almost as softly, he spoke back. "I understand, Laura... I'm sorry..."

Moments he waited, seconds turning into minutes, minutes turning into hours. The only things he heard after that were whispers in the wind, autumn's breeze gliding amongst golden and crimson trees.

Winter had came far too early for Samuel. The leaves had only begun to fall, yet deep within, winter's icy grasp held onto his heart.

I shut my eyes and imagined her for a minute. I remembered the way she used to lie there looking at me with so much love I found it hard to breathe.
"What are you looking at?" I'd ask only imagining how stupid I sounded.
"You" she smiled at me with her bright little eyes.
She had the most intense eyes I had ever looked into, it wasn't the color or anything like that. There was something so raw about them, I'd seen pain in them I could never feel and joy I could only wish to feel.
I knew there was much of her past she had never told me and there was much I had never told her. I had learned though over many years and relationships that sometimes this was not such a bad thing.
We would make love often, we had an attraction to each other that you only found once in a life time. The sex was tender and strong in a strange mix of our very different personalities. I would lay there still inside her, holding her so tightly all the while knowing that I could never hold onto her forever.
You had to know her to understand there was sadness to her, something so deep that it could not be explained in words. There were times when I would get a glimpse into the depth of her sadness, a glimpse into the pain I knew she held inside of her everyday. A glimpse into a world I could never understand.